I have two posts that I have been thinking about and needing to post. One is about how my faith informs adoption, or how adoption informs my faith - in response to Dawn's question. I NEED to write that. But I haven't, and because I haven't, I haven't been able to write the post that I need to about the "you are not my real mother" conversation with BJ (actually 2 of them in one week) and I have a friend I want to process through that with before I go public.
But today is a day, and I need to memorialize it becomes I am nervous.
It is Christmas card day. I went to the store today and hovered over the cards for some time. I found one with a winter scened with a deer and some animals and Santa and reindeer flying overhead. It says
At Christmas and Always, never forget...you are never forgotten. Inside it says Hope you enjoy the holidays.
I put 3 snapshots from this year of BJ that I really like and one wallet size from when she was about 10 months old and a wallet from last christmas with our dog. These will be the first photos L sees.
I agreed with hubby that I would write:
We would love to hear from you and how you are doing. which I did.
I showed the card to BJ and the photos and she liked it. I asked her if she wanted to write in it and I told her she couldn't sign her name, what did she want to write. She wrote "I Love You".
I don't know how this is going to reach L, but I figure that will either really touch her, or one of my fears, it might trigger her WTF moment if she hasn't already had it. I hope she is OK. But it will really surprise me if that doesn't trigger some contact.
I ended up letting BJ sign her first initial and her middle name which is the name L gave her at birth.
Until I know where she is in her life and how she is going to respond to all this, and because hubby is much more private in regards to our info - I am not ready to send personal info into the void.
I am going to do one of those postal things that verifies delivery, and put it in the back corner of the envelope. I need to know she got it. And I am not putting a return address on it.
And it is not lost on me that I know all this about her and am still trying to protect her from even knowing our first names. I don't think first mothers are stereotypes of all the problems, but due to our CPS adoption, I do have reason to believe she has or had some serious issues in her life, at least 7 years ago. So I don't think the caution is unwarrented, I just feel the weird conflict of it.
Hopefully, if she contacts us it can proceed forward, but at the very minimum, my daughter is growing up knowing that L is valued and not a forbidden or taboo subject, and just maybe I am doing a little right by a woman who has impacted my life significantly, who God loves as much as he loves me, and who yes, I think that means I owe her at least a few pictures and lots of prayers and a hope for the future.
It goes to the post office tomorrow, so here starts several months of wondering and checking the email account.