Contact
I was asked why I don't have contact with L.
I never did. It was a closed adoption through Child Protective Services.
That is the easy answer.
Why don't I make contact now? Why wait until BJ is 18?
I have two or three possible phone numbers.
I have an address.
I even drove by the apartment where she lived once.(I don't think she lives in that state anymore and we don't either).
I think my perception of "willing" stopped me. At 18 stopped me.
The fact my husband wouldn't want me to make contact certainly is a factor.
I think if I had an email, I might move a little closer to being able to do it. Somehow an email seems less intrusive than a phone call or letter out of the blue. Also less likely that a party in her life that doesn't know about the past would accidently find it.
Also, keeps our privacy of where we live, just in case she still isn't in a good place with the drugs.
The last couple of days I have started composing a letter to social services in my head:
We stated in our file that we wanted to be advised if L requested photos. We have moved and never heard anything. I would like to send photos. I would also like to have a photo of L. Would the agency be willing to contact L and inquiry if she would like us to send photos? If so, would you also inquire if she would forward a photo of herself through the agency?
I need to talk with hubby about that. I don't know if they would do it. They were pretty adament about the fact that only BJ and L had right to have stuff put in a file for BJ when she was 18 - not me.
I could also maybe mail a letter to the two addresses I have that is cryptic but she would know.
What do you think, how would it feel to you if you received an envelope in the mail with something like this:
I don't want to disturb your life, your name and contact info was in some paperwork from year in city. Would you like photos of our six year old? Please email me at...
too cloak and dagger?
I found a link to the international registry and a bunch of other info last night. Two things surprised me. That adoptive parents of minors are allowed to register, and all the registry does is give you name and any available contact info.
I have that. Except an email.
Maybe I am just being a wimp. I don't want to take a risk. I want to know if she wants to hear from us before I contact. And I want to contact anonymously first, find out how things are before I actually entertain the idea of anything more.
My ideal, from a selfish point of view is this: I want to be able to send her photos. On a regular basis, not just once -though once would be better than nothing. I would like a photo, and maybe actually a letter written directly to and for BJ instead of pieces of thoughts on a government form. I would like to know more about her life now. I would like to be able to tell her how wonderful BJ is and what her personality and interests are like.
I don't want anymore than that though right now.
If I could envision the "perfect" (for me - again selfish) scenario for later. It would be something like this.
A few months before BJ turns 18 and is making her college plans, we talk and she confirms she would like to meet L before she leaves for college. I contact L and she is in a good place in her life and is excited to meet BJ. We arrange a special meeting place, a nice dinner, an amusement park if extensive travel is involved. We take BJ and a few hours before the actual meeting I tell BJ. We meet. Everyone feels connected, we "catch up" and then dh and I go off while BJ and L have some alone time. We come back together later, etc. exchange contact info, etc.
BJ and L continue you relationship and BJ shares details with me in phone conversations and visits from college. L comes to our house for thanksgiving. BJ spends holidays in both places. I am totally cool with L and I both being grandmas to BJ's kids and seeing each other at school plays and birthdays, etc.
OK - even I get how me setting up the reunion could come across as controlling LOL. But its a fantasy.
I could also envision sitting down over a special lunch with BJ and bringing out all the papers and giving them to her. Asking her if she would like me there when she calls? Or would she rather write?
My daughter doesn't like an audience for a lot of things already, so I can imagine her saying no, she would do it when she was ready and taking the papers and thanking me with a warm hug and then not doing anything for a few days or weeks (which would absolutely drive me crazy :).
I do really hope, what would actually hurt a bit would be if BJ never wanted to talk with me about her experience of meeting L or her feelings about contacting or not. Obviously I would live with it. But it would be being closed out of a part of BJs life that I have lived with and dreamed about for many years. I have always hoped BJ would allow me into that part of herself.
I never did. It was a closed adoption through Child Protective Services.
That is the easy answer.
Why don't I make contact now? Why wait until BJ is 18?
I have two or three possible phone numbers.
I have an address.
I even drove by the apartment where she lived once.(I don't think she lives in that state anymore and we don't either).
I think my perception of "willing" stopped me. At 18 stopped me.
The fact my husband wouldn't want me to make contact certainly is a factor.
I think if I had an email, I might move a little closer to being able to do it. Somehow an email seems less intrusive than a phone call or letter out of the blue. Also less likely that a party in her life that doesn't know about the past would accidently find it.
Also, keeps our privacy of where we live, just in case she still isn't in a good place with the drugs.
The last couple of days I have started composing a letter to social services in my head:
We stated in our file that we wanted to be advised if L requested photos. We have moved and never heard anything. I would like to send photos. I would also like to have a photo of L. Would the agency be willing to contact L and inquiry if she would like us to send photos? If so, would you also inquire if she would forward a photo of herself through the agency?
I need to talk with hubby about that. I don't know if they would do it. They were pretty adament about the fact that only BJ and L had right to have stuff put in a file for BJ when she was 18 - not me.
I could also maybe mail a letter to the two addresses I have that is cryptic but she would know.
What do you think, how would it feel to you if you received an envelope in the mail with something like this:
I don't want to disturb your life, your name and contact info was in some paperwork from year in city. Would you like photos of our six year old? Please email me at...
too cloak and dagger?
I found a link to the international registry and a bunch of other info last night. Two things surprised me. That adoptive parents of minors are allowed to register, and all the registry does is give you name and any available contact info.
I have that. Except an email.
Maybe I am just being a wimp. I don't want to take a risk. I want to know if she wants to hear from us before I contact. And I want to contact anonymously first, find out how things are before I actually entertain the idea of anything more.
My ideal, from a selfish point of view is this: I want to be able to send her photos. On a regular basis, not just once -though once would be better than nothing. I would like a photo, and maybe actually a letter written directly to and for BJ instead of pieces of thoughts on a government form. I would like to know more about her life now. I would like to be able to tell her how wonderful BJ is and what her personality and interests are like.
I don't want anymore than that though right now.
If I could envision the "perfect" (for me - again selfish) scenario for later. It would be something like this.
A few months before BJ turns 18 and is making her college plans, we talk and she confirms she would like to meet L before she leaves for college. I contact L and she is in a good place in her life and is excited to meet BJ. We arrange a special meeting place, a nice dinner, an amusement park if extensive travel is involved. We take BJ and a few hours before the actual meeting I tell BJ. We meet. Everyone feels connected, we "catch up" and then dh and I go off while BJ and L have some alone time. We come back together later, etc. exchange contact info, etc.
BJ and L continue you relationship and BJ shares details with me in phone conversations and visits from college. L comes to our house for thanksgiving. BJ spends holidays in both places. I am totally cool with L and I both being grandmas to BJ's kids and seeing each other at school plays and birthdays, etc.
OK - even I get how me setting up the reunion could come across as controlling LOL. But its a fantasy.
I could also envision sitting down over a special lunch with BJ and bringing out all the papers and giving them to her. Asking her if she would like me there when she calls? Or would she rather write?
My daughter doesn't like an audience for a lot of things already, so I can imagine her saying no, she would do it when she was ready and taking the papers and thanking me with a warm hug and then not doing anything for a few days or weeks (which would absolutely drive me crazy :).
I do really hope, what would actually hurt a bit would be if BJ never wanted to talk with me about her experience of meeting L or her feelings about contacting or not. Obviously I would live with it. But it would be being closed out of a part of BJs life that I have lived with and dreamed about for many years. I have always hoped BJ would allow me into that part of herself.
posted by marlene at 12:14 PM
4 Comments:
i have a very good friend, an amom with three adopted bi racial children, who might be able to help with these thoughts. her first adopted child is in an open adoption situation. she is just now finding her two other childrens moms and deciding to make contact. if you want to talk to someone who might think like you do, or have the same fears, worries, etc. let me know. she is wonderful.
I think it is a very nice fantasy..As a natural mom, I would live that. You don;t put BJ in the middle to be torn..and that says alot.
Thanks Suz and Kim. both helpful:)
Faux Claud, I am struck as I read by how much the reunion pulls the adoptee. I feel in my heart the desire to contact L, but the confirmation that it is right is coming for me in that I might be able to lay groundwork and prevent that for BJ. It would kill me to know I was the source of pain and struggle for BJ. I so want to be her comfort and solace as she faces ANYTHING and EVERYTHING she will allow me to be part of as she deals with the larger world. And that includes those early days of reunion.
Your vision of the "perfect" scenario for later is much like what I envision. And yes, I, too, understand how selfish my thoughts can be.
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