"I miss my birthmother" **

BJ asked me again, somewhat out of the blue,
after I said to her - "I love you so much, you are the joy of my life, I don't know what I would do without you." about what would happen if I die. This has been going on for about six months. Since about the time she stopped asking me if L was dead.

Me: "Honey, are you thinking that I might die and not be with you because L is not with you?"
BJ: "Yes".

We had quite a conversation, and thinking back just a couple hours ago, I don't remember it word for word and how we moved in between the assurances that I wasn't going to die and her feelings about adoption. But here are a few of the parts that stand out for me as integral.

It was the first time BJ actually sat down and shared some emotion. She crawled into my lap and just cried and cried. "I miss my birthmother, I never got to see her." I held her and rocked her.

"BJ, I promise you that I will help you find her someday."
"Mom, when I am in third or fourth or fifth grade, I want to visit her."

"Honey, I don't know if she is well now, or not. I sent her a note and gave her our email. I don't know if she got it or if she is really just so sad at not having been able to take care of a baby that she misses you too much. Have you ever been so sad about something you just couldn't think about it?" "I don't know if she is too sad to be friends with me, since I get to be your mom."

BJ: "why would she have to be YOUR friend?"
Me: "well, she would have to talk with me to set up so we could visit her."
BJ: Oh

At one point she stumbled over the word birthmother and said I don't know. I said "well, some people don't use birthmother, and I don't know what L would want. We can just call her L, or some people say first mother. What do you want?" BJ said "birthmother". This is the first time we have discussed this, so I am not sure why she attached to that word. She may change her mind she asked me later in the conversation what birthmother meant and we talked about the mother that gave birth to you and we sort of veered into why I never had a baby in my tummy.

I said "I am very happy that you are my daughter, and I love all of you. That means part of our family has some sad things in it and some happy things. The sad part is that you couldn't be with L, that she couldn't take care of a baby and she wanted a mom and dad to keep you safe."

"Is that OK with you - to be both happy and sad about it"
BJ: Yes.

"So, right now you have this family and someday you will meet L. And you know, if she got better and doesn't have all those bad drugs anymore that made her do things that weren't safe, if she is better someday and gets married and has kids, you know those kids would be your brothers and sisters just like if Daddy and I had more kids. (trying to lay groundwork here for the big news, see post below) - so you will have two families."

BJ: Two mothers. A birthmother and a regular mother.

Somewhere in there BJ said of L (with distress) - she did bad drugs, she is probably dead already. I told her that she is not dead and I sent her the letter. This too is a balancing act for me. I want to give BJ some info so that she doesn't get that common adoptee misthinking that something was wrong with her and that is why she was taken from L s custody and subsequently placed for adoption. But I only know the medical reports, the tox screen reports and the court reports about the drug abuse. I don't know the back story of the addiction and why L didn't have the support of her family. I also don't want the drugs to be the most salient thing BJ knows about L and then that lead BJ to experiment as a teen as some painful way to try and connect and be like her. I want BJ to know more than just that she is/was sick. Separate from adoption, we like most parents I guess, tell her that drugs are very bad and she should never smoke, drink, do drugs etc. We role play peer pressure and how to stand up for what you believe. It may seem strong with a six year old, but when people I know were hooked by the time they were 9 years old.... Anyway -we are so strong against drugs, I don't want that to get messed up with messages about L. So I told her outright tonight. Listen to me, just because L was really sick with the bad drugs, so sick she couldnt stop or take care of herself or a baby, that doesn't mean she is a bad person. She loves you very much and didn't want you to be hurt.

We decided that next spring if we haven't heard back from L, we will contact white oak to help us contact L and tell her that BJ wants to see her and ask her for a picture and give L a picture of BJ.

I was surprised BJ wanted to wait until "almost third grade" after she had just weeped in my arms about not seeing her.

After she said this, I told her that L might have thought that she would see BJ when she was 18 because that is how most people do it. I told her I wouldn't make her wait until then, but I can't control if we actually see her. (I didn't go into the whole CPS and removal and might not want to stuff..) It is always a guess with just how far to go here, not wanting to promise what I can't deliver. Not wanting to set her up for that fear that our situation could end up like some adoptees I read, like Mia with her E.

Somehow we moved from me telling her that she is connected to L's family by her blood and her body and connected to this family by law and our hearts. And she said something I can't remember and I was talking about how it is all part of her and I love all of her and it is her story. It must of been my use of the word story.

She said - "I don't want to tell anybody!!!" with anguish. I told her she doesn't have to, she can tell whoever she wants whenever she wants and she said she didn't want anyone to know. She asked me if I told people. I told her I don't talk about our adoption story much, because it is hers to decide who, but that some of my friends knew and I named the mother of her best friend in the state in which we used to live. She freaked on me a bit - saying does S know?! (her friend) I said no. She said "good!" I don't want anyone to know.

I feel a little weird about that. I understand her not wanting to tell every kid at school when she is just figuring it out. But it surprises me that her closest friends knowing is such a big deal.

As we got out of the parked car (why do these things always happen in the car?) she said - I want to tell Daddy. I said, you can talk to Daddy about anything you want, but Daddy knows about L too honey.

She called him at work and told him she was going to wait up for him to get home because she had something she wanted to tell him. She told him she missed her birthmother and that she doesn't want anyone to know she is adopted.

That sounds like some internal conflict for sure.
Any adult adoptees who read, I especially appreciate your thoughts on all of this. If you care to share how you integrated all this into your sense of self.

I think I am doing this right. I know I am doing the best I can. I strongly believe that if nothing else was accomplished tonight, or among any wrong steps - at least now I know for sure, that BJ knows she can share her pain with me, and that I don't lessen or feel a threat to the joy of our family by acknowledging the loss of L in her life. I am very grateful for those tears, if that makes sense. But boy, tonight sure feels like the stumbling along in the parenting journey.

I guess we will only know, when BJ is grown up and she can tell us what was helpful and what was not.

**disclaimer - I use the word birthmother here not to hurt or offend. In fact on others blogs and in my own private thoughts I do find myself using it less and less. But it is what I have used when talking to BJ throughout her life, having not known until recently that is was offensive after placement (a good friend /amom -I met online some years ago used to repeat constantly to adoptive and prospective adoptive parents that an expectant mother is not a birthmother unless she actually places a child for adoption, considering adoption while pregnant or even "matching" does not make her a birthmother - so I clued into that part of it). I think we laid some groundwork for finding new terms. But because it is indeed the word we used in discussion, and because first and foremost this is a record of a journey and a "sorting out" for me and BJ, I didn't feel it was honest to change the word on the blog.

Also, re-reading this it sounds as if I was saying that BJ will only have both families later. I don't think, and hope that is not what I conveyed to her. Both families are real now, and I want her to know that. I just don't know at what point she will actually be able to meet and know L and her family and it is more realistic to me that only later will she fully participate in both families.