First Mother
Talk about L is coming easier and more frequently now from BJ. The other night at dinner she looked up at her father and I and said.."When I was in my first mother's tummy, did I have gills?".
Last night after a discussion about whether or not another job opportunity might cause us to move back from where we left last summer, BJ said.. why can't we move back to (city where she was born)? I know she doesn't remember that place. I asked her why she would want to go there, what does she remember from (city)? She said some very vague things like I had friends, I went to preschool.
So I said. L doesn't live there anymore. "Who is L?" Your first mother. Oh. She doesn't? Why?
"She moved back to where she grew up.... Is that why you wanted to move back there?"
BJ said softly from the back seat (its always the car, I tell ya) - I never got to see her.
My response was - hopefully honey someday you will.
Oh please Lord, hopefully someday.
On another note, I am so pleased that the increase in discussion about L hasn't seemed to create much distress for BJ interms of her feelings about our family. Other than one or two articulations dealing with initial confusion, she seems to be comfortable expressing sadness and desire of L in one breath and affection and love for me in another. They don't seem linked or guilt reactions. Both just genuine expressions as they pour out of her. I feel full of joy when I see how comfortable she is in her emotions and how loving a child she is. My BJ is articulate, a little bit wild, a lot of fun, high energy, her own person, extremely caring and helpful..and I am beginning to have faith that she is also well on the road to a healthy self image that fully incorporates her adoption and history but does not define herself by it.
I do think that the repetition of "I never got to see her" is a message to me that before she hits the teen years, she is going to need to see L if at all possible. I figure I have about 3-4 years to take our time and do it gentle. After that it is going to get critical.
I think we are going to send a Christmas Card. That can't invade anyone's privacy can it? The most nosy anyone could say if they saw it is-- who is this? or wow - that kid looks like you? Who is it?
Last night after a discussion about whether or not another job opportunity might cause us to move back from where we left last summer, BJ said.. why can't we move back to (city where she was born)? I know she doesn't remember that place. I asked her why she would want to go there, what does she remember from (city)? She said some very vague things like I had friends, I went to preschool.
So I said. L doesn't live there anymore. "Who is L?" Your first mother. Oh. She doesn't? Why?
"She moved back to where she grew up.... Is that why you wanted to move back there?"
BJ said softly from the back seat (its always the car, I tell ya) - I never got to see her.
My response was - hopefully honey someday you will.
Oh please Lord, hopefully someday.
On another note, I am so pleased that the increase in discussion about L hasn't seemed to create much distress for BJ interms of her feelings about our family. Other than one or two articulations dealing with initial confusion, she seems to be comfortable expressing sadness and desire of L in one breath and affection and love for me in another. They don't seem linked or guilt reactions. Both just genuine expressions as they pour out of her. I feel full of joy when I see how comfortable she is in her emotions and how loving a child she is. My BJ is articulate, a little bit wild, a lot of fun, high energy, her own person, extremely caring and helpful..and I am beginning to have faith that she is also well on the road to a healthy self image that fully incorporates her adoption and history but does not define herself by it.
I do think that the repetition of "I never got to see her" is a message to me that before she hits the teen years, she is going to need to see L if at all possible. I figure I have about 3-4 years to take our time and do it gentle. After that it is going to get critical.
I think we are going to send a Christmas Card. That can't invade anyone's privacy can it? The most nosy anyone could say if they saw it is-- who is this? or wow - that kid looks like you? Who is it?
posted by marlene at 12:04 PM
8 Comments:
wow. your blog always makes me cry. triggers alot in me.
I just found your blog! I'm going to have to hang out here more. Thank you so much for sharing -- it's going to give me a lot to think about, I can see.
Hi Suz. I am not sure how I feel about that :| - I think I am glad my sharing is meaningful to people, but you are the last person I want to make cry. Is it BJ's longing, her loss, my interactions...? that seem to trigger for you? (if you feel comfortable talking about it)
Hi dawn. Thanks. I have been dropping in and out of your site for awhile - found you through Suz of course.
marlene - no worries. nearly every blog triggers me for one reason or another. i cannot help but read someething and wonder what if, could it be, how did my daughter feel, etc.
I am going to have to check through my pile of adoption books for something I read once about the "ideal" age for "reunion" with an adopted child's biological parents (presuming of course that the adoption was not open with visitation already). I remember reading that the ages of 8 to 11, before adolescene, were ideal because a child was still feeling secure in their adoptive family and would have the easiest time psychologically reuniting with biological parents. Of course, this was likely just one author's opinion and I do not remember the details. It did make sense to me though. My own hope is for my daughter to have a reunion with her birth family before she hits her teen years, mostly because she was the middle child of 3 placed for adoption and it's likely that they would come into contact with each other during their teens. Anyway, I will try to find that reunion info for you. And the Christmas Card idea is a good one!
"Oh please Lord, hopefully someday."
Hopefully very soon, for you and for everyone out hear struggling with meeting and reuniting.
Thanks so much for this.
Yeah. I think before the teen years not because of anything I have read regarding adoption specifically, but primarily because of what I have read about the developmental tasks of the teen years 12-20 is generally just after the transition to abstract thinking where teens must first individuate from their parents - define for themselves how they are separate individuals, and then expand in a more complex way on their own self identity. Huge stuff going on, plus all the hormones, etc. I do want BJ to not have to be sorting out through our own mother/daughter issues when she is sorting out her connections to L and siblings. I agree 9-11 would be "ideal" for her developmental state. But of course not within my control at all.
Of course now, you know I am going to be obsessing about Christmas cards for the next four months since that thought occurred to me. Haven't talked to dh about it yet.
I like the idea of somewhere around 11 or 12. To me, 18 is just about the worst age because it's during senior year of high school, often time of first love, and all the conflicting feelings of leaving parents after 18 years. I like the idea of a reunion with biological parents while a child is still very secure in the bosom of their family and childhood. The ideal probably, but not always possible.
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