Trying to Follow Her Lead
This happened a couple weeks ago, but I didn't post about it right away because I really needed to sit with it.
BJ and I were talking about College. I am a big believer that the earlier and often that kids hear about where and not if, then college becomes a place they expect to belong. So I do. Frequently.
She looked up at me quizzically and said - what if when I am a teenager my real mom comes to get me.
I said, I will always be your mom and take care of you and love you, even if and when L is back in your life.
Again this unfocused, slightly distressed look on her face. I asked her - do you like it that we are honest and talk about adoption and L?
She said she wished she didn' t have to think about it.
So, I said -OK. I won't bring it up. You can ask me whatever you want, or talk about adoption or L whenever you want, but for now - I won't bring it up -we will just concentrate on us, our little family of you and me and Daddy. Would that be easier for now?
Big Big Smile.
I know I laid a foundation of trust, I know I have established that L is not a stigma topic, I have established that complicated feelings are OK. But I probably crossed a line of what is comfortable. This seven year old doesn't WANT to think about those complicated feelings. She wants to feel "normal" and loved and connected. How can I argue with that. Who could blame her.
I still don't believe the don't make it a big deal and the adoptee won't have issues camp. BJ has issues. I didn't plant them. She is making a choice for right now about dealing with them. My mom always said - you have to know your kid ... whenever defending why she made a decision or parenting style choice.
Just as I know it was right to talk about adoption like I talk about college - establish the framework, I know it is right to follow her lead. I do wonder that if this were to go on for years (the not talking about adoption) would she remember the last two years? Would it affect her thinking even if she didn't remember it? And then of course, who knows how much or when she will bring it up even if I don't.
She tested me, though to see if I would keep my word. In the last couple weeks she has made statements about family and relations and future that would have normally made me say a casual reference to L. I didn't. You could visibly see her relax.
How many times have I said this in my journey, from the first foster care application to emails to friends this week. Adoption is complicated. Pain and Joy. There is no roadmap. You have to know your kid.
BJ and I were talking about College. I am a big believer that the earlier and often that kids hear about where and not if, then college becomes a place they expect to belong. So I do. Frequently.
She looked up at me quizzically and said - what if when I am a teenager my real mom comes to get me.
I said, I will always be your mom and take care of you and love you, even if and when L is back in your life.
Again this unfocused, slightly distressed look on her face. I asked her - do you like it that we are honest and talk about adoption and L?
She said she wished she didn' t have to think about it.
So, I said -OK. I won't bring it up. You can ask me whatever you want, or talk about adoption or L whenever you want, but for now - I won't bring it up -we will just concentrate on us, our little family of you and me and Daddy. Would that be easier for now?
Big Big Smile.
I know I laid a foundation of trust, I know I have established that L is not a stigma topic, I have established that complicated feelings are OK. But I probably crossed a line of what is comfortable. This seven year old doesn't WANT to think about those complicated feelings. She wants to feel "normal" and loved and connected. How can I argue with that. Who could blame her.
I still don't believe the don't make it a big deal and the adoptee won't have issues camp. BJ has issues. I didn't plant them. She is making a choice for right now about dealing with them. My mom always said - you have to know your kid ... whenever defending why she made a decision or parenting style choice.
Just as I know it was right to talk about adoption like I talk about college - establish the framework, I know it is right to follow her lead. I do wonder that if this were to go on for years (the not talking about adoption) would she remember the last two years? Would it affect her thinking even if she didn't remember it? And then of course, who knows how much or when she will bring it up even if I don't.
She tested me, though to see if I would keep my word. In the last couple weeks she has made statements about family and relations and future that would have normally made me say a casual reference to L. I didn't. You could visibly see her relax.
How many times have I said this in my journey, from the first foster care application to emails to friends this week. Adoption is complicated. Pain and Joy. There is no roadmap. You have to know your kid.
posted by marlene at 7:09 AM
8 Comments:
The fact that BJ can tell you that she doesn't want to talk about adoption right now speaks volumes about the strength of the foundation you've built.
Your question about whether or not BJ will remember the past two years is a good one. It makes me think of the book with the title something like "everything I needed to know I learned in kindergarten," which made the point that the things we learn as little children are the things that carry us through life. You've built the foundation, it's there - BJ will be walking on it for the rest of her life.
Thanks for the encouragement. Funny thing - I posted this morning and this afternoon, out of the blue she asked "Is "A" (friend) adopted? I said "No." She said "Am I adopted?" I said "Yep." She said "A doesn't believe me that I am adopted. Grandma - do you think I am adopted?" (my mom either nodded or said yes - I didn't hear as I was driving) and she said - see the family all thinks I am adopted" I said - "the family was there." She laughed and said oh!"
I think its wonderful that she can express herself that way.I have always thought that with you. I found myself wondering thought, if she doesnt want to talk about at all, or with you. Meaning, that her loyalty and confusion of over two moms could make her want to protect your feelings versus expressing her own? Have you ever asked her that? Or is it too deep yet?
I think doing what you are doing is fantastic. Keep leaving the door open. Let her walk through it when she wants.
hi Suz,
As far as I know, I am the only one she talks about L to. And she has been pretty forthcoming with her feelings, crying in my arms over not seeing her. talking in my bed telling me its just not fair. Even just asking what if she came back for me. So, if she was older, I might think it might be that she was wary of my feelings - but I have been pretty successful in if I have any reaction to the way she phrases things, I process it somewhere else and just focus on her emotion in the moment.
I know this isn't popular, but especially with the breezy ease of today's quick adoption conversation. I think she just decided that two moms was too hard to think about right now and she doesn't want to think about L every time she thinks about me, or think about me when she thinks about L. So she is shutting it down for a bit. Does that mean she won't ever think about it - of course not. She just wants to compartmentalize a bit. I can understand that. I guess that is not really that different than what you said. Talking to me about L is right there trying to figure out how our roles fit together. If she thinks about L on her own or has a non-mother figure to talk about it with she can figure out her feelings about L without it being so intertwined with me. It is funny because we know absolutely nothing about her biological father, its almost as if adoption doesn't affect her dad at all. I think in her mind he would still be her dad if she wasn't adopted.
I just found your blog and this is a FABULOUS post because this is something that isn't talked about a lot in open adoption. Clearly openness is a more humane and positive experience for the first mother. But, how do the kids feel about it? I grew up adopted in the closed system but I still worried constantly about being taken away by other people. My mom wouldn't have been able to handle my feelings in the way that you did with your daughter. I think you handled that situation with such grace.
Hi and thanks for visiting. I always value the comments of adult adoptees because I hope for a glimmer of what my daughter might be feeling. I went to your blog put couldn't see any posts. What was it that made you feel your adoptive mother would not be able to handle your feelings? I wonder if there are things that come across to kids that mom's don't pik up on.
Also, our adoption isn't an open adoption. I have info about L, but no contact. We adopted through social services which is always closed (at least in that state).
Wonderful post. I'd like to link to it, if I could.
I forget HOW I found your blog, but I enjoy it very much.
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just realized I can only comment with my blogger acct., but my actual blog is at typepad.
Come visit if you'd like holdingstill.typepad.com
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