This Adoptee Blog Scares Me
I can cope if L rebuffs my inquiry now about contact/photos. I don't really have any right to it. It is for BJ, but some for me too.
But I hadn't thought too much about what if didn't go well with BJ as a teenager/young adult.
I guess I had thought about it. That is my whole "willing" thing.
I went back and pulled out the "birthmother information form" out the files earlier today before I found the blog above.
What it actually says is " If she chooses...at age 18... I will be willing to cooperate to the best of my ability."
L's voice is so strong and endearing when she talks about herself - her likes, her hopes her dreams. Even the , "I have thought about this.." statement.
The willing statement sounds different in my ears. I am going to hold onto the idea of being prepared. But the fear for BJ grows. How hurtful if all my statements of she loves you and wants the best for you would be met by indifference or worse.
Its projecting, I know, I know. More reasons to think it will be good than bad. Not going to worry about tommorrow and all.
A thought today, the stuff about the father information is blank, but she started to write something and crossed it out. From her "voice" in the other pieces, my gut doesn't believe she didn't know who the father was. And she states that the grandparents didn't know of the pregnancy.
What if when she wrote the "willing to cooperate" statement, she was thinking of BJ wanting contact with the others. That would explain the difference in tone.
The part I worry about now as I get closer and closer to trying to make contact is the others of now. If what I found is her, this statement was written BJ was three weeks old, two weeks after the first court date, three weeks before I ever held BJ... two months before L became pregnant again and married the father of that baby (whose name is of an ethnicity that it would be unlikely that L has based on physical characteristics).
What if a current husband who doesn't know opens her mail?
I don't want to make anything worse for L, or ruin anything for the future for BJ.
I also don't want to let fear rationalize me out of contact if that contact could be good and healing for L - and help BJ grow up with a positive self esteem and without questions, wonderings and pain - and pave the way for a less stressful reunion later.
But I hadn't thought too much about what if didn't go well with BJ as a teenager/young adult.
I guess I had thought about it. That is my whole "willing" thing.
I went back and pulled out the "birthmother information form" out the files earlier today before I found the blog above.
What it actually says is " If she chooses...at age 18... I will be willing to cooperate to the best of my ability."
L's voice is so strong and endearing when she talks about herself - her likes, her hopes her dreams. Even the , "I have thought about this.." statement.
The willing statement sounds different in my ears. I am going to hold onto the idea of being prepared. But the fear for BJ grows. How hurtful if all my statements of she loves you and wants the best for you would be met by indifference or worse.
Its projecting, I know, I know. More reasons to think it will be good than bad. Not going to worry about tommorrow and all.
A thought today, the stuff about the father information is blank, but she started to write something and crossed it out. From her "voice" in the other pieces, my gut doesn't believe she didn't know who the father was. And she states that the grandparents didn't know of the pregnancy.
What if when she wrote the "willing to cooperate" statement, she was thinking of BJ wanting contact with the others. That would explain the difference in tone.
The part I worry about now as I get closer and closer to trying to make contact is the others of now. If what I found is her, this statement was written BJ was three weeks old, two weeks after the first court date, three weeks before I ever held BJ... two months before L became pregnant again and married the father of that baby (whose name is of an ethnicity that it would be unlikely that L has based on physical characteristics).
What if a current husband who doesn't know opens her mail?
I don't want to make anything worse for L, or ruin anything for the future for BJ.
I also don't want to let fear rationalize me out of contact if that contact could be good and healing for L - and help BJ grow up with a positive self esteem and without questions, wonderings and pain - and pave the way for a less stressful reunion later.
posted by marlene at 2:56 AM
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