Weird Dream
I had a dream last night that started with me just thinking I guess. If I knew I was dying, what would I need to do to prepare BJ? (I am not dying, I am fine but when I was a little girl I saw a movie about a kid named summer whose mother gets cancer when she is pregnant and scenes from that movie stick with me today). Get the will in order, talk to her, write her letters about life...
And then the thought - I would have to write down somewhere that I wanted and encouraged BJ to have a relationship with L after I was gone. I wouldn't want anyone guilting her that pursuing L would be disrespectful to me.
So in my dream I am drafting this letter about how I always love her and will always be her mom and with her, and don't forget you can still have L, for she has two women who love her with their every breath. And I think about giving this letter to my DH.
I am tracking along here and everything is flowing, gentle music, tender sunlight through the drapes,
Then in the dream DH takes the letter to L after my death, and then he falls in love with L. And now my DH is married to L - so BJ's Mom and DAd are married and all of a sudden it DOES feel like I have been erased.
I was just a short time mom, and DH's marriage to L makes my memory less important. For the first time, I feel threatened.
Wake up! Weird. I don't think that I feel threatened by the idea of L in BJ s life, in fact the dream started with a comfort that if I passed BJ wouldn't be without a mom. But it was like if BJ had L on one side and her father/my DH on the other then everything is hunky dory - two families - just like now.
But if the families merge without me - then I am not the mother who was lost, but an expendable piece of her history.
So, clearly it is showing some insecurity - but is it as a mother, or a WIFE? LOL.
I feel weird documenting this, but since this is about my part of the journey, it make sense to write about the uncomfortable stuff too.
And then the thought - I would have to write down somewhere that I wanted and encouraged BJ to have a relationship with L after I was gone. I wouldn't want anyone guilting her that pursuing L would be disrespectful to me.
So in my dream I am drafting this letter about how I always love her and will always be her mom and with her, and don't forget you can still have L, for she has two women who love her with their every breath. And I think about giving this letter to my DH.
I am tracking along here and everything is flowing, gentle music, tender sunlight through the drapes,
Then in the dream DH takes the letter to L after my death, and then he falls in love with L. And now my DH is married to L - so BJ's Mom and DAd are married and all of a sudden it DOES feel like I have been erased.
I was just a short time mom, and DH's marriage to L makes my memory less important. For the first time, I feel threatened.
Wake up! Weird. I don't think that I feel threatened by the idea of L in BJ s life, in fact the dream started with a comfort that if I passed BJ wouldn't be without a mom. But it was like if BJ had L on one side and her father/my DH on the other then everything is hunky dory - two families - just like now.
But if the families merge without me - then I am not the mother who was lost, but an expendable piece of her history.
So, clearly it is showing some insecurity - but is it as a mother, or a WIFE? LOL.
I feel weird documenting this, but since this is about my part of the journey, it make sense to write about the uncomfortable stuff too.
posted by marlene at 7:37 PM
6 Comments:
Ok, rereading what I just posted, I do get it that the line about being the mother who was lost, and expendable could look like a shadow/echo of a small part of the first mother experience.
Maybe the dream had some small part of figuring out how I would identify or trying to give context to my empathy.
Dreams fascinate me, and this one is definitely fascinating. I can't comment on what it might mean, because their meaning is so personal, so much a part of each individual's experience.
But I just wanted to say that as one who often posts about the hard stuff, I think it's important to do so. I'm glad you're willing to share, because you're definitely not alone.
wow. powerful. profound even. i am also into dreams a great deal. wont comment. but thanks for sharing.
2 things jump to mind: 1) my dh's adoptive mother died when he was 9. He is now 45 and still balks at the idea of getting his original birth certificate. He absolutely adored his adoptive mom, and I've long wondered about the loyalty issue for him. Good thought to write a letter giving your child permission to seek out her birth family in case a tragedy were to happen (God forbid). 2) I know a woman online who adopted the adopted child of her husband after the little girl's first adoptive mother died (did I explain that clearly?). Talk about interesting...the daughter ended up reuniting with her birthmother and it's quite an interesting situation...a daughter with 3 mothers. Lovely relationship between the 2nd adoptive mom and the birth mother. Dreams can get us doing some soul searching...
hey, i cannot find your email. drop me a line, could you? i have visitors to my blog from gays...
Honestly you don't strike me as the kind of mom who will ever need to give permission to BJ to search but instead the kind of mom who will be the first person on BJ's list to share their decision to search with. Guess who will be holding BJ's hand? You.
I love the honesty in this dream and I'll bet you know this on many levels but I will say it anyway........YOU ARE NOT EXPENDABLE! ;o)
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