Stuff
Last night I got out the paperwork from L and showed it to BJ. She glanced at it and looked away and said OK. Totally uninterested.
I said - OK well, you can look at this whenever you want, just let me know.
I talked to my step mom (whose kids are my age and were all adopted - but it was a taboo subject when I was growing up - at least to me who did not live with them). I asked her if my step sister would be willing to speak with BJ about adoption if BJ wanted that at some point in the future, although right now BJ doesn't want because she has never met my stepsister. She said she was sure she would, but how did this come up and why were we talking about it. My step mom tried to be gentle but she came from a different generation and while she was honest with her kids about adoption, I doubt it was ever encouraged to talk about. I know when my step sister was a teenager and going through a rough patch of rebellion, she once told me she wondered if Susan Lucci was her "real" mom and wouldn't that be cool.
Anyway, my step moms said "you know that they say not to encourage too much focus on adoption at this young age because their thinking is fantastical."
I know that kids are concrete and fantasy based until 11/12 when they develop the ability to think in the abstract. I have read many adoptee blogs talk about the adoptee experience of wondering what if I had been with a different adoptive family, the whole arbitrariness of it all.
But, I just kept thinking - if the adoptee is going to think/feel that -they are going to think/feel that regardless if you encourage them to express their thoughts or not. If BJ is wondering or worrying about stuff like that - I would much rather her talk to me about it than fester or feel alone and isolated or insecure.
I do think it might be possible to over do focus on adoption. If every single conversation on every day, or every trouble or triumph was related to adoption - it could get creepy like that movie the royal tannenbaums. But I don't think the encouragement of opennes and my sharing of my thoughts on things as they come up in every day topics is like that. Yes we are talking about adoption fairly frequently, maybe once a week or once every two weeks. Sometimes it might go in phases more or less than that. But BJ and I talk A LOT every day about 10 times as many other things too. There is balance.
I feel confident (most of the time) that for BJ, for her my bringing up of adoption issues as normal life stuff occurs is a positive. That it will allow her to explore and express all of who she is.
I have also had some loving friends question me this week about some of my thoughts and growth in this area. I think that is a positive as well, challenging me to refine, own and thoroughly think through my opinions and decisions. It is very different than someone being alarmed when I bring up the subject.
But the combination of being overwhelmed at work, back to school, BJs grief, the family reaction, and expanding my sharing with trusted friends, it feels kind of weird. The comments that say - amazing - wow, etc are nice but even then it makes me pause and say - why do women who are more proponents of biological connections than I am find this amazing and awesome? The comments from adoptees probably mean the most to me; hearing what they experienced and how they thought about it, or what they think it would have been like to be in BJs place in the converstation is what I crave and is the encouraging ones have been very comforting indeed. I want to talk more with these couple friends, but I feel like shrinking back from the family members. Just not going there, you know? Of course, I want to talk with BJ as often or as detailed as she wants.
I said - OK well, you can look at this whenever you want, just let me know.
I talked to my step mom (whose kids are my age and were all adopted - but it was a taboo subject when I was growing up - at least to me who did not live with them). I asked her if my step sister would be willing to speak with BJ about adoption if BJ wanted that at some point in the future, although right now BJ doesn't want because she has never met my stepsister. She said she was sure she would, but how did this come up and why were we talking about it. My step mom tried to be gentle but she came from a different generation and while she was honest with her kids about adoption, I doubt it was ever encouraged to talk about. I know when my step sister was a teenager and going through a rough patch of rebellion, she once told me she wondered if Susan Lucci was her "real" mom and wouldn't that be cool.
Anyway, my step moms said "you know that they say not to encourage too much focus on adoption at this young age because their thinking is fantastical."
I know that kids are concrete and fantasy based until 11/12 when they develop the ability to think in the abstract. I have read many adoptee blogs talk about the adoptee experience of wondering what if I had been with a different adoptive family, the whole arbitrariness of it all.
But, I just kept thinking - if the adoptee is going to think/feel that -they are going to think/feel that regardless if you encourage them to express their thoughts or not. If BJ is wondering or worrying about stuff like that - I would much rather her talk to me about it than fester or feel alone and isolated or insecure.
I do think it might be possible to over do focus on adoption. If every single conversation on every day, or every trouble or triumph was related to adoption - it could get creepy like that movie the royal tannenbaums. But I don't think the encouragement of opennes and my sharing of my thoughts on things as they come up in every day topics is like that. Yes we are talking about adoption fairly frequently, maybe once a week or once every two weeks. Sometimes it might go in phases more or less than that. But BJ and I talk A LOT every day about 10 times as many other things too. There is balance.
I feel confident (most of the time) that for BJ, for her my bringing up of adoption issues as normal life stuff occurs is a positive. That it will allow her to explore and express all of who she is.
I have also had some loving friends question me this week about some of my thoughts and growth in this area. I think that is a positive as well, challenging me to refine, own and thoroughly think through my opinions and decisions. It is very different than someone being alarmed when I bring up the subject.
But the combination of being overwhelmed at work, back to school, BJs grief, the family reaction, and expanding my sharing with trusted friends, it feels kind of weird. The comments that say - amazing - wow, etc are nice but even then it makes me pause and say - why do women who are more proponents of biological connections than I am find this amazing and awesome? The comments from adoptees probably mean the most to me; hearing what they experienced and how they thought about it, or what they think it would have been like to be in BJs place in the converstation is what I crave and is the encouraging ones have been very comforting indeed. I want to talk more with these couple friends, but I feel like shrinking back from the family members. Just not going there, you know? Of course, I want to talk with BJ as often or as detailed as she wants.
posted by marlene at 6:47 PM
6 Comments:
I did some interviews a couple of weeks ago for an adoption article and it sounds like BJ's interest level is very typical developmentally. In other words, you're instincts are dead on. I am finding this such an encouraging blog to read, too, so I thank you for it.
Dawn,
I would love to hear more about the interviews and the article. Will it be published? Where? When?
Marlene, I think it goes in fits and starts, too. And when they are interested and demonstrate that they want more information, more detail, that's the time to share it.
One additional thought in response to this: "why do women who are more proponents of biological connections than I am find this amazing and awesome?"
I think you see that comment for two reasons:
First, the ease with which you and BJ communicate about adoption is truly unique. I'm definitely a proponent of biological connections, but our adoption (from Korea) simply hasn't made it possible, in spite of our efforts. I am amazed when I hear how families in open adoption are able to discuss the experience, because not matter how I feel about it, my children's first families are still not present in their lives.
Also, I think you hear it for simple positive reinforcement for those who may be less sure of the importance of biological connections. When adoptive parents read what you write and perhaps question if openness is right for their children, I think it's important for them to see that others agree.
What you are writing is really good stuff.
Thanks Third Mom. That makes sense. Just as a point of clarification. We are in a closed adoption too. We adopted through Child Protective Services and open adoption wasn't available to us, at least with the knowledge I had at the time, I didn't know to push.
Hi, Marlene, thanks for clarifying - I need to go back to the very beginning and read every post!
Thanks, really appreciate all you write.
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