Why
Why this blog? Why now?
I adopted my daughter six years ago. I used to participate in several list servs about adoption. When I began my adoption journey, I didn't know anyone who had adopted well enough to even ask them about their experience. After my daughter was placed in my arms, I started getting connected. Mostly it was to other adoptive parents and that felt good. There was one small group. No more than 10 of us, only two adoptive mothers in the group. The others were birthmothers and a couple adoptees. I now know that many women who placed children for adoption do not like the term birthmother. I can accept that, but I haven't yet been able to embrace the term first or natural mother. Nor have I come across any other that seems to feel comfortable to me or the women I have encountered recently. But I am getting off track. That small group. It was incredible - heart wrenching - but wonderful. I shared things I wondered, they told me their stories, they were kind to me, I was kind to them. How we were so bare with eachother and didn't trigger things for each other I don't know.
Recently I have come across a birthmothers blog ring. I have done a lot of reading. I have watched a lot of my friends become embroiled in controversy and flaming. But through it, I have been touched in ways that group of so many years ago touched me.
I feel the longing to share some of my stories. I feel the longing to talk about what I know and don't know about my daughter's birthmother. I want to be honest and explore things that I don't really have anyone in my life right now to talk with about it. For awhile I had an uncanny string of incidents where women I was getting to know confided in me that they had placed children for adoption years ago. They all shared grief, but all also confirmed the peace they had in watching my family. But these were knew friendships, who knows how much was simple civility.
A part of me is looking to interact again, in a kindly but honest way, with women from other perspectives and experiences. Part of this is just to tell my story and have it down for when I need it. Part of it is to sort through some of the new things I am encountering such as a website I found on a link from a blog that had some really good material for women considering adoption, asking them to think about how they would feel if the circumstances (especially financial or marital) changed in the next year. How does that balance with my reactions to some of the anger and expressions like "lost to adoption" that I am encountering in this webring. If I ask people to read, obviously I can't say - react to this and not that. But as I ask myself why do this now, I recognize that I want to hear what others think of the things I say to my daughter and the things I wonder about her birthmother. But when I write about how I feel about what I am encountering - that isn't really for the interaction. That part is to help me process.
The posts may come quickly, or slowly, or be random thoughts triggered by things I am reading. And the ground rules I will lay for myself. I will try to be as sensitive as I can to who my readers are and what terminology or perspectives mean to them; but I won't use phrases that I haven't worked out, embraced or accepted. That would feel dishonest.
Some of the posts I want to write:
I think adoption reform can best be accomplished if women who have placed and women who have adopted join their voice. Their is truth, unfortunately, that the money speaks and adoptive parents usually wield that even if it means it is a huge sacrifice to them.
How my public adoption (CFS) always made me feel I wasn't part of the "industry" but the specific things I have read that made me question what might have been said to a woman facing tpr of an infant that might have made her relinquish. Was it really what she wanted as I always thought? If it wasn't - what does that mean for me now.
What I tell my daughter about her birthmother, now - what I expect later.
The conversations we have, how I try to make casual, every day comments and how while I believe it is right, I don't do it in front of my husband unless it is very blatantly involved. I never do it in front of other family members. Does daughter pick up on that? Is it better even if she does than to evoke an unpleasant response from grandparents, etc who still prefer to ignore the adoption.
The records I have about L. I always wondered if it was an accident they fell into my hands, if L asked, or the sw chose to put them there accidently.
The story of the match we turned down.
Why I never pursued infertility treatment, how I don't grieve not having a pregnancy, how I know that my daughter would not be who she is without the biological connections she has and I am glad for them, how I want to, work to honor her full story including her birthmother, but the truth that there is still a feeling or acknowledgement or longing to have all of who she is without the life complications of being an adoptive family.
How my daughter is silent in my comments about her birthmother, but when she stumbles and tries to phrase around it in other questions, I know she thinks about it.
My interest in knowing more about her, along with my fear of bringing strife into our life, or even just the complication of another human being and why does that feel like it will be ok when my daughter is older but not now.
The difference between what I feel about discussing the adoption and what my husband feels and believes.
The photos I am saving for her. Supposedly if she asked the agency for them, they would pass along the request. What does it mean that she hasn't asked.
What I found on the internet about her and why I don't seem to have any other reaction than the desire to know more. Did she really have another child almost exactly one year later and was married. Did she really move back home? Or is that an earlier address?
Explore my faith that there was divine intervention in bringing my daughter to me, how she is fully my daughter and it was meant to be so, and how that belief may be hurtful to women who have placed and regret it; I think I can reconcile "meant to be" as "meant to be" after the original events took place.. God did not cause the drug abuse, the CFS, but he used the pain and allowed beauty in it that our daughter truly is a joy to us, that we are a family, we have so much love and our daughter is so strong and happy and healthy. Can I reconcile my not knowing how she feels into this belief?
Tell the story of the prayer of protection and the traditions that have sprung around it.
I thought that tonight I might get some of these posts written. Because when I decided to start this anonymous blog some hours ago, it felt so burgeoning. I had to get it out. But now I am exhausted.
I hope the urge, the need to write this out does not disipate.
I adopted my daughter six years ago. I used to participate in several list servs about adoption. When I began my adoption journey, I didn't know anyone who had adopted well enough to even ask them about their experience. After my daughter was placed in my arms, I started getting connected. Mostly it was to other adoptive parents and that felt good. There was one small group. No more than 10 of us, only two adoptive mothers in the group. The others were birthmothers and a couple adoptees. I now know that many women who placed children for adoption do not like the term birthmother. I can accept that, but I haven't yet been able to embrace the term first or natural mother. Nor have I come across any other that seems to feel comfortable to me or the women I have encountered recently. But I am getting off track. That small group. It was incredible - heart wrenching - but wonderful. I shared things I wondered, they told me their stories, they were kind to me, I was kind to them. How we were so bare with eachother and didn't trigger things for each other I don't know.
Recently I have come across a birthmothers blog ring. I have done a lot of reading. I have watched a lot of my friends become embroiled in controversy and flaming. But through it, I have been touched in ways that group of so many years ago touched me.
I feel the longing to share some of my stories. I feel the longing to talk about what I know and don't know about my daughter's birthmother. I want to be honest and explore things that I don't really have anyone in my life right now to talk with about it. For awhile I had an uncanny string of incidents where women I was getting to know confided in me that they had placed children for adoption years ago. They all shared grief, but all also confirmed the peace they had in watching my family. But these were knew friendships, who knows how much was simple civility.
A part of me is looking to interact again, in a kindly but honest way, with women from other perspectives and experiences. Part of this is just to tell my story and have it down for when I need it. Part of it is to sort through some of the new things I am encountering such as a website I found on a link from a blog that had some really good material for women considering adoption, asking them to think about how they would feel if the circumstances (especially financial or marital) changed in the next year. How does that balance with my reactions to some of the anger and expressions like "lost to adoption" that I am encountering in this webring. If I ask people to read, obviously I can't say - react to this and not that. But as I ask myself why do this now, I recognize that I want to hear what others think of the things I say to my daughter and the things I wonder about her birthmother. But when I write about how I feel about what I am encountering - that isn't really for the interaction. That part is to help me process.
The posts may come quickly, or slowly, or be random thoughts triggered by things I am reading. And the ground rules I will lay for myself. I will try to be as sensitive as I can to who my readers are and what terminology or perspectives mean to them; but I won't use phrases that I haven't worked out, embraced or accepted. That would feel dishonest.
Some of the posts I want to write:
I think adoption reform can best be accomplished if women who have placed and women who have adopted join their voice. Their is truth, unfortunately, that the money speaks and adoptive parents usually wield that even if it means it is a huge sacrifice to them.
How my public adoption (CFS) always made me feel I wasn't part of the "industry" but the specific things I have read that made me question what might have been said to a woman facing tpr of an infant that might have made her relinquish. Was it really what she wanted as I always thought? If it wasn't - what does that mean for me now.
What I tell my daughter about her birthmother, now - what I expect later.
The conversations we have, how I try to make casual, every day comments and how while I believe it is right, I don't do it in front of my husband unless it is very blatantly involved. I never do it in front of other family members. Does daughter pick up on that? Is it better even if she does than to evoke an unpleasant response from grandparents, etc who still prefer to ignore the adoption.
The records I have about L. I always wondered if it was an accident they fell into my hands, if L asked, or the sw chose to put them there accidently.
The story of the match we turned down.
Why I never pursued infertility treatment, how I don't grieve not having a pregnancy, how I know that my daughter would not be who she is without the biological connections she has and I am glad for them, how I want to, work to honor her full story including her birthmother, but the truth that there is still a feeling or acknowledgement or longing to have all of who she is without the life complications of being an adoptive family.
How my daughter is silent in my comments about her birthmother, but when she stumbles and tries to phrase around it in other questions, I know she thinks about it.
My interest in knowing more about her, along with my fear of bringing strife into our life, or even just the complication of another human being and why does that feel like it will be ok when my daughter is older but not now.
The difference between what I feel about discussing the adoption and what my husband feels and believes.
The photos I am saving for her. Supposedly if she asked the agency for them, they would pass along the request. What does it mean that she hasn't asked.
What I found on the internet about her and why I don't seem to have any other reaction than the desire to know more. Did she really have another child almost exactly one year later and was married. Did she really move back home? Or is that an earlier address?
Explore my faith that there was divine intervention in bringing my daughter to me, how she is fully my daughter and it was meant to be so, and how that belief may be hurtful to women who have placed and regret it; I think I can reconcile "meant to be" as "meant to be" after the original events took place.. God did not cause the drug abuse, the CFS, but he used the pain and allowed beauty in it that our daughter truly is a joy to us, that we are a family, we have so much love and our daughter is so strong and happy and healthy. Can I reconcile my not knowing how she feels into this belief?
Tell the story of the prayer of protection and the traditions that have sprung around it.
I thought that tonight I might get some of these posts written. Because when I decided to start this anonymous blog some hours ago, it felt so burgeoning. I had to get it out. But now I am exhausted.
I hope the urge, the need to write this out does not disipate.
posted by marlene at 7:01 PM
1 Comments:
I hear what you are saying. I don't think it was God's plan for L to be addicted to drugs or not have prenatal care, or even for her not to be able to parent. Even more so stories like one I read on the webring last night where the woman was not told she had the right to change her mind for 60 days, where the hospital even listed the adoptive mother as the one who gave birth on the origial birth certificate. Those horrible, amoral, illegal most extreme examples of the coercian that goes on. I can't believe any of that is "God's Will."
I also see what you are saying about the loss of parenting being just as much the horror of bad things in the world.
That is one of the things I want to explore. And maybe that is an explanation more of what I believe about God and evil in the world. I know God does not cause disaster, but clearly he doesn't stop it either. But somehow, if I believe in an interested, involved, relational God - and I do - then I believe that he somehow uses tragedy and when his path is sought, he can use pain, sorrow, and tragedy and accomplish his purposes. Do we use that to justify what we want sometimes. I am sure we do.
Where do you find that line is a good question. In the abstract, in terms of faith I know what I believe. But as I reevaluate and work through some of this, I do want to write through some of this.
It would certainly be best if each woman who conceives could raise and parent her child. But she didn't in this case. And if L wasn't able to, I will be forever grateful that I am.
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