I should have read this

before I got all Christmas emotional. And I owe a shout out to the one who is directing us to these beautiful writers sharing their most intimate experiences with those of us at different points in the journey.

Always Questions

I read this, and it is beautiful, but I can't help worrying...

Am I setting BJ up for heartbreak by encouraging her of the possibility, to hope for and expect a relationship with L?

How many adoptees face this kind of reunion experience?

I sort of assume it will be tenuous as they figure out what they (BJ and L) want and get to know each other and figure out how to fit it all together. I don't expect perfect. I don't expect roses and running into hugs and tears(though wouldn't it be wonderful?)

But my oh my - just the thought of BJ living with the rejection of longing for a relationship with L and finding L not capable of giving it.

My mother's heart breaks at just the projection of the possibility.

I want to grab this woman, and Mia, and those experiencing this and just hug on them, and feed them baked goods and hot tea and sit them in front of a fire with a cuddly blanket - make it all better

And of course I can do nothing of the sort. And while I could for BJ ... it would be so woefully inadequate.

OK. Putting off the focus on the negative. If that were to happen - we would deal with it. I am not going to focus on it.

I am going to focus on trying to build the best possible foundation for the best possible/ healthiest / happiest reunion experience on BJ' part.

Ultimately - both of them are in God's hands - not mine. May he use me to His Glory and for the purpose of His Love.

Every Day Business

Reading back over my posts, it has been awhile since I posted anything substantial here. I haven't had the emotional energy to sit down with my thoughts and write what I want.

And life is just full of normal kid/family/work stuff.

Tonight during MAJOR grocery shopping for Christmas, BJ says to me as we enter the deli section.

"I told my friends I am adopted."

I responded, sort of distractedly as I was looking for the right kind of lunchmeat, "Oh, did they say ...oh. BJ says - they said "ohh, what did you say?"

"Did you tell them what it means? I bet they don't know what adopted means"

"They know, mom."

It was very brief and like I said, distracted.

I could be just reassuring myself, but I also think this might be good - if there is more she wants to say other than she shared (six months ago she declared she didn't want anyone to know) - then I know she wil bring it up again.

But if that is all she wanted me to know, I think it is good that sometimes when we talk about adoption, we don't have to talk abou how we feel, or have a long drawn out conversation. Sometimes.

In other news, I found out last night that my step brother (who I haven't had direct contact with for some years) has just started the paperwork to adopt a 13 year old boy, who has been a foster child in his home for the last two years. I knew he and his wife were foster parents, but I only heard about the comings and goings of little ones - there are three toddlers now, their are twim infants now, etc. I had no idea they had a long term placement or that they had any intention of pursuing adoption. I don't know anything of my future nephew's story or how he came into foster care or how long he was in foster care before this placement. But I am glad to hear of an older child in foster care finding an adoptive family of his own. My step brother is a really cool guy and I am very happy for him and his wife.

Thoughts on reunion from an adult adoptee

Posting (stealing) this from Thin Pink Line, so I can find it for BJ - if and when...

"Enjoy this exciting time and you newfound relationships, but stay true to yourself. Do not deny your own emotions whatever they might be. Know, that you are the innocent in this equation, the one who didn't have a choice about how your life played out so be sure to respect that fact. Allow yourself to be looked after, by yourself, by your loved ones. Allow yourself whatever space and time you need. Only give as much of yourself as you can without feeling emotionally overextended. Don't let anyone make you feel that you need to be their primary source of reassurance. Be prepared for your feelings to evolve and change. Know that the amount of involvement you want to have with your newfound family may ebb and flow over the years, and that's o.k. The same may happen for them. Reunion might sometimes feel completely overwhelming. Reunion is not a static state, just as adoption is not a static state. It will wax, wane and morph into different shapes and nuances over the years. Allow yourself to have expecations met. Allow yourseslf to grieve those that aren't. Allow yourself to set boundaries and prepare yourself that they might be ignored. Know that you might occasionally feel selfish when you need to take time to protect your heart, know that you truly aren't. And I guess.... know that you're not alone.

can't help it

It has been a week today since we sent the christmas card with photos. She must have them by now. I wonder how it was recieved.

I need to write those two other posts and not think about it.