Hope and Resignation

Still no word. While I have a glimmer of hope in the back of my head that Easter might bring some acknowledgement, I am sort of settling into resignation that if I didn't hear right away it probably means she is not ready and I won't hear for months or years.

She should have received my note by now.

I am thinking about her constantly.

Did she read it in shock? Did she stick it in a drawer? Is she scared? Is she thinking of responding? Does she have anyone to talk to about it? Is she hurting? Does she believe its real or is she wondering if it is a scam? Will she be angry I found her?

Will it be days, weeks, months, or years before I hear something.

If she does respond, how will we prove our identities to each other?

Letter Sent

Hubby put the card in the mail today.

Now the waiting begins.

A Hope and a Prayer

When an adopted person is permitted and encouraged to search for his genetic connections, for his origins, a paradox occurs: he may well end up realizing that he rightfully belongs in two places,


Yes, Yes, Yes! This is why the search, the risk.


Dear Lord, please let it be that BJ always feels she belongs, two connections. Please protect her and never let it be that she feels she doesn't belong anywhere. Heal and protect all of our hearts. Lord I am afraid of being met with anger this morning. Take away fear and let us all focus on your Grace that you may provide the blessing of peace on BJ's developing sense of self-identity. May BJ, L, and I always know that ultimately we belong to you. This life is temporary and you are forever. Bless all five of us in this situation Lord, by letting your Love be the guiding of force of this outreach and relationship. Amen

Loss

I am facing the imminent death of a family member this weekend. It is someone very close to me, but it has been coming for a long time.

The waves of grief are hitting me stronger than I expected considering the situation. Part of that is that for the first time, I live so far away. I wonder though if the intense weepiness and lack of being able to move I feel (instead of the frustration and distance I expected to feel) isn't magnified at least in some small way by all the reflecting I have done on separation lately in searching for L.

In-Laws

I wrote that to someone this week, and hearing it come out of my mouth, I heard the truth of it.

As I get ready to drop a note in the mail to L, but try to restrain myself at least until I talk to an intermediary on Monday, I am thinking about what I want from this a lot.

I have a pretty clear picture of what I am hoping for:

1. A quick response (I want her to take as much time as she needs, and hope I am not triggering more pain, but you know, I also hope I hear back soon).

2. The ability to initially send photos of BJ and a newsy letter about her life.

3. A photo of L.

4. Ongoing email contact.

And eventually what do I want the relationship to be -

When BJ is grown I hope she has a healthy and close knit relationship with L, but I guess I sort of expect to have my own relationship with L. Because BJ is so much the joy and center of my life, I feel connected to L. This woman I know so little about - only a few sheets of paper. But it is like growing up knowing about my (half) sisters living a continent away. I didn't know them, but inherently knew they were a part of me. It is the same way I feel about L.

I picture it like an in-laws who get along relationship. The relationship is there - the contact doesn't have to depend on BJ being "in the middle" or present at every situation. But the relationship certainly exists because of and to support BJ. Two separate families that join because of mutual love for the grown children.

That is what I hope to be laying the groundwork for.

Plus, I can't get past - I really want to see what L. looks like.