Might Have Been 1.0
I don't want to forget, one of my reasons is to tell a bit of my story. Keeping that simultaneous with sorting out the possibility of not waiting for BJ to turn 18 before contact, seems important. For bringing out feelings, for challenging perceptions. And just to get my story down.
So here goes.
There were three "might have beens" in our journey. The first actually started long before we actually decided to adopt.
I had just turned 18. Hubby and I were dating. We knew we wanted to marry, but were not yet engaged. My best friend from highschool became pregnant by her boyfriend. Also a friend of mine. We were "good church kids" so this was very scandaluous even in the late 80s. It was a big secret. She was going to have an abortion and keep that a secret as well. I think the only reason she even told me is that the guy that was giving them the money for the abortion was someone I had been very close with up until I started dating future hubby and she was afraid he would tell me first. I didn't realize that until now.
Anyway, being staunchly and unexamedly pro life at the time(I still am prolife, but I don't think abortion should be illegal), I was appalled and shocked. Not at the pregnancy or the sexual activity - but at the idea of abortion. (I have since matured and been able to show more compassion when a friend confesses a past abortion, not being so judgemental. While today I might still beg a friend not to have an abortion, I know I wouldn't be angry at them the way I was with her).
I offered to "take the baby" if she would carry it. Hubby and I would get married sooner rather than later and raise the child. I didn't think about the awkwardness of the situation (the friendship has waxed and waned over the years even because I 'know' about what she refers to as her 'past'). I don't know if I even thought about it in terms of adoption, guardianship, what if she wanted the baby back, etc. I don't know if she even considered it momentarily. We never discussed it. I didn't see her again until after she had the abortion.
She later had a tragedy involving a rape; the resulting pregnancy miscarried and complications related to the earlier abortion threatened her life. The authorities questioned the veracity of the rape, her family tried to protect her by lying to everyone about the hospitilization (she was on a trip, she had mono, etc). She now has beautiful children, though she remains troubled by what she refers to as "her past". Secrecy can be a powerful communicator of shame.
This was all long before I had any clue that I might not get pregnant easily or before I knew anything about adoption. But I think the experience might have colored my early impressions when I did begin the process. To me, adoption was primarily an alternative, a prevention of abortion.
So here goes.
There were three "might have beens" in our journey. The first actually started long before we actually decided to adopt.
I had just turned 18. Hubby and I were dating. We knew we wanted to marry, but were not yet engaged. My best friend from highschool became pregnant by her boyfriend. Also a friend of mine. We were "good church kids" so this was very scandaluous even in the late 80s. It was a big secret. She was going to have an abortion and keep that a secret as well. I think the only reason she even told me is that the guy that was giving them the money for the abortion was someone I had been very close with up until I started dating future hubby and she was afraid he would tell me first. I didn't realize that until now.
Anyway, being staunchly and unexamedly pro life at the time(I still am prolife, but I don't think abortion should be illegal), I was appalled and shocked. Not at the pregnancy or the sexual activity - but at the idea of abortion. (I have since matured and been able to show more compassion when a friend confesses a past abortion, not being so judgemental. While today I might still beg a friend not to have an abortion, I know I wouldn't be angry at them the way I was with her).
I offered to "take the baby" if she would carry it. Hubby and I would get married sooner rather than later and raise the child. I didn't think about the awkwardness of the situation (the friendship has waxed and waned over the years even because I 'know' about what she refers to as her 'past'). I don't know if I even thought about it in terms of adoption, guardianship, what if she wanted the baby back, etc. I don't know if she even considered it momentarily. We never discussed it. I didn't see her again until after she had the abortion.
She later had a tragedy involving a rape; the resulting pregnancy miscarried and complications related to the earlier abortion threatened her life. The authorities questioned the veracity of the rape, her family tried to protect her by lying to everyone about the hospitilization (she was on a trip, she had mono, etc). She now has beautiful children, though she remains troubled by what she refers to as "her past". Secrecy can be a powerful communicator of shame.
This was all long before I had any clue that I might not get pregnant easily or before I knew anything about adoption. But I think the experience might have colored my early impressions when I did begin the process. To me, adoption was primarily an alternative, a prevention of abortion.
posted by marlene at 1:13 AM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home