Thursday, November 30, 2006


The post office wouldn't (or no longer does allow) me put the delivery confirmation on a regular first class envelope, and would only do it in one of those large priority envelopes. Who gets Christmas cards in priority mail? So it is just regular mail again. I won't know if she got it unless she contacts us. I feel so strongly in my gut that I want it to look like an old friend sending a holiday card in case family gets it instead of her so that her privacy is protected.

Oh well.

Wednesday, November 29, 2006

Here We Go..

I have two posts that I have been thinking about and needing to post. One is about how my faith informs adoption, or how adoption informs my faith - in response to Dawn's question. I NEED to write that. But I haven't, and because I haven't, I haven't been able to write the post that I need to about the "you are not my real mother" conversation with BJ (actually 2 of them in one week) and I have a friend I want to process through that with before I go public.

But today is a day, and I need to memorialize it becomes I am nervous.

It is Christmas card day. I went to the store today and hovered over the cards for some time. I found one with a winter scened with a deer and some animals and Santa and reindeer flying overhead. It says

At Christmas and Always, never are never forgotten. Inside it says Hope you enjoy the holidays.

I put 3 snapshots from this year of BJ that I really like and one wallet size from when she was about 10 months old and a wallet from last christmas with our dog. These will be the first photos L sees.

I agreed with hubby that I would write:

We would love to hear from you and how you are doing. which I did.

I showed the card to BJ and the photos and she liked it. I asked her if she wanted to write in it and I told her she couldn't sign her name, what did she want to write. She wrote "I Love You".

I don't know how this is going to reach L, but I figure that will either really touch her, or one of my fears, it might trigger her WTF moment if she hasn't already had it. I hope she is OK. But it will really surprise me if that doesn't trigger some contact.

I ended up letting BJ sign her first initial and her middle name which is the name L gave her at birth.

Until I know where she is in her life and how she is going to respond to all this, and because hubby is much more private in regards to our info - I am not ready to send personal info into the void.

I am going to do one of those postal things that verifies delivery, and put it in the back corner of the envelope. I need to know she got it. And I am not putting a return address on it.

And it is not lost on me that I know all this about her and am still trying to protect her from even knowing our first names. I don't think first mothers are stereotypes of all the problems, but due to our CPS adoption, I do have reason to believe she has or had some serious issues in her life, at least 7 years ago. So I don't think the caution is unwarrented, I just feel the weird conflict of it.

Hopefully, if she contacts us it can proceed forward, but at the very minimum, my daughter is growing up knowing that L is valued and not a forbidden or taboo subject, and just maybe I am doing a little right by a woman who has impacted my life significantly, who God loves as much as he loves me, and who yes, I think that means I owe her at least a few pictures and lots of prayers and a hope for the future.

It goes to the post office tomorrow, so here starts several months of wondering and checking the email account.

Thursday, November 09, 2006

Weird Dream

I had a dream last night that started with me just thinking I guess. If I knew I was dying, what would I need to do to prepare BJ? (I am not dying, I am fine but when I was a little girl I saw a movie about a kid named summer whose mother gets cancer when she is pregnant and scenes from that movie stick with me today). Get the will in order, talk to her, write her letters about life...

And then the thought - I would have to write down somewhere that I wanted and encouraged BJ to have a relationship with L after I was gone. I wouldn't want anyone guilting her that pursuing L would be disrespectful to me.

So in my dream I am drafting this letter about how I always love her and will always be her mom and with her, and don't forget you can still have L, for she has two women who love her with their every breath. And I think about giving this letter to my DH.

I am tracking along here and everything is flowing, gentle music, tender sunlight through the drapes,

Then in the dream DH takes the letter to L after my death, and then he falls in love with L. And now my DH is married to L - so BJ's Mom and DAd are married and all of a sudden it DOES feel like I have been erased.

I was just a short time mom, and DH's marriage to L makes my memory less important. For the first time, I feel threatened.

Wake up! Weird. I don't think that I feel threatened by the idea of L in BJ s life, in fact the dream started with a comfort that if I passed BJ wouldn't be without a mom. But it was like if BJ had L on one side and her father/my DH on the other then everything is hunky dory - two families - just like now.

But if the families merge without me - then I am not the mother who was lost, but an expendable piece of her history.

So, clearly it is showing some insecurity - but is it as a mother, or a WIFE? LOL.

I feel weird documenting this, but since this is about my part of the journey, it make sense to write about the uncomfortable stuff too.

Sunday, November 05, 2006

Birth Stories

BJ has been asking about her birth lately. Little questions here and there. Where was I born, What time of day was it, how big was I.

Normal kid stuff at this age. I am so thankful I can answer almost everything.

She has heard the story many times of where I was when she was born, but of course I didn't know it till later. I had told her what hospital she was born in, the town.

But it is funny how things collide. I have been reading several stories, blogs, and videos where adoptees talk about missing having never heard the details. So I feel good being able to give the details, small details.

Last night when she asked again, I took it from time of birth to her first plane trip with the foster home at 7 days old.

I stopped, but in my head I thought I should have said and during those days, L was thinking and praying and worrying about what was the best thing for you.

Next time, some time. But like most things I wonder about the line. Where is the line between saying what is not mine to say, sharing what I know or believe to ensure a positive perception of L in BJ's birth story, and not including L in the story when it is normal and natural to.

Its an ongoing saga.