The Trigger

In my post below, I say that the conversation started somewhat out of the blue. When DH heard what BJ had to say, he responded that she could always talk to him about how she feels on anything. He also said to the not talking about it part that he didn't ever talk about it because he doesn't think about it. She is his daughter. That is all he thinks, not qualified by adoption.

If I took that position (while of course I don't see her as less my daughter than one born to me) it would be dangerous. But I wonder if it isn't sort of reassuring coming from a Dad. I am doing everything I can to make sure she incorporates and includes her whole ...whole.. whole... history, ancestory, future...and what is not here now -- without making it sound like our family is a bad thing. All of this without damaging her sense of security and permanance in this little threesome of a family.

Anyway, God Bless him, as he tried to keep it casual and not say it wasn't OK, his final question before we all went to bed was... How did this come up?

So sleeping last night that was on my mind. Everyone's feelings. Did I put words in BJ's mouth? I am a saying too much?, Too little?

And then it hit me. I did say something earlier in the day that probably contributed. I don't regret it, and I think BJ's feelings were there underneath all along.

If you have read here long, you probably guess that I am pretty straightforward with my daughter, not talking to her about tough subjects in a baby way. I may walk the line of age appropriate and always keep that in mind, but generally I make that decision on where to stop talking, not on changing how I say it.

I am like that with other life things too. In terms of body functions, I get pretty clinical and answer generally only what is asked or as long as it still gets questions.

Yesterday morning I was in the restroom. BJ walked in. I had just started my period and got up to get some sanitary items. She asked again what a period was and why there was blood. I explained it isn't blood like when you cut yourself, but the lining of the uterus where a baby grows. That each month it cleans itself out and since it comes from inside of our body it is like blood. She asked if it was all the time. I told her it was once a month starting when you are almost a teenager. She said - really - everybody? I said all girls, yes. Then I said - some kids start as young as nine, I started mine when I was 11, but L started hers when she was 14.

(yes, I know how lucky I am to have that detailed of a medical history - L worked in medical profession so was probably very clued in to how important medical history is - it is the most complete of any of the pieces of info on her or the family that I have)

So, I said, you will probably start later than some of your friends. Why?, BJ asked. Because when you start menstruating is very tied to genetics - the physical relation to your mother. You are likely to be similar to her in when you start.

Then DH walked in the bathroom (we were all waking up in the morning, we don't generally hang out or have major family discussions in the bathroom - actually those really do tend to happen in the car).

We stopped talking. Mostly because it was about menstruation, not because we were talking about L. He doesn't have a problem with my openness, but he is squeamish about some of that stuff.

So, in context -- that intimate of a connection would lead one to think about missing and not having ever seen someone who is so connected to you that your own body does what theirs does.

I am thankful for the medical history. I really want a photo. BJ really wants to see her. While I feel this compelling need to give her time to respond to my first outreach, I doubt we will make it all the way to next spring (giving her a year to respond) before contacting White Oak for another attempt.

DH was OK with the first note. Now that he knows that BJ wants to see her (did BJ actually tell him that, now that I think about it she only told him she misses L - but she did tell me) - it will be interesting to see how he feels about it. It is so much more formal.

And boy - my extended family will never understand this at this age. I am pretty sure that they would follow my lead of accepting and embracing L as BJ is older, but right now I am pretty sure they will think I am nuts.

All I really care about in regards to a visit is that she is clean (no drugs). But for letters and photos, I want that regardless of the situation. But face in the reality. Letters and photos is not what BJ wants. She wants to see her. She doesn't want to see her today (fear?) but she wants to see her in what is an almost seven year olds near time and concrete time frame (third, fourth or fifth grade). BJ starts second grade in the fall. I also wonder if she sees third-fifth grade as a big kid, able to handle fear? Or is she astute enough to know that third/fourth /fifth gradei s nine years to eleven years old, and somehow needs to see her as her body changes?

I am digressing now, but a few weeks ago BJ started talking about her "flat" nose and how she hates it. We of course tell her she is beautiful, that her nose has a heart on it (the nostril shape) and we love it. I don't know if a kid said something. BJs eyes are a little far apart and the far eyes and lack of a bridge for her nose is slightly similar to fetal alcohol effects. But like the few minor issues that BJ faces, she is blessed that they are so minor that one can never say for sure if it is caused by the drugs in her system at birth, or if it just is within the lower range of normal. She is a beautiful child (inside and out). I think if I had photo of L, and if her nose is flat (which would mean it isn't FAE, which BJ has no concept of) then maybe she wouldn't be dealing with such self image issues so young. We don't know where it came from, except she did say I want a nose like yours, to me. So I know she is doing the comparing thing. But she is so frequent and adamant about her nose in particular, I think she must have gotten teased about it.