Echoes
As I re read some of the statements in L's forms some of the things jumped out at me differently than they had before - more like echoes of the stories I am reading on line.
things like - this is the most mature decision I have ever made; I am not able to financially or emotionally raise her. I don't judge people.
Oh please Lord, don't let it be that a social worker seeing an infant shamed her into believing she didn't have a right to try and get clean and/or pursue her right to a reunification plan.
Her age, her occupation, other words and phrases she used , not wanting chaos for the baby, the fact that the sw said she didn't name her until the sw convinced her she needed to (could that be true, I need to go look at the date the original birth certificate was signed compared to the date of the first document where a name appears), I took all this and came to the conclusion, trying to make sense of it, that she must have tried to get clean before and knew it wasn't as easy as just deciding to.
I wanted so much to believe that it was a decision based on honest assessment and love for the baby. Now all I hear in her words are the echoes of stories I read online about how personal histories and familial and societal responses combined with agencies that only focused on positive reinforcement techniques for placement (you are so honorable to give up this baby, leaving the implied you would be selfish to parent).
She did not have the option to just change her mind and parent. She would have had to comply with court orders and CPS requirements. But, Oh I hope she was dealt with honestly.
I am grateful for every day I have had with my daughter, that I held her at six weeks old.
But I really hope someone told her she had the right to try if she wanted to. I hope my early placement wasn't at the cost of greed at the sight of an infant. It wouldn't have been for money. But it could have been "an easy case", with "happy endings" forseeable to an overworked, power delusioned if well intentioned social worker.
things like - this is the most mature decision I have ever made; I am not able to financially or emotionally raise her. I don't judge people.
Oh please Lord, don't let it be that a social worker seeing an infant shamed her into believing she didn't have a right to try and get clean and/or pursue her right to a reunification plan.
Her age, her occupation, other words and phrases she used , not wanting chaos for the baby, the fact that the sw said she didn't name her until the sw convinced her she needed to (could that be true, I need to go look at the date the original birth certificate was signed compared to the date of the first document where a name appears), I took all this and came to the conclusion, trying to make sense of it, that she must have tried to get clean before and knew it wasn't as easy as just deciding to.
I wanted so much to believe that it was a decision based on honest assessment and love for the baby. Now all I hear in her words are the echoes of stories I read online about how personal histories and familial and societal responses combined with agencies that only focused on positive reinforcement techniques for placement (you are so honorable to give up this baby, leaving the implied you would be selfish to parent).
She did not have the option to just change her mind and parent. She would have had to comply with court orders and CPS requirements. But, Oh I hope she was dealt with honestly.
I am grateful for every day I have had with my daughter, that I held her at six weeks old.
But I really hope someone told her she had the right to try if she wanted to. I hope my early placement wasn't at the cost of greed at the sight of an infant. It wouldn't have been for money. But it could have been "an easy case", with "happy endings" forseeable to an overworked, power delusioned if well intentioned social worker.
posted by marlene at 4:14 PM
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