Expectations
There are so many voices out there on this webring I am reading.
I seem to be reading each one, looking for clues as to how it informs my adoption experience and that of my daughters.
The blog linked in the title is having some trouble in reunion over expectations.
It hit me, for L and BJ there will be these kind of social negotiations, though I sincerely hope they are not filled with as much angst and misunderstanding as the lady above's reunion.
Between L and BJ, each will have expectations of what reunion will look like - how often contact will be; scheduled or impromptu. How they will introduce each other, what parts of their lives they will share.
I can't help but think two things:
1. If I do get photos and letters going now, wouldn't that inevitably ease the "expectations" becuase of their being some groundwork? I mean, if L sends letters I may not read everyone to BJ immediately, she is only six, but I would certainly keep them for her until she is a bit older, not wait till she was an adult. And if a letter was simple and understandable (because I would expect in the beginning there might be some outpouring of emotions andwhy and how and background that a six year old shouldn't and couldn't deal with) - but if right now we received an "I love you and am glad you are doing well in school" type of letter, certainly I would give that to BJ now. Plus BJ will see a photo as soon as I have one.
2. All adult familial relationships have some of this negotiation. My father has four children. Two of them choose to have no contact with him. One of those won't acknowledge him as father. One contacts only every several years. I have a relationship with him, but it has it's rules and when they are violated - I back off. There is no adoption involved. I talk to my mom every day. I talk to my step mom about once a week. My mom is jealous of my love for my stepmom even though I am closer to no one in this world than my mom.
I seem to be reading each one, looking for clues as to how it informs my adoption experience and that of my daughters.
The blog linked in the title is having some trouble in reunion over expectations.
It hit me, for L and BJ there will be these kind of social negotiations, though I sincerely hope they are not filled with as much angst and misunderstanding as the lady above's reunion.
Between L and BJ, each will have expectations of what reunion will look like - how often contact will be; scheduled or impromptu. How they will introduce each other, what parts of their lives they will share.
I can't help but think two things:
1. If I do get photos and letters going now, wouldn't that inevitably ease the "expectations" becuase of their being some groundwork? I mean, if L sends letters I may not read everyone to BJ immediately, she is only six, but I would certainly keep them for her until she is a bit older, not wait till she was an adult. And if a letter was simple and understandable (because I would expect in the beginning there might be some outpouring of emotions andwhy and how and background that a six year old shouldn't and couldn't deal with) - but if right now we received an "I love you and am glad you are doing well in school" type of letter, certainly I would give that to BJ now. Plus BJ will see a photo as soon as I have one.
2. All adult familial relationships have some of this negotiation. My father has four children. Two of them choose to have no contact with him. One of those won't acknowledge him as father. One contacts only every several years. I have a relationship with him, but it has it's rules and when they are violated - I back off. There is no adoption involved. I talk to my mom every day. I talk to my step mom about once a week. My mom is jealous of my love for my stepmom even though I am closer to no one in this world than my mom.
posted by marlene at 3:42 AM
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