On Reading

I picked up my copy of "Twenty Things Adopted Kids wish their parents knew about Adoption" and just sort of browsed through the chapter titles again. The ones on - I need you to initiate conversations about my adoption, and on I need you to teach me about grieving caught my eye. I don't know if it was in those or somewhere else I flipped ( I have read it cover to cover twice, but it is that kind of book worth coming back to every so often). But something else really hit me.

It echoed something I had read on the blog of more than one adoptee last week. It talked about a great fear of being alone; of all aloneness triggering feelings of being left behind.

BJ doesn't like to be alone. Never has. We live in a three story house, moved here last summer. Our bedroom is on the second floor, the others on the third floor. BJ was having none of it. When hubby was away for work for several months, she slept in my room most of the time, and in the sitting area just outside my room the rest of the time. When hubby came home in January, we tried moving her back to her room again. She hated it. It was a battle. We little by little moved all of her stuff, and now instead of a living room on the second floor, BJs room is out. There is no door, you walk through that area on the way to our room. But she loves it. It now has all her stuff, bed dresser, books, toy box, posters, decorations. She may want privacy when she is older, but for now - close is better. Even in the day or evening, she never goes into another room to play or do something. If she goes out on the front porch, it is only for moments. She always needs to be around us. When I put her down for bed, story, song, hugs and kisses, if I then go back downstairs (mind you again her area is upstairs and the railing/banister looks down over the bottom floor) if she doesn't just conk out, she freaks - hating to be even that bit away from us.

She is generally a flexible kid - not a lot of separation anxiety, has handled our moves well. This is not an inflexible or nervous child. She just doesn't like to be alone.

Tonight, I put her down to bed at 8:30. At 9:30 when I went up for my bath, she was still awake. At 10:30 when I was getting out of my bath, she was still awake. She started telling me that she hates it when I am down stairs because she feels all alone.

So, I took her into my room, and we closed the door and sat down and I said:

Me: I was reading a book today that said that sometimes people who were adopted..
BJ: like me
Me: yes, sometimes they have this feeling whenever they are alone that they feel left behind and abandoned, because that is what it felt like when they were little babies.
BJ: MOM! That books is TRUE! That is what I feel like. I don't like it when you guys go downstairs or when you are not here and grandma goes upstairs.
Me: Is that how you feel inside, or is that some thing I just said and put in your head?
BJ: That isnt just what you said, thats how I feel. All adopted people feel like that too.
Me: You think?
BJ: Uh huh.
Me: OK. So, now we know that you might feel like that even though, I will never ever leave you.
BJ: You might.
Me: No, I won't. Do you think I might leave you because you don't have L?
BJ: Yes.
Me: I don't know everything about L..
BJ: Why?
Me: All I have is what she wrote for you. I will give it to you when you are 18.
BJ: I want to see it now! I want to see her handwriting (can you believe that, a seven year old who intuits how intimate it is to know someone's handwriting)
Me: Ok, I have to go find the papers, you have (activity) tomorrow night, so on Thursday we will get the papers out so you can see her handwriting.
Me: But what I was saying was that while I don't know everything about her situation, I know that some things were different. I don't think L's parents took very good care of her. They didnt keep her from the drugs. Her situation is sad, but it is not my situation. I am not going to leave you. I am not going to get sick with drugs. And I pray everyday that she is getting better. This is part of adoption, some sad - some happy. What happened to L is very sad, but God took that bad stuff and he still used it for some happy stuff. We have each other. And someday, you will have L too.
Me: Honey, did I ever tell you she is a nurse?
BJ: So she has to take care of herself.
Me: I think so. I pray every day she is getting better. And we are going to send her a christmas card
BJ: But she didn't get the card we sent before.
Me: I don't know, maybe she did but she is so sad missing you, or maybe she is waiting for me to send a photo.
BJ: What if she dies.
Me: She isn't dying.
BJ: What if she does, what if she dies one minute ago.
Me: I had a friend who finds people and she helped me and she knew someone like a police officer and that friend of a friend checked up on L and they found some stuff that tells us she is not dead. She is OK.
BJ: Could you call your friend and ask them to check up on her one more time?
Me: I can email her, but I know L is alive honey.
Me: Honey, what I really want you to know is that I will never leave you. I am going to tell you that all the time. I know your heart might not believe it, but maybe your head will. What else can we do to help you feel that I will never leave you.
BJ: When we go to disneyland we need to take walkee talkees. I want to get lost so I know that I can just call you.
BJ: And you can lock me out of the house and I will just walk around.
Me: I am not going to lock you out of the house. I am not going to lose you. I am never going to leave you.
Me: Are you ever afraid to talk to me about adoption stuff?
BJ: No.
Me: That is good. We can talk about ANYTHING.
BJ: But you are not adopted.
Me: Would you like to talk to someone who was adopted.
BJ: No one in our family was adopted.
Me: That is not true - (M's) kids were adopted. Would you like to talk to your Aunt MB? Or would that be weird cuz you don't really know her.
BJ: that would be weird.
Me: Let's see who else do we know that was adopted? My friend _'s daughter _.(BJ looks up)
BJ: Some kids at school know I am adopted.
Me: That is ok - you can tell whoever you want.
BJ: I don't want them to know, I just couldn't keep it in.
Me: You just had to let it out.
BJ: Yeah.
Me: But they are your friends, so that is ok. Is there anything else we need to talk about tonight?
BJ: OK. Can we talk about animals. At sea world there were those manatees that got hurt in their tails.
Me: you need to go back to bed, it is very late.
BJ: I really care about the animals, I want to talk about them.
Me: We can talk about that tomorrow.