My Motives
I adopted because I wanted to have a child. I wanted to be a mom.
I didn't adopt because I was seeking to 'save' someone or do good in the world, though I still get people thinking that is why we went through Child Protective Services.
A lot of the folks working for adoption reform talk about legal guardianship. So, I asked myself how I felt about that; what circumstances would I accept a legal guardianship.
If a family member or someone I cared about deeply needed it until they could get things worked out - I would consider it. I can even name times where hubby and I discussed that if this child or that ever needed it, we would tell the parents the child could stay or live with us.
But would I have sought a legal guardianship through social services or an agency if adoption did not exist or if it was a common alternative?
No, I don't think so.
When I wanted to adopt, I wanted to be a mom. While I was open to a child that was not an infant, and if I wanted to adopt again (which I don't), I would consider an older child - I do not want to face the possibility that the child might be taken from me.
I think that women who have placed a child for adoption might understand that more than anyone. Not wanting to lose the child you love. Wanting the surety that they will be with you through adulthood. Though, I know for some this will just confirm what they see as the "predatory" nature of adoptive parents.
I think reform is required. I think adoption has turned into an industry. I am shocked and appalled at what I have read about babies in other countries being stolen and sold to orphanages who are now making great profit because of parents wanting to adopt. I think that should stop people from adopting internationally. Even though the stigma of signle parenting is gone from society, it seems that once a woman even considers adoption that a well oiled machine takes over and preys on any influence to steer her down that path. Many times with coercion and shame. There are horrendous amoral and illegal things done to women who dared to consider adoption and then decide to parent. Just last month a woman who decided to parent was evicted from the apartment paid for via an adoption attorney by adoptive parents only 4 days after birth. Social services then took the baby and the woman's four year old daughter because she was homeless. HELLO? Where was the outrage? Where was the human rights community? How can you be evicted in 4 days for not being able to pay your rent? What about the rest of the month? How was she evicted? You can't get an eviction order that fast. Why wasn't the rent paid for her at least till the end of the month?
I know I couldn't in good conscience do a private adoption now. I would probably end up talking the woman out of the adoption.
But here is the thing. I don't regret adopting my daughter. I love her with my whole being. And if I had contact with L and found out she regretted it. Or that she wasn't treated fairly. I would regret that, I would hurt for her. But even if she had her life together and could prove it beyond doubt. I couldn't and wouldn't give custody of BJ back to her. I don't have guardianship of BJ, she is my daughter and I am her mom. Nothing can change that in my heart.
If I had guardianship of a child, there is the expectation all along that it is not permanent. That is perhaps why some think it should be the answer. For women who were coerced into "the permanent solution to a temporary problem" would benefit from guardianship. Especially the situation where a woman is trying to keep a child safe. Perhaps, guardianship should be a required option to be discussed with a woman in a crisis pregnancy. But if she is already out of contact or not being supported by her friends and family, I wonder how easy it would be to find someone for that situation.
I have gotten off track in this post and in this blog. I started it to tell my story, not others, and to process how I feel about my family and our situation. But I also started it because reading others stories encouraged me to do this. So, I guess I will still post reactions here. I guess that is part of my journey.
Because my journey isn't over. I am going to send a note to L. I am terrified that a spouse or her parents will open it because I don't know if the address is a good one. Its a small town, but the post office still has the rules right - they won't deliver it to the family address if the one I have is old, will they? But I am going to send it. And I am going call the county tomorrow and make sure they have our current address and inquire about the photos, though I won't rely on that.
Someday, I may realize I have shared to much in public space and take this down. Or I may save it here for BJ to read someday if it will help her sort out her own thoughts about her story, or maybe even L. Who knows.
But I do need to not forget to explore the topics that brought me to this blog in the first place.
I didn't adopt because I was seeking to 'save' someone or do good in the world, though I still get people thinking that is why we went through Child Protective Services.
A lot of the folks working for adoption reform talk about legal guardianship. So, I asked myself how I felt about that; what circumstances would I accept a legal guardianship.
If a family member or someone I cared about deeply needed it until they could get things worked out - I would consider it. I can even name times where hubby and I discussed that if this child or that ever needed it, we would tell the parents the child could stay or live with us.
But would I have sought a legal guardianship through social services or an agency if adoption did not exist or if it was a common alternative?
No, I don't think so.
When I wanted to adopt, I wanted to be a mom. While I was open to a child that was not an infant, and if I wanted to adopt again (which I don't), I would consider an older child - I do not want to face the possibility that the child might be taken from me.
I think that women who have placed a child for adoption might understand that more than anyone. Not wanting to lose the child you love. Wanting the surety that they will be with you through adulthood. Though, I know for some this will just confirm what they see as the "predatory" nature of adoptive parents.
I think reform is required. I think adoption has turned into an industry. I am shocked and appalled at what I have read about babies in other countries being stolen and sold to orphanages who are now making great profit because of parents wanting to adopt. I think that should stop people from adopting internationally. Even though the stigma of signle parenting is gone from society, it seems that once a woman even considers adoption that a well oiled machine takes over and preys on any influence to steer her down that path. Many times with coercion and shame. There are horrendous amoral and illegal things done to women who dared to consider adoption and then decide to parent. Just last month a woman who decided to parent was evicted from the apartment paid for via an adoption attorney by adoptive parents only 4 days after birth. Social services then took the baby and the woman's four year old daughter because she was homeless. HELLO? Where was the outrage? Where was the human rights community? How can you be evicted in 4 days for not being able to pay your rent? What about the rest of the month? How was she evicted? You can't get an eviction order that fast. Why wasn't the rent paid for her at least till the end of the month?
I know I couldn't in good conscience do a private adoption now. I would probably end up talking the woman out of the adoption.
But here is the thing. I don't regret adopting my daughter. I love her with my whole being. And if I had contact with L and found out she regretted it. Or that she wasn't treated fairly. I would regret that, I would hurt for her. But even if she had her life together and could prove it beyond doubt. I couldn't and wouldn't give custody of BJ back to her. I don't have guardianship of BJ, she is my daughter and I am her mom. Nothing can change that in my heart.
If I had guardianship of a child, there is the expectation all along that it is not permanent. That is perhaps why some think it should be the answer. For women who were coerced into "the permanent solution to a temporary problem" would benefit from guardianship. Especially the situation where a woman is trying to keep a child safe. Perhaps, guardianship should be a required option to be discussed with a woman in a crisis pregnancy. But if she is already out of contact or not being supported by her friends and family, I wonder how easy it would be to find someone for that situation.
I have gotten off track in this post and in this blog. I started it to tell my story, not others, and to process how I feel about my family and our situation. But I also started it because reading others stories encouraged me to do this. So, I guess I will still post reactions here. I guess that is part of my journey.
Because my journey isn't over. I am going to send a note to L. I am terrified that a spouse or her parents will open it because I don't know if the address is a good one. Its a small town, but the post office still has the rules right - they won't deliver it to the family address if the one I have is old, will they? But I am going to send it. And I am going call the county tomorrow and make sure they have our current address and inquire about the photos, though I won't rely on that.
Someday, I may realize I have shared to much in public space and take this down. Or I may save it here for BJ to read someday if it will help her sort out her own thoughts about her story, or maybe even L. Who knows.
But I do need to not forget to explore the topics that brought me to this blog in the first place.
posted by marlene at 3:03 PM
2 Comments:
I am not an adoptee but I think saving it for BJ would be an awesome sentiment. If you take it down, save it first. Even if you never give it to her, you have it and it may be quite precious. I have things like that (refer to my box of gold post) that I saved for my daughter. NO idea if she will ever want it but i save it anyway.
Yes. If I feel the need to take it down, I will print it first. So much of my heart is going into it. But it is also becoming a record of the journey as much as it is a place to process.
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