My Part of the Journey

It's time again.

2007-06-16T17:51:00.001-07:00

BJ's birthday is approaching. I have started going through photos from this year. There are a couple really great ones from or recent weekend camping trip. It's not a holiday, so I am not sending a card this time. This will be our third offering, and mild attempt at contact with L. I will be out of state on vacation, so either right before we go or while we are there I will send the photos. This time I will be a bit braver. I am going to send them 2-3 day priority with the receipt verification. She still may not respond, but I will know if she got them. Since its not a card, and its photos, I think it won't be too weird if someone who doesn't know about the adoption on her ends sees a priority envelope with photos of a kid. Planning on writing...

Hope all is well with you. Thought you might enjoy these. As always, we would love to hear from you and your news. My email is...

I am going to try and get hubby to agree to let me sign my first name this time.

I know, I know.. its a bit ridiculous cloak and dagger stuff. We searched her out and found out where she lives and know all this stuff - but we don't want to release any info about ourselves until we have some contact and know where she is in her life.

New Words from BJ

2007-05-02T20:05:00.000-07:00

It was dinner time. We were all sitting around the table. I mentioned an blogger aquaintance had her baby. We cited the statistics - weight, length etc. and commented on big baby etc. BJ asked about a family "story" about daddy being a tiny baby. The phrase repeated is "the size of a five lb bag of sugar". BJ asked how big that was and I reached into the fridge for the sugar to show her. I then told her her weight at birth and my weight at birth. My mother was at the table and corrected me - I wasn't 7lbs like BJ -I was small - I was 5 lbs like dh. Really I said - I always thought I was 7lbs - not small, not large.

BJ said -

"I was born a normal baby" (positive, happy at being normal). And then I had a change in my life. (reflective)

In context and with the tone of voice I took it as a positive statement, recognizing there was nothing wrong with her, she has details of her birth, a healthy weight - and also reflecting on something happening to her that isn't typical, but was significant.

It wasn't until I typed it out that I see the possible "I was normal until that change" - but with the contextual and verbal inflection I don't think that was it.

It was a new way of hearing her talk about it, as something that happened to her, something that affects her - but not something she percieves as making her not normal.

Every Day Life overcomes Worries

2007-04-23T17:58:00.000-07:00

Thanks Third Mom and Overwhelmed. Sometimes times sleeping on it eases things. I appreciate the support, and I did pause to think if I am rushing bed time too much. See, we do have story time and chatting and the same bedtime story each night. The fuss is getting up there, and then sometimes (it goes in spurts) after I have left with night lights glowing, its back down the stairs with every excuse and glass of water, and fuss there is. Even so, sometimes just a regular old mom reality check in is helpful and I appreciate the suggestion.

I am taking a little extra time at bedtime and trying not to let my own tiredness show at the end of the day quite so much.

And as to the nobody wants me stuff, I am just trying to trust that all the days of I love my mommy from her, and me telling her how much I enjoyed doing this with her, and how much I love her, and the hanging out with daddy playing, and making dinner together and all that will somehow help. I know it does. That and I am hanging on the fact that she can tell me, and we can affirm the feeling and/or challenge incorrect thinking together - its got to be the best we can do.

So regular mothering and also I am reading adoptees whereever I can to see what they recall from their childhood - what healed and comforted, what was well intended but not helpful.

Worried

2007-04-19T20:03:00.000-07:00

Tonght during a fairly routine battle over the bedtime, BJ in a rush of excuses about why she was fussing over going to sleep said - No one wants me!

Of course I immediately corrected her - that's not true!, just as I do when she occaisonally says "I am stupid" when she has made a mistake or a poor behavior choice. I correct her, admonish her not to say that because its not true. She is 7, she is learning; sometimes she makes choices that are not right (choosing to stomp up the stairs and scream, you are mean! when I have told her she can not watch another TV show and must go brush her teeth and put on her pajamas)

But I am worried about the lurking self esteem issues. I am stupid is very worrisome in itself - but somehow I feel I can counteract that one. No one wants me, that scares me - that is not a logical conclusion (however wrong the stupid one is, it is directly tied to the feeling of not achieving or knowing something - it can be challenged, redirected, demystified) but not being wanted - thats pure emotion, pure self image.

It scares me. I worry for her.

Before and After

2007-02-10T16:45:00.000-08:00

Thanks to all who comment and encourage me in this journey. I am not any better of a mom than millions of women who try to put what they believe to best for their children first.

Anyway, here are two more conversations I want to record - they may not be as wonderfully handled as the last ones, but they are part of the ongoing picture of our family life and BJ's developing sense of self as it relate to adoption.

Last week - BJ and I are sitting on the couch with one of those lap desks in front of us. She is really mad at me because I am making her do her homework (I am such a mean mom). She has a lot of math. I help her by talking her through the first few problems then tell her to do the next couple. Won't let her have the TV, won't let her play with the dog,etc while doing her work. She is becoming increasingly frustrated as I intercept her stalling techniques. She really really doesn't want to do this homework due the next day - she is worried about approaching bed time and missing out on tv.

She says: I don't like you; I never wanted you to be my mom. She is shouting and angry, I believe she is angry about the homework right now. I say - people don't get to pick their parents. I didn't pick grandma. She says before I can say even though I am not adopted - but you were born to grandma. I don't want you, I just want L.

Amazingly this actually didn't hurt, I knew she was mad because she was trying really hard not to do homework and I was being fairly successful at taking away every excuse not to do it.

I didn't say anything and she calmed down and did her homework. She finished, had 15 min of TV before bed. As we walked upstairs she started singing, I love you mommy, My mommy is the best.

I said in my teasing voice - sure you love me as long as I am not making you do your math! She laughed and gave me a sheepish grin.
~~~~~~

A few minutes ago, BJ was doing cartwheels across the living room. She layed down a blanket on the floor to do them on, the dog ran over and sat down in the middle. She screeched in a whiny voice - get off. The dog did not move. BJ kicked at the dog. I said - "Time Out!! - get on the couch - now!" She has been told before we don't kick the dog. She knew immediately - and started whining - I know I shouldn't but I wanted. I said "Stop" I started to tell her that the blanket on the floor.. she started yelling - I just want to be a normal kid. I don't want to be adopted. A's not adopted. I don't want to be adopted. I just want L right now.

I said - what does not kicking the dog and doing cartwheels on a blanket have to do with adoption?

She started whining again the dog wouldn't get off the blanket. I said please stop whining. She sat on the couch. THen she said can I get up? I said - are you ready to listen to me? She said yes.

I said it is OK to say however you are feeling. It is OK to say that you don't want to be adopted and that you want L. It is not OK to shout at me that you hate being adopted just because you are mad at me and want to get me off what we are talking about.

She said OK. Now she is doing cartwheels again and watching full house reruns. Jesse and Becky are getting married. She turns around and says, whats the thing after you get married? I say the reception? no, the honeymoon? Yes - do you have to go to that? I said,no but a honeymoon is just a nice vacation. Did you and Daddy? I said Daddy had to be at work on Monday so we stayed in a hotel in Lake Tahoe. BJ - Have I been there? - Me - Its up by grandma's - Oh! I am going to ask if I can go there.

She makes an announcement in public

2007-02-09T20:04:00.000-08:00

Taking advice from a commenter, I reminded BJ about her comment that her friend did not believe her about being adopted and asked BJ if it woud be OK if I spoke to my friend (her friend's mom) about the fact that we adopted her.

BJ responded in this very casually adult manner, "I would rather tell her myself"

OK.

So, tonight we had a community event and these friends were there and we were going out after to get a bite to eat along with another adult that we haven't seen in several months but who both girls like a lot. BJ asked to ride in the car over with the friends. We do this all the time.

We get settled in the restaurant and start looking at the menu. BJ looks up and says MOM! (names of friends) don't believe I am adopted!

I looked at BJ and said in a pleasant upbeat but cautious voice... "You want to talk about this now?" (mostly because I was surprised in front of this other person after she wanted us not to tell ANYONE.)

She nodded yes. So I said, We adopted BJ when she was an infant.

The other two adults at the table's mouths fell open.

My friend said to BJ, I am sorry honey, I thought you were telling a story like when we tell bigger and bigger tall tales. (or something like that meaning I am sorry I didn't believe you but I didn't really think you were lying).

One of them (I don't remember which, maybe both) asked if there was any contact. I said no- it is a closed adoption through the county.

I said to my friend, I had never said anything because when we moved here BJ asked us not to. She is old enough, this is her story to tell.

Both friends immediately told me of people in their lives who were adopted and say they never want to search.

(I was a little surprised, I am used to the question about contact but not the assumption that not searching is something to be praised or somehow would be an encouragement)

I responded: "Well, I have a lot of information so when the time comes and she is ready, we should be able to have contact - we just don't right now. I actually hope she will want to have a relationship." There was a bit of silence as they digested that - nothing uncomfortable just a new approach for them, I guess. I felt the need myself to add something, and said "You see, I have a brother and two sisters that have a different mom. My brother was in and out of my life growing up but my sisters were raised in another country. I grew up with that feeling that there was this family, - out there - somewhere, and wanting that connecton. So I want that connection for her someday."

The two girls by this time were bored with the conversation and were drawing on menus, playing games and picking their meals. The waitress had been by 3 times and we hadn't really looked at the menu.

I told my friend - "now that you know, you will start seeing things around the house and wondering how you missed it. It's not a secret, its just part of our family story. there are plaques on the wall (the adoption announcement) and scrapbooks that cover the adoption stuff. And you will start thinking about how I have never talked about a pregnancy or giving birth, how I have said when she arrived, etc.

Both of these women care about BJ a great deal and I know they wanted to ask more questions but were very sensitive to the fact that I was letting BJ lead what we spoke about and my checking. They kept a positive tone of voice and were affirming to BJ and I am thankful for that.

I am sure BJ listened to every word, I don't know what she will take away from their first reactions about not searching and my response supporting contact. When we were home and getting ready for bed I asked her how she felt about the conversation about being adopted. She said good,again with an upbeat tone. I didn't ask anymore.

I know my friend and she will have questions when it is just us, and that is fine. I know she was quite surprised. I forgot this in the retelling above, but one of the first things she said was... but she looks SO Much like your husband. I joked and said - gee thanks!

(like and not me? )- BJ does look a lot like me in general, if you look at specific features and compare to either hubby or I, you see that its not there -but most people I have found don't do that - BJ's coloring is smack dab in the middle of hubby and I, her face shape is generally like mine and her eye color is somewhat like his, so separate from adoption people comment on how much she looks like us and I have a couple baby pictures where we look a lot alike at the same age. I think that it might be possibe one of the reasons I have been so obsessed about getting a photo of L, other than having read that is the#1 question teen female adoptees ask (do I look like her), is that I want to see some of those features, and I want to see if we look like L ourselves.

But then I told them that while at first I found it offensive in the abstract, that the sw assigned to her had 5 home study certified families that the staffing had all found as good matches, so she actually sat down with photos and just chose the family that looked most like baby. While in general it doesnt seem right, I was glad we were picked for her - even if it was something as silly as hair color when hers fell out and changed color and mine was died at the time.

We Just Can't Help It

2007-02-04T16:18:00.000-08:00

So, on the way to church this morning BJ says to me, my friend S is small. I reply without thinking, Yes, but so is S's mom. BJ looks at me with her big eyes and this long expectant pause.

I say - do you want to hear this? Do you want to know about L?

BJ says yes. No heaviness, just yes. So I proceed.

L is (height) which is about the same as me, she is very slender - so you will likely be as well. She has (color) hair and (identifying mark). BJ giggles at identiying mark.

I said, I know, I think that kind is sort of cool. I don't personally care for tatoos, but I think that choice is sort of cool.

BJ: How do you know this?

Me: From the form she filled out for you.

BJ says - I want to ask you ONE questions. ONE Quesion?! She is animated and joyful.
OK, whats that.

What is L's birthmark (BJ has a small birthmark that in a place she can't see easily but its come up a few times in the last six months). I don't think she has one, or if she does its not on the paper. When it asks about identifying marks, that is where you would put it, but she just wrote the identifying mark. (confused look from BJ) Not everyone has a birthmark honey, I don't have one.

Conversation ends naturally and peacefully as we pull into the church parkinglot. BJ and I get out of car and she grabs my had as I walk and she skips into church.

I guess following her lead means minute by minute :)

What do I say about this?

2007-02-03T10:43:00.000-08:00

BJ told her best friend that she was adopted. Friend didn't believe her. I didn't hear the conversation. BJ just told me. BJ's friend's mom is a good friend of mine who doesn't know that BJ is adopted because last summer BJ asked hubby and I not to tell anyone she was adopted.

I don't know what to say to BJ. When she told me, I just said does A know what adopted means? BJ said ... YES MOOOOOOOM!

I am waiting for my fried to ask me, but she hasn't so apparently A didn't say anything to her mom. If mom asks me, I will obviously be open and honest. But I didn't expect that reaction for BJ.

Mansion full of big kids

2007-02-03T10:35:00.000-08:00

Driving in the car (of course):

BJ: I wish we had a big house like that one.
Me: We need to be thankful for what we have. We have a nice house - its nicer than what we had in San Diego.
BJ: yeah, but (friend's) house is like out of a magazine.
Me: there will always be people who have more than us and people who have less than us. The point is to be glad for what you have.
BJ: When I grow up I want a Mansion
Me: Ok - study hard in school, work hard - save your money - you can have whatever kind of house you want.
BJ: I want a house like THAT (there are a lot of new "McMansions" popping up in our area)
Me: are you going to get married AFTER COLLEGE and have a lot of kids to fill up a big house like that?
BJ: I might not have kids.
Me: That is a lot of house for one person.
BJ: I might adopt... first four big kids and then two little kids.

Just making a note of it

2007-01-17T19:27:00.000-08:00

Three times this week BJ asked me if different people (kids) we know are adopted. Each time she was disappointed that I said no. This always came up when we were talking about the person, not about adoption.

Trying to Follow Her Lead

2007-01-13T07:09:00.000-08:00

This happened a couple weeks ago, but I didn't post about it right away because I really needed to sit with it.

BJ and I were talking about College. I am a big believer that the earlier and often that kids hear about where and not if, then college becomes a place they expect to belong. So I do. Frequently.

She looked up at me quizzically and said - what if when I am a teenager my real mom comes to get me.

I said, I will always be your mom and take care of you and love you, even if and when L is back in your life.

Again this unfocused, slightly distressed look on her face. I asked her - do you like it that we are honest and talk about adoption and L?

She said she wished she didn' t have to think about it.

So, I said -OK. I won't bring it up. You can ask me whatever you want, or talk about adoption or L whenever you want, but for now - I won't bring it up -we will just concentrate on us, our little family of you and me and Daddy. Would that be easier for now?

Big Big Smile.

I know I laid a foundation of trust, I know I have established that L is not a stigma topic, I have established that complicated feelings are OK. But I probably crossed a line of what is comfortable. This seven year old doesn't WANT to think about those complicated feelings. She wants to feel "normal" and loved and connected. How can I argue with that. Who could blame her.

I still don't believe the don't make it a big deal and the adoptee won't have issues camp. BJ has issues. I didn't plant them. She is making a choice for right now about dealing with them. My mom always said - you have to know your kid ... whenever defending why she made a decision or parenting style choice.

Just as I know it was right to talk about adoption like I talk about college - establish the framework, I know it is right to follow her lead. I do wonder that if this were to go on for years (the not talking about adoption) would she remember the last two years? Would it affect her thinking even if she didn't remember it? And then of course, who knows how much or when she will bring it up even if I don't.

She tested me, though to see if I would keep my word. In the last couple weeks she has made statements about family and relations and future that would have normally made me say a casual reference to L. I didn't. You could visibly see her relax.

How many times have I said this in my journey, from the first foster care application to emails to friends this week. Adoption is complicated. Pain and Joy. There is no roadmap. You have to know your kid.

I should have read this

2006-12-24T06:43:00.000-08:00

before I got all Christmas emotional. And I owe a shout out to the one who is directing us to these beautiful writers sharing their most intimate experiences with those of us at different points in the journey.

Always Questions

2006-12-24T06:12:00.000-08:00

I read this, and it is beautiful, but I can't help worrying...

Am I setting BJ up for heartbreak by encouraging her of the possibility, to hope for and expect a relationship with L?

How many adoptees face this kind of reunion experience?

I sort of assume it will be tenuous as they figure out what they (BJ and L) want and get to know each other and figure out how to fit it all together. I don't expect perfect. I don't expect roses and running into hugs and tears(though wouldn't it be wonderful?)

But my oh my - just the thought of BJ living with the rejection of longing for a relationship with L and finding L not capable of giving it.

My mother's heart breaks at just the projection of the possibility.

I want to grab this woman, and Mia, and those experiencing this and just hug on them, and feed them baked goods and hot tea and sit them in front of a fire with a cuddly blanket - make it all better

And of course I can do nothing of the sort. And while I could for BJ ... it would be so woefully inadequate.

OK. Putting off the focus on the negative. If that were to happen - we would deal with it. I am not going to focus on it.

I am going to focus on trying to build the best possible foundation for the best possible/ healthiest / happiest reunion experience on BJ' part.

Ultimately - both of them are in God's hands - not mine. May he use me to His Glory and for the purpose of His Love.

Every Day Business

2006-12-22T19:56:00.000-08:00

Reading back over my posts, it has been awhile since I posted anything substantial here. I haven't had the emotional energy to sit down with my thoughts and write what I want.

And life is just full of normal kid/family/work stuff.

Tonight during MAJOR grocery shopping for Christmas, BJ says to me as we enter the deli section.

"I told my friends I am adopted."

I responded, sort of distractedly as I was looking for the right kind of lunchmeat, "Oh, did they say ...oh. BJ says - they said "ohh, what did you say?"

"Did you tell them what it means? I bet they don't know what adopted means"

"They know, mom."

It was very brief and like I said, distracted.

I could be just reassuring myself, but I also think this might be good - if there is more she wants to say other than she shared (six months ago she declared she didn't want anyone to know) - then I know she wil bring it up again.

But if that is all she wanted me to know, I think it is good that sometimes when we talk about adoption, we don't have to talk abou how we feel, or have a long drawn out conversation. Sometimes.

In other news, I found out last night that my step brother (who I haven't had direct contact with for some years) has just started the paperwork to adopt a 13 year old boy, who has been a foster child in his home for the last two years. I knew he and his wife were foster parents, but I only heard about the comings and goings of little ones - there are three toddlers now, their are twim infants now, etc. I had no idea they had a long term placement or that they had any intention of pursuing adoption. I don't know anything of my future nephew's story or how he came into foster care or how long he was in foster care before this placement. But I am glad to hear of an older child in foster care finding an adoptive family of his own. My step brother is a really cool guy and I am very happy for him and his wife.

Thoughts on reunion from an adult adoptee

2006-12-13T17:07:00.000-08:00

Posting (stealing) this from Thin Pink Line, so I can find it for BJ - if and when...

"Enjoy this exciting time and you newfound relationships, but stay true to yourself. Do not deny your own emotions whatever they might be. Know, that you are the innocent in this equation, the one who didn't have a choice about how your life played out so be sure to respect that fact. Allow yourself to be looked after, by yourself, by your loved ones. Allow yourself whatever space and time you need. Only give as much of yourself as you can without feeling emotionally overextended. Don't let anyone make you feel that you need to be their primary source of reassurance. Be prepared for your feelings to evolve and change. Know that the amount of involvement you want to have with your newfound family may ebb and flow over the years, and that's o.k. The same may happen for them. Reunion might sometimes feel completely overwhelming. Reunion is not a static state, just as adoption is not a static state. It will wax, wane and morph into different shapes and nuances over the years. Allow yourself to have expecations met. Allow yourseslf to grieve those that aren't. Allow yourself to set boundaries and prepare yourself that they might be ignored. Know that you might occasionally feel selfish when you need to take time to protect your heart, know that you truly aren't. And I guess.... know that you're not alone.

can't help it

2006-12-06T17:40:00.000-08:00

It has been a week today since we sent the christmas card with photos. She must have them by now. I wonder how it was recieved.

I need to write those two other posts and not think about it.

Update

2006-11-30T15:28:00.000-08:00

The post office wouldn't (or no longer does allow) me put the delivery confirmation on a regular first class envelope, and would only do it in one of those large priority envelopes. Who gets Christmas cards in priority mail? So it is just regular mail again. I won't know if she got it unless she contacts us. I feel so strongly in my gut that I want it to look like an old friend sending a holiday card in case family gets it instead of her so that her privacy is protected.

Oh well.

Here We Go..

2006-11-29T15:41:00.000-08:00

I have two posts that I have been thinking about and needing to post. One is about how my faith informs adoption, or how adoption informs my faith - in response to Dawn's question. I NEED to write that. But I haven't, and because I haven't, I haven't been able to write the post that I need to about the "you are not my real mother" conversation with BJ (actually 2 of them in one week) and I have a friend I want to process through that with before I go public.

But today is a day, and I need to memorialize it becomes I am nervous.

It is Christmas card day. I went to the store today and hovered over the cards for some time. I found one with a winter scened with a deer and some animals and Santa and reindeer flying overhead. It says

At Christmas and Always, never forget...you are never forgotten. Inside it says Hope you enjoy the holidays.

I put 3 snapshots from this year of BJ that I really like and one wallet size from when she was about 10 months old and a wallet from last christmas with our dog. These will be the first photos L sees.

I agreed with hubby that I would write:

We would love to hear from you and how you are doing. which I did.

I showed the card to BJ and the photos and she liked it. I asked her if she wanted to write in it and I told her she couldn't sign her name, what did she want to write. She wrote "I Love You".

I don't know how this is going to reach L, but I figure that will either really touch her, or one of my fears, it might trigger her WTF moment if she hasn't already had it. I hope she is OK. But it will really surprise me if that doesn't trigger some contact.

I ended up letting BJ sign her first initial and her middle name which is the name L gave her at birth.

Until I know where she is in her life and how she is going to respond to all this, and because hubby is much more private in regards to our info - I am not ready to send personal info into the void.

I am going to do one of those postal things that verifies delivery, and put it in the back corner of the envelope. I need to know she got it. And I am not putting a return address on it.

And it is not lost on me that I know all this about her and am still trying to protect her from even knowing our first names. I don't think first mothers are stereotypes of all the problems, but due to our CPS adoption, I do have reason to believe she has or had some serious issues in her life, at least 7 years ago. So I don't think the caution is unwarrented, I just feel the weird conflict of it.

Hopefully, if she contacts us it can proceed forward, but at the very minimum, my daughter is growing up knowing that L is valued and not a forbidden or taboo subject, and just maybe I am doing a little right by a woman who has impacted my life significantly, who God loves as much as he loves me, and who yes, I think that means I owe her at least a few pictures and lots of prayers and a hope for the future.

It goes to the post office tomorrow, so here starts several months of wondering and checking the email account.

Weird Dream

2006-11-09T19:37:00.000-08:00

I had a dream last night that started with me just thinking I guess. If I knew I was dying, what would I need to do to prepare BJ? (I am not dying, I am fine but when I was a little girl I saw a movie about a kid named summer whose mother gets cancer when she is pregnant and scenes from that movie stick with me today). Get the will in order, talk to her, write her letters about life...

And then the thought - I would have to write down somewhere that I wanted and encouraged BJ to have a relationship with L after I was gone. I wouldn't want anyone guilting her that pursuing L would be disrespectful to me.

So in my dream I am drafting this letter about how I always love her and will always be her mom and with her, and don't forget you can still have L, for she has two women who love her with their every breath. And I think about giving this letter to my DH.

I am tracking along here and everything is flowing, gentle music, tender sunlight through the drapes,

Then in the dream DH takes the letter to L after my death, and then he falls in love with L. And now my DH is married to L - so BJ's Mom and DAd are married and all of a sudden it DOES feel like I have been erased.

I was just a short time mom, and DH's marriage to L makes my memory less important. For the first time, I feel threatened.

Wake up! Weird. I don't think that I feel threatened by the idea of L in BJ s life, in fact the dream started with a comfort that if I passed BJ wouldn't be without a mom. But it was like if BJ had L on one side and her father/my DH on the other then everything is hunky dory - two families - just like now.

But if the families merge without me - then I am not the mother who was lost, but an expendable piece of her history.

So, clearly it is showing some insecurity - but is it as a mother, or a WIFE? LOL.

I feel weird documenting this, but since this is about my part of the journey, it make sense to write about the uncomfortable stuff too.

Birth Stories

2006-11-05T14:21:00.000-08:00

BJ has been asking about her birth lately. Little questions here and there. Where was I born, What time of day was it, how big was I.

Normal kid stuff at this age. I am so thankful I can answer almost everything.

She has heard the story many times of where I was when she was born, but of course I didn't know it till later. I had told her what hospital she was born in, the town.

But it is funny how things collide. I have been reading several stories, blogs, and videos where adoptees talk about missing having never heard the details. So I feel good being able to give the details, small details.

Last night when she asked again, I took it from time of birth to her first plane trip with the foster home at 7 days old.

I stopped, but in my head I thought I should have said and during those days, L was thinking and praying and worrying about what was the best thing for you.

Next time, some time. But like most things I wonder about the line. Where is the line between saying what is not mine to say, sharing what I know or believe to ensure a positive perception of L in BJ's birth story, and not including L in the story when it is normal and natural to.

Its an ongoing saga.

Not Much

2006-09-21T11:52:00.000-07:00

Not much going on in terms of adoption these last few weeks. Just busy with fall activities and school. I did contact White Oak about help with sending Christmas Card and return address, etc. Still not sure. Need to talk with hubby but last two weeks our work schedules have been opposite and alone time has been nill. We did get a wonderful 1/2 day alone together yesterday, but thoughts were elsewhere and I didn't bring it up.

Stuff

2006-09-08T18:47:00.000-07:00

Last night I got out the paperwork from L and showed it to BJ. She glanced at it and looked away and said OK. Totally uninterested.

I said - OK well, you can look at this whenever you want, just let me know.

I talked to my step mom (whose kids are my age and were all adopted - but it was a taboo subject when I was growing up - at least to me who did not live with them). I asked her if my step sister would be willing to speak with BJ about adoption if BJ wanted that at some point in the future, although right now BJ doesn't want because she has never met my stepsister. She said she was sure she would, but how did this come up and why were we talking about it. My step mom tried to be gentle but she came from a different generation and while she was honest with her kids about adoption, I doubt it was ever encouraged to talk about. I know when my step sister was a teenager and going through a rough patch of rebellion, she once told me she wondered if Susan Lucci was her "real" mom and wouldn't that be cool.

Anyway, my step moms said "you know that they say not to encourage too much focus on adoption at this young age because their thinking is fantastical."

I know that kids are concrete and fantasy based until 11/12 when they develop the ability to think in the abstract. I have read many adoptee blogs talk about the adoptee experience of wondering what if I had been with a different adoptive family, the whole arbitrariness of it all.

But, I just kept thinking - if the adoptee is going to think/feel that -they are going to think/feel that regardless if you encourage them to express their thoughts or not. If BJ is wondering or worrying about stuff like that - I would much rather her talk to me about it than fester or feel alone and isolated or insecure.

I do think it might be possible to over do focus on adoption. If every single conversation on every day, or every trouble or triumph was related to adoption - it could get creepy like that movie the royal tannenbaums. But I don't think the encouragement of opennes and my sharing of my thoughts on things as they come up in every day topics is like that. Yes we are talking about adoption fairly frequently, maybe once a week or once every two weeks. Sometimes it might go in phases more or less than that. But BJ and I talk A LOT every day about 10 times as many other things too. There is balance.

I feel confident (most of the time) that for BJ, for her my bringing up of adoption issues as normal life stuff occurs is a positive. That it will allow her to explore and express all of who she is.

I have also had some loving friends question me this week about some of my thoughts and growth in this area. I think that is a positive as well, challenging me to refine, own and thoroughly think through my opinions and decisions. It is very different than someone being alarmed when I bring up the subject.

But the combination of being overwhelmed at work, back to school, BJs grief, the family reaction, and expanding my sharing with trusted friends, it feels kind of weird. The comments that say - amazing - wow, etc are nice but even then it makes me pause and say - why do women who are more proponents of biological connections than I am find this amazing and awesome? The comments from adoptees probably mean the most to me; hearing what they experienced and how they thought about it, or what they think it would have been like to be in BJs place in the converstation is what I crave and is the encouraging ones have been very comforting indeed. I want to talk more with these couple friends, but I feel like shrinking back from the family members. Just not going there, you know? Of course, I want to talk with BJ as often or as detailed as she wants.

On Reading

2006-09-05T20:19:00.000-07:00

I picked up my copy of "Twenty Things Adopted Kids wish their parents knew about Adoption" and just sort of browsed through the chapter titles again. The ones on - I need you to initiate conversations about my adoption, and on I need you to teach me about grieving caught my eye. I don't know if it was in those or somewhere else I flipped ( I have read it cover to cover twice, but it is that kind of book worth coming back to every so often). But something else really hit me.

It echoed something I had read on the blog of more than one adoptee last week. It talked about a great fear of being alone; of all aloneness triggering feelings of being left behind.

BJ doesn't like to be alone. Never has. We live in a three story house, moved here last summer. Our bedroom is on the second floor, the others on the third floor. BJ was having none of it. When hubby was away for work for several months, she slept in my room most of the time, and in the sitting area just outside my room the rest of the time. When hubby came home in January, we tried moving her back to her room again. She hated it. It was a battle. We little by little moved all of her stuff, and now instead of a living room on the second floor, BJs room is out. There is no door, you walk through that area on the way to our room. But she loves it. It now has all her stuff, bed dresser, books, toy box, posters, decorations. She may want privacy when she is older, but for now - close is better. Even in the day or evening, she never goes into another room to play or do something. If she goes out on the front porch, it is only for moments. She always needs to be around us. When I put her down for bed, story, song, hugs and kisses, if I then go back downstairs (mind you again her area is upstairs and the railing/banister looks down over the bottom floor) if she doesn't just conk out, she freaks - hating to be even that bit away from us.

She is generally a flexible kid - not a lot of separation anxiety, has handled our moves well. This is not an inflexible or nervous child. She just doesn't like to be alone.

Tonight, I put her down to bed at 8:30. At 9:30 when I went up for my bath, she was still awake. At 10:30 when I was getting out of my bath, she was still awake. She started telling me that she hates it when I am down stairs because she feels all alone.

So, I took her into my room, and we closed the door and sat down and I said:

Me: I was reading a book today that said that sometimes people who were adopted..
BJ: like me
Me: yes, sometimes they have this feeling whenever they are alone that they feel left behind and abandoned, because that is what it felt like when they were little babies.
BJ: MOM! That books is TRUE! That is what I feel like. I don't like it when you guys go downstairs or when you are not here and grandma goes upstairs.
Me: Is that how you feel inside, or is that some thing I just said and put in your head?
BJ: That isnt just what you said, thats how I feel. All adopted people feel like that too.
Me: You think?
BJ: Uh huh.
Me: OK. So, now we know that you might feel like that even though, I will never ever leave you.
BJ: You might.
Me: No, I won't. Do you think I might leave you because you don't have L?
BJ: Yes.
Me: I don't know everything about L..
BJ: Why?
Me: All I have is what she wrote for you. I will give it to you when you are 18.
BJ: I want to see it now! I want to see her handwriting (can you believe that, a seven year old who intuits how intimate it is to know someone's handwriting)
Me: Ok, I have to go find the papers, you have (activity) tomorrow night, so on Thursday we will get the papers out so you can see her handwriting.
Me: But what I was saying was that while I don't know everything about her situation, I know that some things were different. I don't think L's parents took very good care of her. They didnt keep her from the drugs. Her situation is sad, but it is not my situation. I am not going to leave you. I am not going to get sick with drugs. And I pray everyday that she is getting better. This is part of adoption, some sad - some happy. What happened to L is very sad, but God took that bad stuff and he still used it for some happy stuff. We have each other. And someday, you will have L too.
Me: Honey, did I ever tell you she is a nurse?
BJ: So she has to take care of herself.
Me: I think so. I pray every day she is getting better. And we are going to send her a christmas card
BJ: But she didn't get the card we sent before.
Me: I don't know, maybe she did but she is so sad missing you, or maybe she is waiting for me to send a photo.
BJ: What if she dies.
Me: She isn't dying.
BJ: What if she does, what if she dies one minute ago.
Me: I had a friend who finds people and she helped me and she knew someone like a police officer and that friend of a friend checked up on L and they found some stuff that tells us she is not dead. She is OK.
BJ: Could you call your friend and ask them to check up on her one more time?
Me: I can email her, but I know L is alive honey.
Me: Honey, what I really want you to know is that I will never leave you. I am going to tell you that all the time. I know your heart might not believe it, but maybe your head will. What else can we do to help you feel that I will never leave you.
BJ: When we go to disneyland we need to take walkee talkees. I want to get lost so I know that I can just call you.
BJ: And you can lock me out of the house and I will just walk around.
Me: I am not going to lock you out of the house. I am not going to lose you. I am never going to leave you.
Me: Are you ever afraid to talk to me about adoption stuff?
BJ: No.
Me: That is good. We can talk about ANYTHING.
BJ: But you are not adopted.
Me: Would you like to talk to someone who was adopted.
BJ: No one in our family was adopted.
Me: That is not true - (M's) kids were adopted. Would you like to talk to your Aunt MB? Or would that be weird cuz you don't really know her.
BJ: that would be weird.
Me: Let's see who else do we know that was adopted? My friend _'s daughter _.(BJ looks up)
BJ: Some kids at school know I am adopted.
Me: That is ok - you can tell whoever you want.
BJ: I don't want them to know, I just couldn't keep it in.
Me: You just had to let it out.
BJ: Yeah.
Me: But they are your friends, so that is ok. Is there anything else we need to talk about tonight?
BJ: OK. Can we talk about animals. At sea world there were those manatees that got hurt in their tails.
Me: you need to go back to bed, it is very late.
BJ: I really care about the animals, I want to talk about them.
Me: We can talk about that tomorrow.

Movies

2006-09-04T21:02:00.000-07:00

Tonight, after bath and laying out clothes for first day of school tomorrow, BJ wanted to watch 10 minutes of TV before going up for story and bedtime. We went downstairs and turned on the Disney Channel. They were showing a movie we have seen a number of times before.

BJ likes the movie... Snow Dogs.

She likes the dogs, she likes the fun. I like the movie too.

Except the first 10 minutes.

See the premise of this show is that the main character was adopted and never knew it until his first mother passes away and he is served with a summons to appear for the reading of the will. THEN his adoptive mother tells him he was adopted (a grown man, presumably in his 30s). He faints, then cuts to a scene on the beach where he wonders if he was meant to be someone else, then cut to the reading of the will. After the reading of the will, a friend of the deceased, asks him if all he wants to do is go through her stuff, and the adoptee asks - do I owe her anything else? She pawned off her kid.

That's the first 10 minutes.

I changed the channel a couple times, talking about how the beginning of the movie didn't have the dogs in it anyway (what she leaves him are her bobsled dogs, her most cherished posession).

We finally ended up back there, with nothing on. I should have just turned it off.
Anyway, I am OK with the part where he is confused and angry I guess. But the whole she never told him and fainting thing, and his confusion. SO not OK for BJ. But again, she has seen this before.

So, sitting there with BJ and hubby and my mom who is visiting. I couldn't not say something. I didn't want to make it a big deal, or turn any mention of adoption into this huge formal conversation. But I couldn't just let such negative messages go by.

So, After he fainted, I just said, sort of in the direction of the TV. He is shocked and surprised because he was never told of the adoption. That is not right, a person deserves to know that. That is why he fainted.

I just don't want messages that adoption is bad, shocking, something to be ashamed of hitting her at this age, and right now where we are just exploring what it means to her personhood. There certainly is enough grief and loss in adoption without media putting it out as something horrible.

My hope and what I work for is that she never has to "re-examine" her life, because her adoptive history will have always been a part of it. She will likely have some "re-visiting" when she shares with L her growing up, but I don't want her to feel like she lived a "fake" life.

For adults, this movie's reaction isn't necesarilly alarming, especially with the set up of not knowing about the adoption until adulthood. And certainly as the film progresses and he learns about his first mother, searches for the identity of his father, and yet embraces and loves his adoptive mother continually - it is an integrated and lovely story. But those first 10 minutes. And 10 minutes is all we had tonight.

It's almost as bad as the Lilo and Stitch movie (which I DON'T let her watch the original, only the tv cartoons) That one had me up in arms. A DISNEY cartoon, where the social service CPS worker is the bad guy, and repeatedly threatens to remove the child from her sister's care after. Who in the world thought that was appropriate for children!!!

Common Ground

2006-08-29T05:42:00.000-07:00

This post is one of those things where I think adoptive and first mothers often share the same or similar thoughts, but may not know it.

I HATE it when I hear someone say a child is or was unwanted. It raises my shackles for about my daughter because, I KNOW she is loved and wanted with the deepest love by TWO women, at least and has many many more people in her life who would lay down their own for her sake. My daughter was not unwanted. For whatever reasons, she could not be protected in the family she was born to, and MANY people sacrificed to make sure she was safe. Love and Wanted were never in question.

And without trying to minimize anyone's pain over loss -there is still truth --- I WANT and WANTED her VERY MUCH. She is my Joy. She is a unique individual whose very existence blesses this world and this family.

But besides that, and not wanting to get to far into the whole abortion issue, because I know that is an area inside and outside of adoption communities that is likely to start flames (no flaming here please) - No CHILD is unwanted. They were born. The mother and even more so, God - the creator of the universe, the One who knits us together in our mother's wombs - WANTS us.

It is a huge pet peeve of mine. And I wanted to just share that. Comments were closed on the original poster, which makes me think she did not want to start something, I am unaware was likely to trigger. So please be kind if you comment here, to both of us. We are often coming to this journey from vastly different points of view, but we are both Mama Bears protecting cubs. That is our common ground.

Conversations

2006-08-20T13:33:00.000-07:00

On the way back from K-Mart looking for a cooler,

from the back seat...

"Mom, do you think adopted is the best thing ever?"

me: Well, adoption..
BJ: No, adoptED
me: I think adoption has some happy things and some sad things.
BJ: What is the sad thing.
me: The sad thing is that you don't have L, and the happy thing is that you do have our family. And hopefully some day that you will have both. It is sad that L was so sick.
BJ: I never got to see her.
Me: We are going to send her a picture of you at Christmas and tell her we would really like to hear from her.
BJ: But that won't work!
Me: I don't know. I don't know if your first mother is still sick or not.
BJ: But you are my second mother, you are not my real mom.
Me: Well, I think we are both your real moms. We just have different parts of your life. I am your adoptive mom, or just mom.
BJ: Do I still have the drugs in me?
Me: No.
BJ: But I thought I had them in me.
Me: Yes, you did, but the doctors gave you medicine to get it out and then asked the social workers to take care of you until they could figure out what to do.
BJ: Did I have Pneumonia?
Me: Yes, but that was months later when you were a baby and had been in our family for awhile.
BJ: Did anyone else in our family have Pnuemonia?
Me: I did but I didn't know it for awhile. I was getting sick a lot while taking care of you, but I didn't know I had caught it for several months.
Me: But going back to your question, being adopted is just one piece of who you are, an important part - but it is not ALL of you.
BJ: Not just a piece! It is all of me!
Me: Aren't you also a girl who likes to ride her bike, who is smart, and funny, a (our last name)girl (we used to say - last name girls are smart!strong!fun!).
BJ - yes. I like to rollerskate too.
Me: I think of it like your name. Your name (B) is you, and dad and I gave you that name and your middle name (J) is you and L gave you that name. You are both.

Crazy

2006-08-20T13:32:00.000-07:00

I spent about 5 hours late last night trolling My Space for L, or anyone from her highschool or her town. Every person named L, I searched for clues - in their life, and looking into their faces, for traces of my daughter.

as an aside.. I don't really understand MySpace.

a different conversation

2006-08-06T15:10:00.000-07:00

One morning this week, when I was late getting into work and BJ was already at day camp, dh said I want to talk to you about something. He was very serious.

It turns out one of the young women who work at the summer camp approached him as he picked BJ up earlier that week. She said, without preface, "Is BJ adopted". DH was taken off guard and uncomfortable. He stuttered a bit and said "yes." The woman responded with something along the lines of "wow, she looks so much like you". DH did not ask what brought it up or why she asked."

DH is not terribly comfortable talking about adoption. He knows BJ and I do, and only recently BJ has become more comfortable talking about it in front of DH. He says - I just don't think of her as an "adopted daughter", she is just daughter, and the rest is no one else's business.

So, DH was worried about why BJ would have announced it at camp, and even more so that she would be teased by other kids. He wanted to ask BJ about it but didn't want to say something to make her feel bad.

So, I took a breath and as non-confrontationally as I could, I said. Well, the last thing we want to do is make BJ feel like that she did something wrong or that there is anything shameful about being adopted. He said, No.. no.. of course not. But what was said?

I responded that BJ had told me that two of the women are pregnant. I would guess that something was said about a baby in the tummy and BJ said something about being in her first mother's tummy or not being in mine. DH nodded at that.

I said, or she is testing the waters with the kids to see what reaction she gets.

He was still not comfortable going back to the teasing possibility. I reiterated that it is her story to tell or not, and she has to test somewhere. He can talk with her about it, but to be casual and just ask - don't question her. He said he would feel more comfortable if all three of us talked about it. I said that if we all sat down to a family meeting to talk about the fact that she mentioned adoption at camp, it doesn't matter what we say, the subtext is that it is a big deal and not OK.

I summed up by just saying... you are uncomfortable. And he said yes. And the fact I said it without sounding judgemental seemed to help. Just owning up to the fact that he doesn't want to discuss the adoption with acquaintances.

I mentioned that BJ brings up the "I never got to see her" a lot and that we need to do what we can before the teen years to contact L. He said, Oh I don't mind about talking with L about it, or family - but others I don't like - and when she is a teen, she can handle other kids (I think he has forgotten what it was like to be a teen).

We ended with me agreeing to gently see if I could find out how it came up at camp. I asked a few generic questions like, so what kinds of things do you talk about at camp and I got quite a teen sounding response out of my seven year old: "why, why do you want to know," and I let it go, because really if that question triggered a sense of privacy, there is no way I can get to something that was said a week ago in a context I have no way to enter into the conversation.

Plus, again - its hers to tell or not, and while I hope she chooses trustworthy people to share anything personal in her heart, it is my job to be there to pick up the pieces if someone is cruel and she has to learn by experience that people say stupid things. She has to learn who to trust sometime, and she has gotten teased on regular kid no real reason stuff enough to know that teasing happens.

So... DH's feelings about it aren't something I am really comfortable with myself. But telling him his feelings are wrong wouldn't move him along the spectrum. He is much more conservative about adoption than he was when we were going through the process with the county. But I wonder if it isn't sort of OK for dad's. I mean, I love my daughter and my embracing of her full history and connections to L doesn't mean I see her as any less my daughter. But in that daddy=daughter adoration, wouldn't it feel comforting that none of it all mattered to him or was on his radar. That you just are who you are, and in his mind, that is his beloved daughter? It just seems like its different with moms/daughters. If you turn a blind eye or even just overlook something important, it IS denying or hiding it. The subtext between moms and daughters is so huge. If daddy does it, its just because he is dad.

Or am I justifying for him?

First Mother

2006-07-29T12:04:00.000-07:00

Talk about L is coming easier and more frequently now from BJ. The other night at dinner she looked up at her father and I and said.."When I was in my first mother's tummy, did I have gills?".

Last night after a discussion about whether or not another job opportunity might cause us to move back from where we left last summer, BJ said.. why can't we move back to (city where she was born)? I know she doesn't remember that place. I asked her why she would want to go there, what does she remember from (city)? She said some very vague things like I had friends, I went to preschool.

So I said. L doesn't live there anymore. "Who is L?" Your first mother. Oh. She doesn't? Why?

"She moved back to where she grew up.... Is that why you wanted to move back there?"

BJ said softly from the back seat (its always the car, I tell ya) - I never got to see her.

My response was - hopefully honey someday you will.

Oh please Lord, hopefully someday.

On another note, I am so pleased that the increase in discussion about L hasn't seemed to create much distress for BJ interms of her feelings about our family. Other than one or two articulations dealing with initial confusion, she seems to be comfortable expressing sadness and desire of L in one breath and affection and love for me in another. They don't seem linked or guilt reactions. Both just genuine expressions as they pour out of her. I feel full of joy when I see how comfortable she is in her emotions and how loving a child she is. My BJ is articulate, a little bit wild, a lot of fun, high energy, her own person, extremely caring and helpful..and I am beginning to have faith that she is also well on the road to a healthy self image that fully incorporates her adoption and history but does not define herself by it.

I do think that the repetition of "I never got to see her" is a message to me that before she hits the teen years, she is going to need to see L if at all possible. I figure I have about 3-4 years to take our time and do it gentle. After that it is going to get critical.

I think we are going to send a Christmas Card. That can't invade anyone's privacy can it? The most nosy anyone could say if they saw it is-- who is this? or wow - that kid looks like you? Who is it?

Wondering

2006-07-16T21:38:00.000-07:00

We just celebrated BJ's birthday. The first since I actually tried to make contact with L. I wondered if I would hear something back now. It has been almost four months. We didn't. It's OK. But it is interesting to find myself wondering at each milestone, if this will be the trigger for a response.

PS - thanks for the kind comments ladies. This has really been a place to process, but am also using it now as a record of conversations. Obviously there is much more that happens in our lives, but this blog focuses on recording and writing through this aspect of our lives and selves. It does help to know that there are people who will support, gently provide perspective, ask questions, as I do this in a semi-public forum. (never could be as diligent in a paper journal -isn't that odd?)

Yes, we need this record

2006-07-16T08:10:00.000-07:00

A few weeks ago, before my home computer died, BJ and I were going through a drive through window in the car. (I tell you, its always in the car - lol). She said to me, mom... you know my real mom... I mean... you are my real mom... but you know..; the other...

I know she didn't see my face, so I am sure her editing her use of "real" mom wasn't in reaction to me, even though I don't think I reacted. Internally, I had maybe a twinge - but it wasn't intense. She was struggling so I helped... I just said ... L? and she said - yes, L.. and went on with what she wanted to ask me.

I know I need this blog as a record of our journey now, because this was 3 weeks to a month ago and I remember that she struggled over "real", but I can't remember what it was she wanted to say or ask that she brought it up herself. I wish I had written it down, but I sense it was anticlimatic or something we had talked about before, or not really about L... I don't remember.

Friday, we were on a plane and BJ leaned into me and said... "how did you get me?" I was distracted and said - get you where? She said, how did my first mother get me to you? I said she went to a social worker who had lots of families and the social worker picked us to be your family. That was the end of the conversation. She was satisfied. A week before we had been at the home of friends of some extended family members. They had adopted their son from foster care when he was 4 and he is now 11. He was talking about the security gate at the courhourse the day the adoption was finalized and how we wasn't going to let them take a stuffed bunny he had. BJ didn't say anything, but later that night I asked her how it felt when N was talking about his adoption. BJ said "weird". Then later she said - "how was I adopted" I told her we went to a judge too, and you wore a polkadot dress, that I have in my hope chest. BJ said- oh, we have the tinkerbell outfit there too (that she wore when she was two).

Yesterday, we were walking across a park and there was a sand volleyball game going on. BJ and I were holding hands and eating snow cones. It had been a fantastic morning- very special, one on one time. We had been talking about her playing soccer in the fall and gymnastics in the spring. Trying to find the sport she loves. She had asked about volleyball last year, but you have to be in 4th grade where we live. I saw the volleyball game ahead of us and I said.. "L loves sand volleyball." A pause, then I said, I know you wanted to try volleyball, but we have to wait till 4th grade. BJ said. I don't want to play volleyball. Very tight lipped. I don't know if it was because she wants to play soccer and is tired of me putting other options in front of her (I don't like soccer), or she felt pulled between wanting to identify with L during this very intense close morning we had (she had actually hugged me earlier in the morning and said something she has never said before... I love you more than...daddy!... of course I responded that she doesn't need to choose between us -she can love us both!...

Anyway - I want to remember these details because the last few weeks are the first times BJ has brought up adoption or L questions on her own without it being tied to emotional vetting. She is picking up on my casual tone, or testing if it is OK really, or maybe just is feeling more confident.

I want her to have this record too when she is older of how she integrates this.

Oh, when I told her about L loves sand volleyball... she did say - "who is L". I paused as some strangers passed by, and then said your birthmother... then I corrected myself and said firstmother.. I asked BJ - do you like firstmother better (since she had used that term on the plane for the first time) BJ just smiled and nodded her head.

We are getting through this, her and I.

Two or three times this month she has said something about sisters and I feel it on the tip of my tongue to tell her about her bio half brothers. I just don't know if that will be hurtful to her right now... I want her to know sooner than later, but I want her to digest "L" first, I want to find that right age/stage where she can be old enough to understand, but young enough where it is not a huge reveleation....praying. God knows the right moment.

The Trigger

2006-06-11T06:50:00.000-07:00

In my post below, I say that the conversation started somewhat out of the blue. When DH heard what BJ had to say, he responded that she could always talk to him about how she feels on anything. He also said to the not talking about it part that he didn't ever talk about it because he doesn't think about it. She is his daughter. That is all he thinks, not qualified by adoption.

If I took that position (while of course I don't see her as less my daughter than one born to me) it would be dangerous. But I wonder if it isn't sort of reassuring coming from a Dad. I am doing everything I can to make sure she incorporates and includes her whole ...whole.. whole... history, ancestory, future...and what is not here now -- without making it sound like our family is a bad thing. All of this without damaging her sense of security and permanance in this little threesome of a family.

Anyway, God Bless him, as he tried to keep it casual and not say it wasn't OK, his final question before we all went to bed was... How did this come up?

So sleeping last night that was on my mind. Everyone's feelings. Did I put words in BJ's mouth? I am a saying too much?, Too little?

And then it hit me. I did say something earlier in the day that probably contributed. I don't regret it, and I think BJ's feelings were there underneath all along.

If you have read here long, you probably guess that I am pretty straightforward with my daughter, not talking to her about tough subjects in a baby way. I may walk the line of age appropriate and always keep that in mind, but generally I make that decision on where to stop talking, not on changing how I say it.

I am like that with other life things too. In terms of body functions, I get pretty clinical and answer generally only what is asked or as long as it still gets questions.

Yesterday morning I was in the restroom. BJ walked in. I had just started my period and got up to get some sanitary items. She asked again what a period was and why there was blood. I explained it isn't blood like when you cut yourself, but the lining of the uterus where a baby grows. That each month it cleans itself out and since it comes from inside of our body it is like blood. She asked if it was all the time. I told her it was once a month starting when you are almost a teenager. She said - really - everybody? I said all girls, yes. Then I said - some kids start as young as nine, I started mine when I was 11, but L started hers when she was 14.

(yes, I know how lucky I am to have that detailed of a medical history - L worked in medical profession so was probably very clued in to how important medical history is - it is the most complete of any of the pieces of info on her or the family that I have)

So, I said, you will probably start later than some of your friends. Why?, BJ asked. Because when you start menstruating is very tied to genetics - the physical relation to your mother. You are likely to be similar to her in when you start.

Then DH walked in the bathroom (we were all waking up in the morning, we don't generally hang out or have major family discussions in the bathroom - actually those really do tend to happen in the car).

We stopped talking. Mostly because it was about menstruation, not because we were talking about L. He doesn't have a problem with my openness, but he is squeamish about some of that stuff.

So, in context -- that intimate of a connection would lead one to think about missing and not having ever seen someone who is so connected to you that your own body does what theirs does.

I am thankful for the medical history. I really want a photo. BJ really wants to see her. While I feel this compelling need to give her time to respond to my first outreach, I doubt we will make it all the way to next spring (giving her a year to respond) before contacting White Oak for another attempt.

DH was OK with the first note. Now that he knows that BJ wants to see her (did BJ actually tell him that, now that I think about it she only told him she misses L - but she did tell me) - it will be interesting to see how he feels about it. It is so much more formal.

And boy - my extended family will never understand this at this age. I am pretty sure that they would follow my lead of accepting and embracing L as BJ is older, but right now I am pretty sure they will think I am nuts.

All I really care about in regards to a visit is that she is clean (no drugs). But for letters and photos, I want that regardless of the situation. But face in the reality. Letters and photos is not what BJ wants. She wants to see her. She doesn't want to see her today (fear?) but she wants to see her in what is an almost seven year olds near time and concrete time frame (third, fourth or fifth grade). BJ starts second grade in the fall. I also wonder if she sees third-fifth grade as a big kid, able to handle fear? Or is she astute enough to know that third/fourth /fifth gradei s nine years to eleven years old, and somehow needs to see her as her body changes?

I am digressing now, but a few weeks ago BJ started talking about her "flat" nose and how she hates it. We of course tell her she is beautiful, that her nose has a heart on it (the nostril shape) and we love it. I don't know if a kid said something. BJs eyes are a little far apart and the far eyes and lack of a bridge for her nose is slightly similar to fetal alcohol effects. But like the few minor issues that BJ faces, she is blessed that they are so minor that one can never say for sure if it is caused by the drugs in her system at birth, or if it just is within the lower range of normal. She is a beautiful child (inside and out). I think if I had photo of L, and if her nose is flat (which would mean it isn't FAE, which BJ has no concept of) then maybe she wouldn't be dealing with such self image issues so young. We don't know where it came from, except she did say I want a nose like yours, to me. So I know she is doing the comparing thing. But she is so frequent and adamant about her nose in particular, I think she must have gotten teased about it.

"I miss my birthmother" **

2006-06-10T21:06:00.000-07:00

BJ asked me again, somewhat out of the blue,
after I said to her - "I love you so much, you are the joy of my life, I don't know what I would do without you." about what would happen if I die. This has been going on for about six months. Since about the time she stopped asking me if L was dead.

Me: "Honey, are you thinking that I might die and not be with you because L is not with you?"
BJ: "Yes".

We had quite a conversation, and thinking back just a couple hours ago, I don't remember it word for word and how we moved in between the assurances that I wasn't going to die and her feelings about adoption. But here are a few of the parts that stand out for me as integral.

It was the first time BJ actually sat down and shared some emotion. She crawled into my lap and just cried and cried. "I miss my birthmother, I never got to see her." I held her and rocked her.

"BJ, I promise you that I will help you find her someday."
"Mom, when I am in third or fourth or fifth grade, I want to visit her."

"Honey, I don't know if she is well now, or not. I sent her a note and gave her our email. I don't know if she got it or if she is really just so sad at not having been able to take care of a baby that she misses you too much. Have you ever been so sad about something you just couldn't think about it?" "I don't know if she is too sad to be friends with me, since I get to be your mom."

BJ: "why would she have to be YOUR friend?"
Me: "well, she would have to talk with me to set up so we could visit her."
BJ: Oh

At one point she stumbled over the word birthmother and said I don't know. I said "well, some people don't use birthmother, and I don't know what L would want. We can just call her L, or some people say first mother. What do you want?" BJ said "birthmother". This is the first time we have discussed this, so I am not sure why she attached to that word. She may change her mind she asked me later in the conversation what birthmother meant and we talked about the mother that gave birth to you and we sort of veered into why I never had a baby in my tummy.

I said "I am very happy that you are my daughter, and I love all of you. That means part of our family has some sad things in it and some happy things. The sad part is that you couldn't be with L, that she couldn't take care of a baby and she wanted a mom and dad to keep you safe."

"Is that OK with you - to be both happy and sad about it"
BJ: Yes.

"So, right now you have this family and someday you will meet L. And you know, if she got better and doesn't have all those bad drugs anymore that made her do things that weren't safe, if she is better someday and gets married and has kids, you know those kids would be your brothers and sisters just like if Daddy and I had more kids. (trying to lay groundwork here for the big news, see post below) - so you will have two families."

BJ: Two mothers. A birthmother and a regular mother.

Somewhere in there BJ said of L (with distress) - she did bad drugs, she is probably dead already. I told her that she is not dead and I sent her the letter. This too is a balancing act for me. I want to give BJ some info so that she doesn't get that common adoptee misthinking that something was wrong with her and that is why she was taken from L s custody and subsequently placed for adoption. But I only know the medical reports, the tox screen reports and the court reports about the drug abuse. I don't know the back story of the addiction and why L didn't have the support of her family. I also don't want the drugs to be the most salient thing BJ knows about L and then that lead BJ to experiment as a teen as some painful way to try and connect and be like her. I want BJ to know more than just that she is/was sick. Separate from adoption, we like most parents I guess, tell her that drugs are very bad and she should never smoke, drink, do drugs etc. We role play peer pressure and how to stand up for what you believe. It may seem strong with a six year old, but when people I know were hooked by the time they were 9 years old.... Anyway -we are so strong against drugs, I don't want that to get messed up with messages about L. So I told her outright tonight. Listen to me, just because L was really sick with the bad drugs, so sick she couldnt stop or take care of herself or a baby, that doesn't mean she is a bad person. She loves you very much and didn't want you to be hurt.

We decided that next spring if we haven't heard back from L, we will contact white oak to help us contact L and tell her that BJ wants to see her and ask her for a picture and give L a picture of BJ.

I was surprised BJ wanted to wait until "almost third grade" after she had just weeped in my arms about not seeing her.

After she said this, I told her that L might have thought that she would see BJ when she was 18 because that is how most people do it. I told her I wouldn't make her wait until then, but I can't control if we actually see her. (I didn't go into the whole CPS and removal and might not want to stuff..) It is always a guess with just how far to go here, not wanting to promise what I can't deliver. Not wanting to set her up for that fear that our situation could end up like some adoptees I read, like Mia with her E.

Somehow we moved from me telling her that she is connected to L's family by her blood and her body and connected to this family by law and our hearts. And she said something I can't remember and I was talking about how it is all part of her and I love all of her and it is her story. It must of been my use of the word story.

She said - "I don't want to tell anybody!!!" with anguish. I told her she doesn't have to, she can tell whoever she wants whenever she wants and she said she didn't want anyone to know. She asked me if I told people. I told her I don't talk about our adoption story much, because it is hers to decide who, but that some of my friends knew and I named the mother of her best friend in the state in which we used to live. She freaked on me a bit - saying does S know?! (her friend) I said no. She said "good!" I don't want anyone to know.

I feel a little weird about that. I understand her not wanting to tell every kid at school when she is just figuring it out. But it surprises me that her closest friends knowing is such a big deal.

As we got out of the parked car (why do these things always happen in the car?) she said - I want to tell Daddy. I said, you can talk to Daddy about anything you want, but Daddy knows about L too honey.

She called him at work and told him she was going to wait up for him to get home because she had something she wanted to tell him. She told him she missed her birthmother and that she doesn't want anyone to know she is adopted.

That sounds like some internal conflict for sure.
Any adult adoptees who read, I especially appreciate your thoughts on all of this. If you care to share how you integrated all this into your sense of self.

I think I am doing this right. I know I am doing the best I can. I strongly believe that if nothing else was accomplished tonight, or among any wrong steps - at least now I know for sure, that BJ knows she can share her pain with me, and that I don't lessen or feel a threat to the joy of our family by acknowledging the loss of L in her life. I am very grateful for those tears, if that makes sense. But boy, tonight sure feels like the stumbling along in the parenting journey.

I guess we will only know, when BJ is grown up and she can tell us what was helpful and what was not.

**disclaimer - I use the word birthmother here not to hurt or offend. In fact on others blogs and in my own private thoughts I do find myself using it less and less. But it is what I have used when talking to BJ throughout her life, having not known until recently that is was offensive after placement (a good friend /amom -I met online some years ago used to repeat constantly to adoptive and prospective adoptive parents that an expectant mother is not a birthmother unless she actually places a child for adoption, considering adoption while pregnant or even "matching" does not make her a birthmother - so I clued into that part of it). I think we laid some groundwork for finding new terms. But because it is indeed the word we used in discussion, and because first and foremost this is a record of a journey and a "sorting out" for me and BJ, I didn't feel it was honest to change the word on the blog.

Also, re-reading this it sounds as if I was saying that BJ will only have both families later. I don't think, and hope that is not what I conveyed to her. Both families are real now, and I want her to know that. I just don't know at what point she will actually be able to meet and know L and her family and it is more realistic to me that only later will she fully participate in both families.

Gifts

2006-05-23T18:56:00.000-07:00

I have been an internet sleuth again.

I was able to confirm that L did indeed have a second child one year after BJ was born. I have his name and birthdate. There was also a third child. She is raising both of them.

I am glad to know this, and it gives me understanding of why I might not hear from her for awhile. But it also gives me pause. This is a relationship I KNOW BJ would want to have, even now - and I can't get that for her. Not yet.

And I can't keep this information from BJ, but I don't know when is the right time to introduce it and how. She will be very upset and really beg to see them and I will have to tell her we can't. If I had known before it could have maybe been casually introduced. But at this point - it is a revelation. No way around it.

I would really like to have a photo of them for her. I want a photo of L for BJ, but also for me.
So, I am sitting with it. It raises more questions in my mind than it answers. But in a really strange way it also makes me OK with not hearing right away. Or rather, more empathetic about not hearing right away.

So the plan. Wait patiently and hope. Continue to think and talk to those who have walked this path about how and when to share this info with BJ. And as soon as BJ asks me to find L, I call an intermediary and we show up. Right now, I am driving this process and I feel it would be unconcienable to just descend on L and her family not knowing if she has even told them about BJ. I have no right to be the trigger of her WTF moment, if that hasn't happened yet - or to break any privacy she may have.

While I don't want to hurt L, when BJ understands and wants contact, then I am willing to take more risks on L's behalf.

But the info is a gift. I treasure any bit I can get. It goes in a file for BJ, for the day I gift it to her.

Photos are a dream.

To L

2006-05-14T12:52:00.000-07:00

I am thinking about you today. Can I wish you a happy Mother's day?

I want to acknowledge that I have a mother's day today because of you; You gave life to the child I love, you protected that child in the only way you knew how. This beauty and miracle of a little girl belongs to neither of us, but is a gift to you and me and the world from our God. I am thankful everyday for her in my life.

I want you to know how wonderful she is; healthy, happy, spunky, smart, loving and funny.

I hope that your day has joy in it today. I wonder about your little boy and hope your day has the joy and fullness of him .

I wonder if it will be on a Mothers day that you reach back to us.

I wonder if someday, we will be able to feel a connection on this day - If we can celebrate together the joy of this girl and how she makes both of us Mother's today.

I admit, I find it easier to think of how our lives will intersect when she is an adult, even as I hope and long for some contact now. But today I look to the future when our girl has her own child and she gets calls from both of her mother's to wish her Happy Mother's day.

What I didn't Say

2006-05-07T18:20:00.000-07:00

Tonight is a night of realizations, and now regret.

I visited the Soul of Adoption board tonight for the first time. I was reading about an adoptive mom who was struggling about contacting a birthmother where the situation was also similar to mine. The child was removed from the mother's custody by CPS. She spoke of trying to figure out what to say. People gave her some suggestions.

It hit me. In my effort to keep my note brief, positive and mostly vague enought that L would know who was writing her and why but that anyone else who might accidently read it wouldn't be able to know that L had placed a child for adoption (at the time of the adoption she had not told her parents of the pregnancy), I had only said what I wanted about contact.

I never told her that BJ was well.

How could I have forgotten that? I am sure I could have referenced it without giving up the "note from a friend" feel to it.

On Pain

2006-05-07T15:53:00.000-07:00

I was reading a first mother's blog today where she posted photos of her girls, the one she is raising and the one she is not. I had read much of her story but the photos hit me in a new way today.

I saw the little girl she placed for adoption. My first though, oh how beautiful she is. My second thought, Wow, how much she looks like N. My third thought stopped me cold.

Oh My, it would KILL me to see her.
So young - so much a fit into her own family.

It would KILL me. And this is exactly what it would be like for L. Our children so close in age (if it was her that had the little boy a year later), If her life is in a different place than it was.
.
Did I do the right thing? I think so. It is not my choice if she should see photos of BJ. More so if we visit.

But - My, God, My God - How does one survive this. I know not all who read here share my faith, but I don't know how a pain like that could be survived without holding on to God. It would be horrific enough, knowing it will somehow work together to Glorify him. Without that knowledge - I don't think I could see her.

But the other side - is it any better? Not knowing. Wondering. Missing and longing without the concreteness of a touch, a smell, a smile?.

Maybe that is why some choose photos only.

Once again I am rambling. But the beauty in that little girl's eyes made me weep for L.

BJ is OK, will be OK. Even if we meet, even if she weeps for saying goodbye to L at the end of the day. BJ knows our love, and love from L would primarily be gain, even if it is tinged with sadness. That acknowledgement of loss is already there, as BJ says - "but I never saw her" and doesn't want to talk about her and says she doesn't want to see her photo even if I get it. But I know my child, she will be glad to know we have it - to know she can see it when she wants.

But for L - what does she get out of my offer of contact. Nothing but more pain. Well, maybe a little bit of confirmation that BJ is safe, loved, happy, smart, healthy.

I am glad it is not my decision. Wow.

And all this from a photograph.

Maybe because it is so close to our situation. BJ begs for a brother or sister. I know that is not going to happen. We won't adopt again, except for a very rare situation. I never really wanted to pursue medical stuff and now I am 37.

BJ might already have a brother. I would love for her to know him. But again - what that would cost L. Oh my. The pain of seeing it. Of knowing - I got clean for him, I could have done it for her.

But even there, I am projecting. I don't know. I don't know if she is the one who gave birth to that little baby boy. I don't know if she has conquered her addiction. I don't know her family situation. I don't know.

I would like to know. But not at the cost of her pain being magnified.

It is her decision.

And all my anxiety about time is gone. Who but our God, for L does share my faith, knows. He knows when BJ and L will be ready for each other.

I pray he gives me the strength to look with love into the face of her pain.

This adoption, this making of our family was the making of joy (for us) out of a bad situation. A woman suffering in addiction undoubtedly facing a great deal of pain even before the pregnancy, fails to provide safety for the newborn. She decides to relinquish the child to adoption. Did she diminish pain for BJ? Probably she removed a great deal of risk for her, at least for a time. And L will pay for that choice, and I will benefit from it.

From here I can only be thankful for the blessing and wonder that is this child, try not to make further pain for L, and work to ensure that a day will come where BJ will have the fullness of all her life has for her. I pray that someday that will mean two families to love and embrace her.
And I still pray that the pain of all this will be protected from BJ until she is mature enough to understand it. That doesn't mean hiding the facts of who she is from her. I mean the woman to woman issues of grieving, loss, and dying to yourself to save your child, even from yourself when you in the midst of a losing battle and desperately trying to win the war. When victory feels like defeat every day of the rest of your life.

Hope and Resignation

2006-04-14T05:17:00.000-07:00

Still no word. While I have a glimmer of hope in the back of my head that Easter might bring some acknowledgement, I am sort of settling into resignation that if I didn't hear right away it probably means she is not ready and I won't hear for months or years.

She should have received my note by now.

2006-04-08T18:40:00.000-07:00

I am thinking about her constantly.

Did she read it in shock? Did she stick it in a drawer? Is she scared? Is she thinking of responding? Does she have anyone to talk to about it? Is she hurting? Does she believe its real or is she wondering if it is a scam? Will she be angry I found her?

Will it be days, weeks, months, or years before I hear something.

If she does respond, how will we prove our identities to each other?

Letter Sent

2006-04-04T15:32:00.000-07:00

Hubby put the card in the mail today.

Now the waiting begins.

A Hope and a Prayer

2006-04-02T05:37:00.000-07:00

When an adopted person is permitted and encouraged to search for his genetic connections, for his origins, a paradox occurs: he may well end up realizing that he rightfully belongs in two places,

Yes, Yes, Yes! This is why the search, the risk.

Dear Lord, please let it be that BJ always feels she belongs, two connections. Please protect her and never let it be that she feels she doesn't belong anywhere. Heal and protect all of our hearts. Lord I am afraid of being met with anger this morning. Take away fear and let us all focus on your Grace that you may provide the blessing of peace on BJ's developing sense of self-identity. May BJ, L, and I always know that ultimately we belong to you. This life is temporary and you are forever. Bless all five of us in this situation Lord, by letting your Love be the guiding of force of this outreach and relationship. Amen

Loss

2006-04-02T01:57:00.000-08:00

I am facing the imminent death of a family member this weekend. It is someone very close to me, but it has been coming for a long time.

The waves of grief are hitting me stronger than I expected considering the situation. Part of that is that for the first time, I live so far away. I wonder though if the intense weepiness and lack of being able to move I feel (instead of the frustration and distance I expected to feel) isn't magnified at least in some small way by all the reflecting I have done on separation lately in searching for L.

In-Laws

2006-04-02T01:48:00.000-08:00

I wrote that to someone this week, and hearing it come out of my mouth, I heard the truth of it.

As I get ready to drop a note in the mail to L, but try to restrain myself at least until I talk to an intermediary on Monday, I am thinking about what I want from this a lot.

I have a pretty clear picture of what I am hoping for:

1. A quick response (I want her to take as much time as she needs, and hope I am not triggering more pain, but you know, I also hope I hear back soon).

2. The ability to initially send photos of BJ and a newsy letter about her life.

3. A photo of L.

4. Ongoing email contact.

And eventually what do I want the relationship to be -

When BJ is grown I hope she has a healthy and close knit relationship with L, but I guess I sort of expect to have my own relationship with L. Because BJ is so much the joy and center of my life, I feel connected to L. This woman I know so little about - only a few sheets of paper. But it is like growing up knowing about my (half) sisters living a continent away. I didn't know them, but inherently knew they were a part of me. It is the same way I feel about L.

I picture it like an in-laws who get along relationship. The relationship is there - the contact doesn't have to depend on BJ being "in the middle" or present at every situation. But the relationship certainly exists because of and to support BJ. Two separate families that join because of mutual love for the grown children.

That is what I hope to be laying the groundwork for.

Plus, I can't get past - I really want to see what L. looks like.

More (adoption) Conversations with a six year old.

2006-03-30T15:51:00.000-08:00

BJ: Mom, what is arthritis?

Mar: It is a disease where your bones and joints hurt.

BJ: Is that what you have mom?

Mar: Yes.

BJ: Will I get arthritis?

Mar: Probably not honey, it doesn't run in your birthmother's family - that is good for you. Mammaw (grandmother)'s mother had it really bad in her hands and that is why she is so careful to eat right and excercise so she doesn't get it when she gets old.

BJ: But Mammaw still likes to have fun with me!

Mar: Yes She does?

BJ: Mom, do you have a birthmother?

Mar: No.

BJ: Why?

Mar. I was born to Grandma. A birthmother is when a lady has a baby , but she can't take care of a baby so she finds a mom and a dad for the baby. That's what adoption is.

Mar: So you get to have both a mom and a birthmother.

BJ: smile. Can she come live with us?

Mar: Well, she has her own place to live; plus she had a lot of problems with drugs and alcohol and her life was really messed up. That was why she couldn't take care of a baby. I really hope that she has been able to get some help and get better. I am sure by the time you are grown up she will be fine and you will be able to know her and we can all do things together if you want.

BJ: But you still won't like rollercoasters.

Mar: You are right, I don't like rollercoasters. But Daddy does, and maybe L does too - who knows. Then you would have two people to go on roller coasters with!

Mar: I am to find a place to send her a letter. Maybe we can get a picture and eventually find out if she likes rollercoasters.

BJ: Can we go to Toys R Us ?

Nerves

2006-03-28T12:57:00.000-08:00

I went to Target today to buy a card to write my note to L in. Every card I picked up, I questioned and put back. Thank you card, deffinately not. A card that said Hello in several languages on the outside, the inside said only "How are you?" But I felt that might be to familiar. A 'blank' card with a boquet of flowers - looked to much like get well. A single sunflower - very pretty - but did the single flower seem like I was saying she was alone?

Definately way to nervous, though trying to be sensitive. I put them all back. I couldn't find even just a design like stripes and colors that was blank - they all said thankyou or missing you or something on them.

I almost walked away and then worried that I was chickening out, I made myself pick one.

It is a sunflower with gentle sunlight shining on it and a sort of artsy border around it. It is blank inside.

I also called the agency to make sure they had our current address in case L contacts them requesting photos.

I have my message written in my head, it is very short because I am really afraid of the wrong person getting it since I don't know for sure if the address I have is current.

Deep Breath. Here goes.

My Motives

2006-03-26T15:03:00.000-08:00

I adopted because I wanted to have a child. I wanted to be a mom.

I didn't adopt because I was seeking to 'save' someone or do good in the world, though I still get people thinking that is why we went through Child Protective Services.

A lot of the folks working for adoption reform talk about legal guardianship. So, I asked myself how I felt about that; what circumstances would I accept a legal guardianship.

If a family member or someone I cared about deeply needed it until they could get things worked out - I would consider it. I can even name times where hubby and I discussed that if this child or that ever needed it, we would tell the parents the child could stay or live with us.

But would I have sought a legal guardianship through social services or an agency if adoption did not exist or if it was a common alternative?

No, I don't think so.

When I wanted to adopt, I wanted to be a mom. While I was open to a child that was not an infant, and if I wanted to adopt again (which I don't), I would consider an older child - I do not want to face the possibility that the child might be taken from me.

I think that women who have placed a child for adoption might understand that more than anyone. Not wanting to lose the child you love. Wanting the surety that they will be with you through adulthood. Though, I know for some this will just confirm what they see as the "predatory" nature of adoptive parents.

I think reform is required. I think adoption has turned into an industry. I am shocked and appalled at what I have read about babies in other countries being stolen and sold to orphanages who are now making great profit because of parents wanting to adopt. I think that should stop people from adopting internationally. Even though the stigma of signle parenting is gone from society, it seems that once a woman even considers adoption that a well oiled machine takes over and preys on any influence to steer her down that path. Many times with coercion and shame. There are horrendous amoral and illegal things done to women who dared to consider adoption and then decide to parent. Just last month a woman who decided to parent was evicted from the apartment paid for via an adoption attorney by adoptive parents only 4 days after birth. Social services then took the baby and the woman's four year old daughter because she was homeless. HELLO? Where was the outrage? Where was the human rights community? How can you be evicted in 4 days for not being able to pay your rent? What about the rest of the month? How was she evicted? You can't get an eviction order that fast. Why wasn't the rent paid for her at least till the end of the month?

I know I couldn't in good conscience do a private adoption now. I would probably end up talking the woman out of the adoption.

But here is the thing. I don't regret adopting my daughter. I love her with my whole being. And if I had contact with L and found out she regretted it. Or that she wasn't treated fairly. I would regret that, I would hurt for her. But even if she had her life together and could prove it beyond doubt. I couldn't and wouldn't give custody of BJ back to her. I don't have guardianship of BJ, she is my daughter and I am her mom. Nothing can change that in my heart.

If I had guardianship of a child, there is the expectation all along that it is not permanent. That is perhaps why some think it should be the answer. For women who were coerced into "the permanent solution to a temporary problem" would benefit from guardianship. Especially the situation where a woman is trying to keep a child safe. Perhaps, guardianship should be a required option to be discussed with a woman in a crisis pregnancy. But if she is already out of contact or not being supported by her friends and family, I wonder how easy it would be to find someone for that situation.

I have gotten off track in this post and in this blog. I started it to tell my story, not others, and to process how I feel about my family and our situation. But I also started it because reading others stories encouraged me to do this. So, I guess I will still post reactions here. I guess that is part of my journey.

Because my journey isn't over. I am going to send a note to L. I am terrified that a spouse or her parents will open it because I don't know if the address is a good one. Its a small town, but the post office still has the rules right - they won't deliver it to the family address if the one I have is old, will they? But I am going to send it. And I am going call the county tomorrow and make sure they have our current address and inquire about the photos, though I won't rely on that.

Someday, I may realize I have shared to much in public space and take this down. Or I may save it here for BJ to read someday if it will help her sort out her own thoughts about her story, or maybe even L. Who knows.

But I do need to not forget to explore the topics that brought me to this blog in the first place.

From Adoption Thoughts Blog

2006-03-25T16:36:00.000-08:00

Rules for a Search
10 Rules for a Search

Try to stand in the shoes of the people you seek.
Ask the right questions.
Keep recoreds of everything.
Be patient. Don't jump to any hasty conclusions.
.
Assume anything you have been told could be wrong.

Never assume you are seeking people who dont want to be found. Your birth parents did not seal your records - society did.

- Birthright, Jean A. S. Strauss

Echoes

2006-03-25T16:14:00.000-08:00

As I re read some of the statements in L's forms some of the things jumped out at me differently than they had before - more like echoes of the stories I am reading on line.

things like - this is the most mature decision I have ever made; I am not able to financially or emotionally raise her. I don't judge people.

Oh please Lord, don't let it be that a social worker seeing an infant shamed her into believing she didn't have a right to try and get clean and/or pursue her right to a reunification plan.

Her age, her occupation, other words and phrases she used , not wanting chaos for the baby, the fact that the sw said she didn't name her until the sw convinced her she needed to (could that be true, I need to go look at the date the original birth certificate was signed compared to the date of the first document where a name appears), I took all this and came to the conclusion, trying to make sense of it, that she must have tried to get clean before and knew it wasn't as easy as just deciding to.

I wanted so much to believe that it was a decision based on honest assessment and love for the baby. Now all I hear in her words are the echoes of stories I read online about how personal histories and familial and societal responses combined with agencies that only focused on positive reinforcement techniques for placement (you are so honorable to give up this baby, leaving the implied you would be selfish to parent).

She did not have the option to just change her mind and parent. She would have had to comply with court orders and CPS requirements. But, Oh I hope she was dealt with honestly.

I am grateful for every day I have had with my daughter, that I held her at six weeks old.

But I really hope someone told her she had the right to try if she wanted to. I hope my early placement wasn't at the cost of greed at the sight of an infant. It wouldn't have been for money. But it could have been "an easy case", with "happy endings" forseeable to an overworked, power delusioned if well intentioned social worker.

background

2006-03-25T04:18:00.000-08:00

Complicated family relationships are normal to me. It is a gift my mom gave me. She never begrudged anyone their relationship to me when I was growing up(though she is a bit insecure now about my relationship and BJs relationship with my stepmom).

My father has been married four times. My mom was number two. They divorced when I was four months old. I have two half sisters and a half brother from his first wife. My half brother was around when I was growing up. He is 10 years older than me. My two sisters were raised in another country. I always knew about them and adored them from afar. I met one when she came to visit when I was 16. I met the other when I was 29.

My dad's third wife had a two boys. We lost touch with them when they divorced.

My dad's fourth and current wife has three adopted kids. One my age and two a couple years younger. The girl is 3 years younger than me and when they married when I was 14 (I didn't get to know about them until just before the wedding) I wanted to be close to her. We were until I married when I turned 18.

I am my mother's only child. My mother's two brothers never had any kids - only one married and that was not until I was an adult. I married before he did. My brother and sisters have married but none are currently married and none have children.

Hubby is the only child of his mother. Father absent and little known, though his mother suspects there are other unwed mothers with his half siblings as well as "traditional family" of half siblings

Hubby and I were godparents to three boys. The oldest of which is now married and he and his wife are godparents to BJ.

BJ might have a bio half-sibling one year younger.

Just to give you some background...

Confession

2006-03-25T04:10:00.000-08:00

I did something when BJ was an infant that walks the borderline of ethics and legality.

Before our adoption was finalized, when legally I was just foster mom - though it was an adoption placement...

I went to the hospital where she was born and requested her medical records. I gave my real name and address and all, and under relationship - I put mother. I also gave them a copy of the custody documents that listed me as the foster parent. I doubt they looked that far.

They gave me the records. I gave them to my pediatrician. I have to go look and make sure now that I have a copy since we moved out of state, but I am pretty sure I do. If not, I will just request the medical records from the peds office - now I do have a right to those.

I also went online to vitalchek before the adoption and requested her birth certificate. Her original birth certificate. I knew full well once the adoption went through we would have enough trouble getting the new one and the original would vanish behind laws and regulations and sealed records.

I went on, put her information, again listed my real name but under relationship, I checked mother. I paid my fee and fedex fee and a week later I had it in my hands. It is filed away. I have no use for it. I wasn't trying to take anything away from L. But BJ will have it regardless of what the states say about open records. She won't have to fight that fight; not for herself anyway.

I don't regret it, though occasionally I used to feel a bit guilty. Reading so many adoptees blogs (I am a bit obsessed these days, another confession). I don't feel guilty anymore. As always, I was doing what I felt was best for BJ.

Expectations

2006-03-25T03:42:00.000-08:00

There are so many voices out there on this webring I am reading.

I seem to be reading each one, looking for clues as to how it informs my adoption experience and that of my daughters.

The blog linked in the title is having some trouble in reunion over expectations.

It hit me, for L and BJ there will be these kind of social negotiations, though I sincerely hope they are not filled with as much angst and misunderstanding as the lady above's reunion.

Between L and BJ, each will have expectations of what reunion will look like - how often contact will be; scheduled or impromptu. How they will introduce each other, what parts of their lives they will share.

I can't help but think two things:

1. If I do get photos and letters going now, wouldn't that inevitably ease the "expectations" becuase of their being some groundwork? I mean, if L sends letters I may not read everyone to BJ immediately, she is only six, but I would certainly keep them for her until she is a bit older, not wait till she was an adult. And if a letter was simple and understandable (because I would expect in the beginning there might be some outpouring of emotions andwhy and how and background that a six year old shouldn't and couldn't deal with) - but if right now we received an "I love you and am glad you are doing well in school" type of letter, certainly I would give that to BJ now. Plus BJ will see a photo as soon as I have one.

2. All adult familial relationships have some of this negotiation. My father has four children. Two of them choose to have no contact with him. One of those won't acknowledge him as father. One contacts only every several years. I have a relationship with him, but it has it's rules and when they are violated - I back off. There is no adoption involved. I talk to my mom every day. I talk to my step mom about once a week. My mom is jealous of my love for my stepmom even though I am closer to no one in this world than my mom.

This Adoptee Blog Scares Me

2006-03-25T02:56:00.000-08:00

I can cope if L rebuffs my inquiry now about contact/photos. I don't really have any right to it. It is for BJ, but some for me too.

But I hadn't thought too much about what if didn't go well with BJ as a teenager/young adult.

I guess I had thought about it. That is my whole "willing" thing.

I went back and pulled out the "birthmother information form" out the files earlier today before I found the blog above.

What it actually says is " If she chooses...at age 18... I will be willing to cooperate to the best of my ability."

L's voice is so strong and endearing when she talks about herself - her likes, her hopes her dreams. Even the , "I have thought about this.." statement.

The willing statement sounds different in my ears. I am going to hold onto the idea of being prepared. But the fear for BJ grows. How hurtful if all my statements of she loves you and wants the best for you would be met by indifference or worse.

Its projecting, I know, I know. More reasons to think it will be good than bad. Not going to worry about tommorrow and all.

A thought today, the stuff about the father information is blank, but she started to write something and crossed it out. From her "voice" in the other pieces, my gut doesn't believe she didn't know who the father was. And she states that the grandparents didn't know of the pregnancy.

What if when she wrote the "willing to cooperate" statement, she was thinking of BJ wanting contact with the others. That would explain the difference in tone.

The part I worry about now as I get closer and closer to trying to make contact is the others of now. If what I found is her, this statement was written BJ was three weeks old, two weeks after the first court date, three weeks before I ever held BJ... two months before L became pregnant again and married the father of that baby (whose name is of an ethnicity that it would be unlikely that L has based on physical characteristics).

What if a current husband who doesn't know opens her mail?

I don't want to make anything worse for L, or ruin anything for the future for BJ.

I also don't want to let fear rationalize me out of contact if that contact could be good and healing for L - and help BJ grow up with a positive self esteem and without questions, wonderings and pain - and pave the way for a less stressful reunion later.

The Might Have Been that broke our heart.

2006-03-25T01:45:00.000-08:00

The second situation is the one I refer to as our "failed match". Really, it wasn't a failure. We turned it down. But it broke our heart in so many ways.

I know why we were selected for this little girl. Everything in her heartbreaking story was an "acceptable" on our pink sheet.

The pink sheet is a story in itself I may need to post about. It is a horrible, awful thing -that is necessay I guess in CPS adoptions. You are asked to go down this multiple page listing of all sorts of diseases, tragedies, disabilities, and background factors and mark - acceptable, will consider, and not acceptable.

She was born to a 15 year old mentally retarded girl in the rural outskirts of town. CPS already had an open file on the girl and her family going back years due to chronic neglect. The girl was taken by her sisters to some community event and the girl was raped by an unknown person. They believe it was that rape that resulted in the pregnancy, however the CPS workers stated that they suspected the girl was frequently taken advantage of. The baby was removed from the girls custody at a few weeks old and placed with the grandmother. The grandmother was the party being investigated in the open file. The grandmother continued to allow large numbers of men in and out of the house and left the baby unatttended. So, at 6 months old the baby had been removed from the family.

The little girl was placed with a foster parent who I had the displeasure of meeting when we had our briefing on the child. She was horrid. The baby was nine months old, had been in her home for three months and she couldn't tell me what the baby liked to eat or what music or toys she preferred. The baby had a bald spot on the back of her head from laying down and never being picked up. The woman tried to offer quilts if we would take her that weekend because she didn't want to take the baby on vacation with her. Yuck. I know there are good foster parents out there. This woman was not one of them.

I wrote an essay about this to the mom in the family that did adopt her. It talks about "meant to be". I don't post it now to offend, I really don't. And I do not mean in any way that God intended for the mother to be mentally retarted, abused or raped. I do not mean that God intended for this precious child to be endangered, neglected, harmed or even adopted had she been able to be kept safe in her family of origin.

I do not mean that God makes women give up their babies for adoption just so someone else can have children.

I talk about the pain of the situation a lot. On re-reading it (I wrote it many months ago), I have to say - I don't mean to make it sound like it compares to the loss and pain of a first mother. It was painful for me. It was a loss for me. I very much get that it doesn't even come close to what many of the people reading this blog live with day in and day out.

I do still believe that God can take a tragedy and bring joy in the midst of it. I do believe that God had a plan for each of us. That sometimes people follow his will and sometimes they don't. That he does care about each of us and that it was not his will for me to adopt the other little girl, but for me to adopt BJ instead.

But in light of the fact that the social workers chose us because we weren't afraid of mental illness or unknown info about the father - but mostly it seems because the child had asthma and we lived in a newer apartment complex with central heat and air, no pets and a spare decorating style, God had other plans and being a praying person, I was given the grace to be sensitive to them in that moment.

The family who adopted her, and who was a much better adoptive family for her than we, lived on the other end of the outskirts of town (dustier) in an older home without central air, had a dog and other siblings. But they also had a stay at home mom experienced with dealing with health issues in her older boys when they were younger, it was a family more closely in racial make up than us, and I can't explain it - it was just right.

Of course I didn't know any of that when after holding and playing with the girl for two hours, making plans to take her to specialist on monday for that weird breathing I noticed and suspected awful foster mom hadn't taken her to a doctor )of weeping and crying about feeling it wasn't 'right' but couldn't tell you why. It was a child, what if we said no and had no other chance? But it wasn't right.

I have read a lot of first mothers who regret placing their child for adoption. But even among them, I haven't heard many say they regret the choice of family within the framework of the adoption itself. I liken it to that. It would be better if our world never needed Child Protective Services, just like many times it would be better if the adoption never happened, but since it did - they made a selection of the family they thought best. One prospective adoptive family was better than another prospective adoptive family for that child at that moment in time.

From the original families perspective, I don't know if anything can ever be said to have worked out. I don't mean this to speak to their multiple tragedies in any way. And while I may now doubt some of what I was told in my own daughter's adoption - I don't doubt what I was told in this. It was a small community that I was peripherally involved with. I could have verified, would have known if it were wrong. There would be documentation - the sw knew I would have requested it and new that I knew the pap had the right to see it.

Certainly, if I was asked to speak to prospective adoptive parents today, my story would be different - probably not one that a social worker would ask me to give. I would still tell this story. Within the context of CPS adoptions, I still think the lesson to be honest with yourself, not be afraid to say no to a match, are important ones. But today I wouldn't be so blind to the original mother in all my "meant to be" statements.

So, here is my essay - from one adoptive mom to another:

I have told the story at least a dozen times. I have told it when the listener had something to gain from my experience, or when I was opening up my deepest heart in a burgeoning friendship. There is one woman who I really want to tell this story to, but I don’t know how to reach her. I don’t know if my story would hurt her or comfort her. Perhaps she would wonder why I haven’t simply moved on from it. It is simply so much a part of my experience; so much that captures the grace of God, of the intertwined pain and joy. If it hadn’t happened, I wouldn’t know the joy of my daughter. But I would never wish it on anyone. It was the most tragic pain of my life.
I had an opportunity once to talk to her about it. But the story wasn’t done then. In fact the occasion of the missed opportunity was partly what healed me. I didn’t know how much she knew, or should know. In retrospect, I think she had been prepared for that night. I don’t know why I wasn’t.

In June of 1999, after 2 years of “official” waiting for our daughter we were matched with a nine month old girl. Everything in the baby’s profile matched our “pink sheet”. We went to the disclosure meeting. It was unusual from the beginning. The child was in the room with us while the social workers went through the medical and placement history. It was hard to listen while watching this precious little one; holding her, talking to her. We did it though. For two hours we listened and asked our questions. I quelled my anger at the foster parent who was there but clearly knew very little about this gift of God that had been in her care for several months now. We took pictures. We left the Thursday morning meeting with a plan to have a full day visit on Saturday.

But we were unsettled more than excited. On the drive home we began to discuss our reactions, our feelings, our heart. By the time we reached home. We had admitted what we were fighting in the room.

This was not our daughter.

Can you even imagine how painful that was? It is not natural to hold a child in your arms and look into her eyes and say – you are not my child.

We cried. We told each other that maybe after the visit on Saturday something would be different. But we knew. Saturday would just make harder what we knew we had to do. We didn’t understand why, but we knew.

We cried some more and held each other. Then I said “You know, the staffing’s rarely only identify one family. I have heard over and over they identify two for this very reason. If we call them now, they can still have a meeting tomorrow with the other family and that family could have her on Saturday.”

With trepidation and fear and anxiety, my husband called our social worker. I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t say the words. He told her that while we were in great grief and couldn’t really talk about it at that moment, we could not consider this a match. The wise and wonderful social worker gave a few words of comfort, left us to our grief and went on to what God had set her to doing – making families for His children.

I had to call into work Friday to tell them that no, the adoption had not gone through, and I wouldn’t be taking maternity leave, but I couldn’t come in until Monday. We spent that Friday and weekend in quiet solitude from the world, with tears. Some of the reasons solidified as to why this wasn’t right. It horrified and surprised us some, made us more honest with ourselves and shamed us a bit. But we knew we had done the right thing in not pursuing this adoption.

On Monday we started to pick up the pieces and relied on work and routine to get back to normal. That year, when we drove to Northern California for the fourth of July as we always do, I remember being unable to concentrate or read on the ride. (this vacation and part of our story has a praise aspect to it for our own family, but that is another story for another day). I know that in July I was functioning but still grieving. The trip to family who prayed with us was greatly healing and ultimately prepared us for our daughter. On the way home from that vacation, I was again focused on the wait for our daughter and had let go of the grief. Now it was replaced by anxiety of being matched again (were the social workers mad? Would they choose us again? How would our child come to us, how long would we have to wait?)

In August 1999, on a Wednesday afternoon I again received an “after staffing” call that informed me we had been matched with a 6 week old baby girl. We didn’t tell anyone in our family and friends except one couple we had befriended during our pre-adoption classes some months before. We were too afraid of the pain and having to explain again. This time the introduction was more along the lines of normal – we met first with the social workers and went over the case history, saw a picture and then later went and picked up our daughter.

We were ecstatic with joy.
Our daughter had been with us just a few weeks and everyone had been wonderful. The foster mother was a godsend, helping me in my transition to motherhood. We got a phone call. Could we come in a few days and speak to a group of potential adoptive parents? Of course we would. We could show off our daughter!

When we arrived, we waited in the hallway to go into the room. Also waiting in the outside corridor was the little girl from a few months ago.

I caught my breath. The little girl looked in my eyes like she recognized me. I caught my breath again. She looked different. So much healthier, happier, complete. Then I looked at her mother, father, brothers. I didn’t know what to say. I smiled. I assumed they did not know of the failed match.

We went into the room. I spoke first. I told the story from the match of our daughter. I was caught up in the joy. I didn’t focus on how my history intersected with theirs. It just didn’t seem relevant. I ended my story with.. “I don’t know what else we could have wanted or had better” as I was so proud of my baby.

She said “You could have had her”.

I smiled (shocked underneath). I think the audience took it as a transition… the mother saying, my daughter is wonderful too.

And her daughter is wonderful. And MEANT to be with their family. Seeing the girl with her family gave me such wonderful closure. We did do the right thing. This baby girl was meant to be with them. How any social worker could have marked us first for this baby over them was beyond me. She was so much their child – they were so much the right family for her.

As the mother told the story of their first days and weeks with their daughter, I knew I couldn’t have done what she did. I knew she had the resources in her soul that I didn’t. I watched those brothers dote on that baby girl and I knew God had ordained her for their family.

I thought that was the end of the story.

A few weeks later I got a bunch of rolls of film back from the market. One roll had ½ pictures of my daughter and ½ from the day we held the other woman’s daughter. What bittersweet tears flowed.

I kept the pictures.

I thought I would ask the social worker to pass them on. But even then, I thought – surely she had pictures from only the next day. Why would she want mine – a reminder of an almost went wrong – a reminder or notice that someone else had “rejected” her daughter (for that is still the accusation I hear in her voice when I recall the – ‘you could have had her’)
I still have the photos.

I still want to tell her how I treasured her daughter. It wasn’t rejection. It was knowing before I knew –

“She is your daughter – not mine”.

Do I want to tell her for her, or for me?

I don’t want to cause pain. But I think she knew then.

What would have happened if we had told our story together – how being honest and true to yourself even when it hurts is best –

I told it to another group for the county, when that family was not there. But not all of it. I told them we turned down a match and how fearful that was but how it worked out. It was still so soon.

That’s why I occasionally tell the story now to adoptive parents I meet --- save yourself the sorrow when faced with a real child I say – be brutally honest with yourself and your spouse about your deepest thoughts about parenting and children. Be true to what your Spirit tells you when you hold a child and want to run with her because, she is at least a baby and you want a baby with your whole being.

I tell it now so they can here that we did it and the social workers chose us again, because God ordained it so. I tell it so that I can rejoice in my God and his design and wonderful gifts in letting me see that girl with her family.

Every once in a while I stumble in the files across those photos. Or someone else’s parenting or adoption story triggers that other mother’s face in my mind.

I still want to tell her of the grief I went through. I want to tell her…

I didn’t reject your daughter – I just knew she was yours.

Might have been 2.0

2006-03-25T01:34:00.000-08:00

After we had gone through all the licensing and homestudy and all with the county social services, we had two children we were asked to consider before B.J.

In the world of CPS, the social workers have what is called a "staffing". When a child is moved in permanancy planning from reuinification to an adoption plan, the child's social worker holds a meeting with all the social workers(sw) for prospective adoptive parentspap). The pap sw bring the profile books that we made and they sit around a conference table and discuss which family would be best for the child. The child's sw will have made a list of characteristics she is looking for. Paps learn to read between the lines on these things when they are listed on waiting children's websites. "should be the youngest child in the home" or "no pets" means the child has some aggressive acting out behaviours that could be dangerous to younger children and pets. Sometimes it is more a reflection of the sw bias on some issue - such as two parent family or stay at home mom. Though that is not supposed to happen, there are ways to justify it.

The first situation was when our sw asked if we wanted to be presented on a three year old little girl. She had been brought into ER when she was 18 months old with several broken bones, xrays showed previous fractures healed untreated. The child had been in foster care since. We said yes. We were not selected.

Might Have Been 1.0

2006-03-25T01:13:00.000-08:00

I don't want to forget, one of my reasons is to tell a bit of my story. Keeping that simultaneous with sorting out the possibility of not waiting for BJ to turn 18 before contact, seems important. For bringing out feelings, for challenging perceptions. And just to get my story down.

So here goes.

There were three "might have beens" in our journey. The first actually started long before we actually decided to adopt.

I had just turned 18. Hubby and I were dating. We knew we wanted to marry, but were not yet engaged. My best friend from highschool became pregnant by her boyfriend. Also a friend of mine. We were "good church kids" so this was very scandaluous even in the late 80s. It was a big secret. She was going to have an abortion and keep that a secret as well. I think the only reason she even told me is that the guy that was giving them the money for the abortion was someone I had been very close with up until I started dating future hubby and she was afraid he would tell me first. I didn't realize that until now.

Anyway, being staunchly and unexamedly pro life at the time(I still am prolife, but I don't think abortion should be illegal), I was appalled and shocked. Not at the pregnancy or the sexual activity - but at the idea of abortion. (I have since matured and been able to show more compassion when a friend confesses a past abortion, not being so judgemental. While today I might still beg a friend not to have an abortion, I know I wouldn't be angry at them the way I was with her).

I offered to "take the baby" if she would carry it. Hubby and I would get married sooner rather than later and raise the child. I didn't think about the awkwardness of the situation (the friendship has waxed and waned over the years even because I 'know' about what she refers to as her 'past'). I don't know if I even thought about it in terms of adoption, guardianship, what if she wanted the baby back, etc. I don't know if she even considered it momentarily. We never discussed it. I didn't see her again until after she had the abortion.

She later had a tragedy involving a rape; the resulting pregnancy miscarried and complications related to the earlier abortion threatened her life. The authorities questioned the veracity of the rape, her family tried to protect her by lying to everyone about the hospitilization (she was on a trip, she had mono, etc). She now has beautiful children, though she remains troubled by what she refers to as "her past". Secrecy can be a powerful communicator of shame.

This was all long before I had any clue that I might not get pregnant easily or before I knew anything about adoption. But I think the experience might have colored my early impressions when I did begin the process. To me, adoption was primarily an alternative, a prevention of abortion.

Alone Time

2006-03-25T01:11:00.000-08:00

I talked to hubby today about indirect contact to see if we could send photos. He surprised me with how quickly he agreed.

Conversations

2006-03-25T01:00:00.000-08:00

Yesterday.

Mar: BJ, I want to talk with you. Are you in the mood for a serious conversation?

BJ: OK.

Mar: Do you ever think about your birthmother?

BJ: No.

Mar: How do you feel when mommy talks about her?

BJ: Sad.

Mar: What about it makes you sad, honey?

BJ: That I never saw her.

Mar: How would you feel if mommy tried to get a photo of her?

BJ: (putting her arms around my neck) Is she dead?

Mar: No, she's not dead honey.

BJ: Where is she?

Mar: I don't know, but would you like to see a photo if I can get one?

BJ: nods head.

Mar: Do you want mommy to keep talking about her?

BJ: (shakes head no).

Mar: If I stopped talking about her, would you promise to talk to me when you are ready?

B.J. No and No.
Can we go to King's Dominion?

Thoughts on reform

2006-03-23T13:55:00.000-08:00

I have been reading an anti adoption board.

I think that in the situations of voluntary private adoptions (meaning not CPS involved) where a pregnant woman is considering adoption

maybe

In addition to a required "homework" of making a parenting plan even if they don't intend to parent, just so they know they could the expectant mother should be required to:

Interview 2-3 women who placed children for adoption more than 1 year ago.

Take the baby home for a 24-72 hours before being allowed to relinquish.

There probably should be a method for exceptions if the woman has no place to stay (but the adoption agency could pay for a hotel for a couple days) or if the woman is in an abusive or dangerous situation (again, agency should help her get out of said situation first) or some other unforseen unique circumstance.

But what could it hurt? It might be more painful for the mother, if she does decide to place than not having those days. But its not like it's not painful anyway. If the result is fewer placements, I think (in the abstract) that the extra pain for a couple days would be worth the grief saved for a lifetime of those who didn't.

This doesn't fit every situation. But I mean for the woman who "goes back and forth" can't decide, etc. The woman who is deciding this primarily because she is in an unplanned pregnancy and society immediately thrusts the question: abort, parent or adopt? at her. She should have to write out the solution to any financial or emotional support questions. She should have to hold her baby before she decides.

It has always angered me when women abort because the pregnancy would be an inconvenience -would interupt school, social life etc.

The more I read, I am upset that so many women seem pointed to adoption in an unplanned pregnancy just because they haven't finished college, don't have a job, and aren't married. That is just plain wrong.

When did we come to the point as a society that we started telling women that getting pregnant will ruin their lives?

You know, my husband was born to an unwed mother abandoned by the father. She worked in a factory. She is disabled now with mental illness. His childhood has a lot of horror stories. I guess some could say he would have "been better off" adopted. Well, wouldn't we all be "better off" with more money, education, and nicer homes? That doesn't mean either one of their lives was RUINED. I had never thought of them before now in terms of a potential adoption situation. We have always just been grateful she didn't abort.

I do believe if a woman is considering abortion, adoption is the better solution.

I do believe adoption is appropriate when the mother is truly incapable due to terminal illness, drug abuse, mental retardation, inability to keep herself or the child safe from abuse.

In those cases, my proposals as part of reform wouldn't necessarily all be appropriate in every case.

They are just initial thoughts anyway. But I think the fact that firstmothers are reaching out to pregnant women online who clearly are not considering abortion and asking them to consider that this is a permanent solution to a temporary problem, is a fabulous thing. Reform, woman to woman. What a way to start :)

Contact

2006-03-23T12:14:00.000-08:00

I was asked why I don't have contact with L.

I never did. It was a closed adoption through Child Protective Services.

That is the easy answer.

Why don't I make contact now? Why wait until BJ is 18?

I have two or three possible phone numbers.
I have an address.

I even drove by the apartment where she lived once.(I don't think she lives in that state anymore and we don't either).

I think my perception of "willing" stopped me. At 18 stopped me.

The fact my husband wouldn't want me to make contact certainly is a factor.

I think if I had an email, I might move a little closer to being able to do it. Somehow an email seems less intrusive than a phone call or letter out of the blue. Also less likely that a party in her life that doesn't know about the past would accidently find it.

Also, keeps our privacy of where we live, just in case she still isn't in a good place with the drugs.

The last couple of days I have started composing a letter to social services in my head:

We stated in our file that we wanted to be advised if L requested photos. We have moved and never heard anything. I would like to send photos. I would also like to have a photo of L. Would the agency be willing to contact L and inquiry if she would like us to send photos? If so, would you also inquire if she would forward a photo of herself through the agency?

I need to talk with hubby about that. I don't know if they would do it. They were pretty adament about the fact that only BJ and L had right to have stuff put in a file for BJ when she was 18 - not me.

I could also maybe mail a letter to the two addresses I have that is cryptic but she would know.

What do you think, how would it feel to you if you received an envelope in the mail with something like this:

I don't want to disturb your life, your name and contact info was in some paperwork from year in city. Would you like photos of our six year old? Please email me at...

too cloak and dagger?

I found a link to the international registry and a bunch of other info last night. Two things surprised me. That adoptive parents of minors are allowed to register, and all the registry does is give you name and any available contact info.

I have that. Except an email.

Maybe I am just being a wimp. I don't want to take a risk. I want to know if she wants to hear from us before I contact. And I want to contact anonymously first, find out how things are before I actually entertain the idea of anything more.

My ideal, from a selfish point of view is this: I want to be able to send her photos. On a regular basis, not just once -though once would be better than nothing. I would like a photo, and maybe actually a letter written directly to and for BJ instead of pieces of thoughts on a government form. I would like to know more about her life now. I would like to be able to tell her how wonderful BJ is and what her personality and interests are like.

I don't want anymore than that though right now.

If I could envision the "perfect" (for me - again selfish) scenario for later. It would be something like this.

A few months before BJ turns 18 and is making her college plans, we talk and she confirms she would like to meet L before she leaves for college. I contact L and she is in a good place in her life and is excited to meet BJ. We arrange a special meeting place, a nice dinner, an amusement park if extensive travel is involved. We take BJ and a few hours before the actual meeting I tell BJ. We meet. Everyone feels connected, we "catch up" and then dh and I go off while BJ and L have some alone time. We come back together later, etc. exchange contact info, etc.

BJ and L continue you relationship and BJ shares details with me in phone conversations and visits from college. L comes to our house for thanksgiving. BJ spends holidays in both places. I am totally cool with L and I both being grandmas to BJ's kids and seeing each other at school plays and birthdays, etc.

OK - even I get how me setting up the reunion could come across as controlling LOL. But its a fantasy.

I could also envision sitting down over a special lunch with BJ and bringing out all the papers and giving them to her. Asking her if she would like me there when she calls? Or would she rather write?

My daughter doesn't like an audience for a lot of things already, so I can imagine her saying no, she would do it when she was ready and taking the papers and thanking me with a warm hug and then not doing anything for a few days or weeks (which would absolutely drive me crazy :).

I do really hope, what would actually hurt a bit would be if BJ never wanted to talk with me about her experience of meeting L or her feelings about contacting or not. Obviously I would live with it. But it would be being closed out of a part of BJs life that I have lived with and dreamed about for many years. I have always hoped BJ would allow me into that part of herself.

How it started

2006-03-21T22:44:00.000-08:00

I am not infertile. Neither is my husband. We now know that we both have reduced fertility. With other partners, we woul likely have not had too much trouble. But together equals 18 years of unprotected sex failing to result in a pregnancy. When we had been married 6 years, I took clomid for a few months. We didn't go any further than that. We have supported ourselves since we married at 18, but have never been wealthy. We live paycheck to paycheck, even though I make a decent salary now. We have life insurance and health insurance, but no significant savings, etc. So 13 years ago, expensive, invasive fertility treatments that had been none to destroy more than one marriage didn't seem attractive. We kept trying, I went back to college. Another five years went by and we tossed around the idea of adoption, we timidly looked into orphanages in Mexico. We signed up for a foster care seminar with catholic charities, but never went. By the time we got more serious about it, I knew I wouldn't be able to afford $20-30K for a private domestic or international adoption. We never really focused on that. I never really felt the need for a newborn. I wanted children, not necessarily a baby. But as we researched there was a lot of information about attachment disorder in older child adoptions. We were repulsed by the "trendiness" that was going on in the place where we lived at the time of adopting from Russia and then the horror stories we heard about people abandoning the adoptions because they weren't prepared for the serious mental health issues the severe neglect and abuse that life in the orphanages had wreaked on the children.

So, someone I knew casually at work gave me a phone number for the county adoption services they were using. I called. We got on a waiting list. That was the extent of the research. It just fit. I would pay only for the legal fees associated with filing the paperwork (which turned out to be only $35). The Social Workers would walk us through the process. A 'birthmother' - although even then I knew that it wasn't right to call a pregnant woman a birthmother - wouldn't "choose" us - the social workers would.

We waited for classes, we went to classes, we filled out forms, we went through a horrific excercise of the "pink sheet" where you mark what medical conditions, legal conditions, and situations you were comfortable with, went through interviews, had multiple licensing agencies visit our home and interview us. Finally almost two years after the first call to the county - we were 'ready' - now we just waited to be matched.

We were prepared and waiting for 1-2 children, at least one a girl - the oldest one not being older than 2 (the bonding research).

We had a failed match I will post about later.

I went through a period of distress. I was waiting for my child. I desperately wanted her to be safe and secure. And yet, here I was adopting through CPS. By the very definition, something horrible and awful was going to or was happening to the child. If it was not so, there would be no CPS placement. Certainly, I didn't want something to happen just so I could adopt. But it was a reality, children do not end up in the custody of the state for no reason. I felt compelled to pray constantly for the safety and welfare of my child, and I struggled with how that prayer could be answered because I knew there are/ children in CPS and I was going to adopt one. That meant something horrible they were going through. (It was ultimately an answered prayer in my opinion - the drugs were the danger, and in the long run there were no lasting disabilities or health issues- again another post later about this prayer)

Then we were matched for a six week old that was already in permanancy planning for adoption.

There was no information provided on the birthfather. The mother had arrived in the ER in labor and high. She had no prenatal care. The baby tested positive for meth at birth. The baby had never been on an apnea monitor. The baby had been in foster care since release from the hospital. CPS had taken custody of the infant shortly after birth. One court date had been held.

We brought her home and loved her instantly. We had monthly SW visits - a few health issues requiring court permission to have BJ tested for HIV, and HEP C, along with tests for Cystic Fibrosis because of breathing problems. I openly told doctors of her drug exposure at birth - hubby was uncomfortable.

When BJ was 10 months old, we finalized the adoption.

Then I became involved in online adoption communities.

I was flamed because I tried to tell people that county adoptions were not awful, nightmares that everyone was afraid of.

I was told I must think I am so special that I got an infant - that I was "bragging" that my adoption cost $35. I thought I was trying to tell them, that this was a viable option for them too. They didn't have to do that awful advertising and searching and setting up phone numbers and worrying about being scammed and getting "proof" of pregnancy.

I became insensed, hurt and angry - when people indicated that my daughter was a "drug baby" and they wouldn't consider that.

My daughter is beautiful and healthy and bright -and was loved by her birthmother and by her parents.

Then I found a special small group where I could safely share how I watched the way my daughter held her feet in a unique position and I wondered if it was genetic, did L stand like that? After 8 months or so, the group slowly parted. Then I found a group of adoptive moms and I made some very lasting friendships.

Then the adoptions stuff sort of faded to the background and parenting and working and living daily life just took over. More and more hubby chooses not to discuss the adoption, she is his daughter and the rest is nobody's business. We live in a place where no one knew us when we went through the adoption. So, I talk with BJ about it as casual opportunities come up. I tell myself, now she will have the choice to share with people her story as she chooses and not have everyone - just know. But I can't bring myself to too much denial. If it is someone I don't know very well - I have my generic phrases - when BJ arrived, etc. But if a friend at work asks about something, or I am telling a story and the fact of the adoption is part of it... I tell it. I know hubby doesn't like that. But it is who we are. I can't lie about it. Though I do refuse to put it on school forms and tell doctors now only if it is pertinent. (which because of some genetic diseases is in the new patient history). I am careful about the public schools and their labels and prejudices and notorious lack of confidentiality.

Almost two years ago, I started blogging. A month ago I found a birthmothers blog ring and started reading. Tonight I felt like I should start a place to put this all down, for me, for BJ, and maybe just maybe for some interaction like I had in that small group so many years ago. Adult Adoptees, Birthmothers and Adoptive mothers, all mothers working together to cry together, support together, learn together.

I feel like I am saying the same thing again, and not the new stuff. I need to write through why first mother bothers me - figure that out beyond the platitudes. Natural mother I know bothers me for the natural/unnatural thing. It is first mother that really gets to me, but I haven't figured out why. I want to get away from the birthmother word, though that is the word BJ already knows for L. I don't want to keep using this word that bristles and hurts others. I know language is powerful. It is the way we change thought, culture, and frameworks. by first changing the words. You see all around. In anotehr example separate from the adoption community - though no less controversial. We don't say illegal aliens anymore, have you noticed? It is undocumented workers. The language conveys a shift in thinking. So too with the birthmother word. That is probably why first mother hurts. I don't want to think of anyone else as mother to BJ. L is vitally important. Part of my job as mom to BJ is to convey honor and respect for L - both because she is family, but also because of what that conveys to BJ about herself. But right or wrong -that is how I feel. I am mom. Does that mean I feel threatened? I don't thinks so, though I will think on that and write on that more. It most likely has to do with what I view adoption as - a transferring of parental rights, roles, and responsibilities. I become the mom, there is no other "mom". Even as I right that, I recognize that those are words that will upset and inflame many. But then what is L's role? She is family - yes. She is an important part of BJ - yes. But the adoption itself took away the role of mother from her. Hmm. took away. I guess that is where the beginning of "lost to adoption" comes in.

L

2006-03-21T21:43:00.000-08:00

I have the form L filled out for CPS. It gives her medical history and that of her parents. I am grateful for that.

It also has her Social Security number, her drivers license number, her address, her phone number and her parents address and phone number. I am also glad I have it. It will make searching easy when BJ is 18. But it also makes me nervous. I work in a field that tries to protect that kind of information. How did it get in my packet of paperwork. Was it intentional? Does L know I have it?

It is such a temptation for me. I want to know more now. But what right do I have to that information? There are more issues here as well, what would happen if I did find a way to contact her now, but that is for another post.

It also has a physical description of her and a one paragraph statement in her own handwriting as to why she decided to relinquish.

The baby had been removed from her custody in the hospital by CPS. The next step should have been a reunification plan. It would most likely required in patient detox/drug and alcohol rehabilitation, based on how consistently I saw that court order it in similar cases. L wasn't a young kid. She was living on her own, working, supporting herself. Her statement on the form is vague. She struggled with it, thought it best. A social worker told me on finalization day that L had said, she didn't want BJ to grow up in the mess that her life was.

I have a story I have in my mind about that, I told myself she must have tried to get clean before and knew how hard it was - must have wanted to spare BJ that risk, that her love lifted her above the fog that kept her from getting any medical care during the pregnancy, and smoking, drinking and using all the way through to coming in labor and high. But her love, let her see to relinquish instead of drag out a process she didn't believe would end favorably. but again, that is another post. I have read enough other stories now, that I question. I will explore that in another post.

The line that says she is willing to have contact with BJ when she is 18 if BJ wants it troubles me. It is so vague. What does that mean. Willing.

My hope has been that BJ will allow me the privilege of opening that door for her, to introduce her to L, if you will.

Willing. Why not hopeful? Why not, "would like". Willing. It sounds so ambivalent.

One day I told BJ that I had the information she would need in order to meet L someday. BJ said, I want to meet her now. I said, you can't until you are 18. I told her that L could leave notes with the SW, but I am not allowed to access that for her, only she could when she was 18. It is the rules. I told BJ that if she wanted to, she could write a note or draw a picture and we could send it to the sw who would put it in her file and if L wanted to she could ask if anything was there for her. I don't remember if I told BJ that I doubted L was checking it. BJ is only six. And I don't doubt it because of L, but because if I had been through that, would I really want to continue contact with CPS? How humiliating. BJ seemed satisfied.

I know the one exception to the communication rule that the county/state has set up is photos. We signed something that said if L requested photos that we did want to be notified.

I have a file folder that I put photos in for her. It is marked simply L. There are not tons of photos in it. I admit I forget a lot. But there are about a dozen. Of course BJ will be welcome to go through the boxes of photos and add anything she wants, but this way there is something at the ready when the time is right - not left overs pulled out - but ones reserved for her as they were taken. I bought an album this year for them. I haven't brought myself to start putting it together.

What I really want is a photo of L. I have read that the most common question adoptees ask, especially girls, is "what does she look like?". So part of it started with wanting to have a photo for the very first time BJ asks the question. No waiting and wondering, here - this is what she looks like. This is where you get your green eyes, your dimple. But more and more I want it for me. I want to know what she looks like. This woman who is so much a part of the daughter I cherish.

Though it shames me some, the truth is I don't want to invite her into our lives now. My husband wouldn't want it. If there was strife or chaos, I would feel foolish for bringing it into our lives. But I SO want to be a part of her life when BJ is grown. I realize that it will be up to BJ and L to determine the relationship at that point. But if BJ trusts me or wants me to be a part, I anxiously await seeing what it will be. But for now, I want a picture. and some info.

Late at night, I google her name, hoping to find her on a listserv, blog, or something where I can anonymously get to know her. I found other things. I hospital announcement for a woman with the same name in the same town giving birth toa baby boy almost exactly one year after BJ was born. Did she get married (the father is listed), what is the boy's name? I found an address that is back in the town she grew up in. No more married name. Is it newer or older. Did she move back? Did she divorce? Does she regret the placement? If she hadn't relinquished, would she have regained custody? How is she doing now? What is her life like? I want to know the story of her grief and how she sees it all now.

I envy people who can send photos and letters. I know it is selfish and not sensitive to what L might want or need. Right or wrong that is where I am right now. I wish I knew more about her life now, I wish I had a photo, I wish I could send her photos and I wish that would be all it would be until BJ is older.

A few years ago I toyed with the idea of hiring an attorney to contact her and inquiry if she wanted photos. I was tantalized by the prospect as much as I was terrified by the unknowns of what would happen. I had heard the same horror stories everyone has - the parent in prison who finds the family and tries to extort money under threats of making problems. And now that I hear voices of women who call themselves first mothers and see how while they voice their grief and anger to friends on the internet, they would never never show that to a child not capable of or needing to see the complexity of the emotion - I still wonder - If I knew L was intensely grieving and regretting not raising BJ - what would that mean? BJ is my daughter - I love her with the breath and tears of my life. I couldn't do anything about L's grief. But how would I sit with it, live it with it, digest it? So why open that door? to satisfy my curiosity?

The real reason I dropped it was more practical. I can't afford an attorney.

The reputable registries won't allow minors or parents of minors to register I don't think. And that word.

Willing.

I really don't want to bring more pain on her if she isn't dealing with it right now. Six years is a long time, but not so long really. Many of the mothers whose blogs I am reading - it was years before they acknowledged their anger, grief and feelings of betrayal. What if L is just in 'survival mode' raising her own almost six year old, working, living, breathing and bringing out her bottled emotions only in the quiet of the middle of the night. What would a letter from an attorney not associated with the county adoption agency or CPS do to her emotions, her life. What if she still hasn't told her parents, what if she never told her husband? Who am I to risk exposing her, because I can't wait.

BJ has that right, I believe. When she is 18, I will ask her, help her, seek for her if she wants me to.

So I keep hoping that somehow I will get a glimpse, an online photo.

I hold onto the things I know. I tell BJ things as they come up.

When BJ asks about menstruation (I know its early, but she asked what it was and I told her) I told her when I started and when her birhtmother started and what that means for when she will likely start.

When BJ asks about why her blonde hair is turning brown, I tell her that L's hair is brown and hers will likely be too. When BJ plays at volleyball in the house, I tell her that L likes volleyball. When BJ asks about ancestors and ethnicity, I tell her mine, her fathers, and her birthmothers and that she is all of them.

Hopefully having those things early, before it is a great "revelation" or the teenage identity crisis, will help couteract the fact that I don't have a photo when she asks what she looks like.

BJ doesn't ask questions or comment when I insert these "birthmother" facts into converstation. So far BJ started with, "but I wish I came out of your tummy, mommy" to which I replied the same each time - "I wish you did too, honey - but a big part of who you are is because you came out of your birthmothers tummy and I wouldn't change anything about you - I love you just the way you are."

She repeated this statement, never deviating until she changed to the next and then always the same again - though it was only a couple times a year -
"is she dead?". "No, honey - she is not dead. She was sick and couldn't take care of any baby, but she loves you and asked the sw to find a family for you and that is us."

Just recently the question changed to the one about wanting to meet her. It hasn't repeated yet, but its only been a few weeks.

So far I have had answers. I wonder when BJ will ask a question I have been asking and how will I respond when she does?

The Beginning or The End

2006-03-21T20:10:00.000-08:00

I don't know if I should start at the beginning, where my entrance into the world of adoption began, or start with where I am now? My motives may not be pure in this, while it feels natural for me to start at the beginning, I think that my story and why I am telling it makes more sense if I start with where I am now.

A few, 2 or 3, people online may recognize parts of my story and therefore know who I really am. That is OK. Those would be the people I have trusted with the story in the first place. I know how they feel about this, though I don't know how they will feel to discover I am doing this. They are welcome here too, I do ask they keep my anonymity, as they will understand best of all why I need that in order to write this all.

So, here goes. I will refer to my daughter as B.J. To her birthmother as L, my husband is hubby, and I am marlene. None of the names are real obviously. I will try and not use the birthmother term, and just call her L.

So.. here goes.

Why

2006-03-21T19:01:00.000-08:00

Why this blog? Why now?

I adopted my daughter six years ago. I used to participate in several list servs about adoption. When I began my adoption journey, I didn't know anyone who had adopted well enough to even ask them about their experience. After my daughter was placed in my arms, I started getting connected. Mostly it was to other adoptive parents and that felt good. There was one small group. No more than 10 of us, only two adoptive mothers in the group. The others were birthmothers and a couple adoptees. I now know that many women who placed children for adoption do not like the term birthmother. I can accept that, but I haven't yet been able to embrace the term first or natural mother. Nor have I come across any other that seems to feel comfortable to me or the women I have encountered recently. But I am getting off track. That small group. It was incredible - heart wrenching - but wonderful. I shared things I wondered, they told me their stories, they were kind to me, I was kind to them. How we were so bare with eachother and didn't trigger things for each other I don't know.

Recently I have come across a birthmothers blog ring. I have done a lot of reading. I have watched a lot of my friends become embroiled in controversy and flaming. But through it, I have been touched in ways that group of so many years ago touched me.

I feel the longing to share some of my stories. I feel the longing to talk about what I know and don't know about my daughter's birthmother. I want to be honest and explore things that I don't really have anyone in my life right now to talk with about it. For awhile I had an uncanny string of incidents where women I was getting to know confided in me that they had placed children for adoption years ago. They all shared grief, but all also confirmed the peace they had in watching my family. But these were knew friendships, who knows how much was simple civility.

A part of me is looking to interact again, in a kindly but honest way, with women from other perspectives and experiences. Part of this is just to tell my story and have it down for when I need it. Part of it is to sort through some of the new things I am encountering such as a website I found on a link from a blog that had some really good material for women considering adoption, asking them to think about how they would feel if the circumstances (especially financial or marital) changed in the next year. How does that balance with my reactions to some of the anger and expressions like "lost to adoption" that I am encountering in this webring. If I ask people to read, obviously I can't say - react to this and not that. But as I ask myself why do this now, I recognize that I want to hear what others think of the things I say to my daughter and the things I wonder about her birthmother. But when I write about how I feel about what I am encountering - that isn't really for the interaction. That part is to help me process.

The posts may come quickly, or slowly, or be random thoughts triggered by things I am reading. And the ground rules I will lay for myself. I will try to be as sensitive as I can to who my readers are and what terminology or perspectives mean to them; but I won't use phrases that I haven't worked out, embraced or accepted. That would feel dishonest.

Some of the posts I want to write:

I think adoption reform can best be accomplished if women who have placed and women who have adopted join their voice. Their is truth, unfortunately, that the money speaks and adoptive parents usually wield that even if it means it is a huge sacrifice to them.

How my public adoption (CFS) always made me feel I wasn't part of the "industry" but the specific things I have read that made me question what might have been said to a woman facing tpr of an infant that might have made her relinquish. Was it really what she wanted as I always thought? If it wasn't - what does that mean for me now.

What I tell my daughter about her birthmother, now - what I expect later.

The conversations we have, how I try to make casual, every day comments and how while I believe it is right, I don't do it in front of my husband unless it is very blatantly involved. I never do it in front of other family members. Does daughter pick up on that? Is it better even if she does than to evoke an unpleasant response from grandparents, etc who still prefer to ignore the adoption.

The records I have about L. I always wondered if it was an accident they fell into my hands, if L asked, or the sw chose to put them there accidently.

The story of the match we turned down.

Why I never pursued infertility treatment, how I don't grieve not having a pregnancy, how I know that my daughter would not be who she is without the biological connections she has and I am glad for them, how I want to, work to honor her full story including her birthmother, but the truth that there is still a feeling or acknowledgement or longing to have all of who she is without the life complications of being an adoptive family.

How my daughter is silent in my comments about her birthmother, but when she stumbles and tries to phrase around it in other questions, I know she thinks about it.

My interest in knowing more about her, along with my fear of bringing strife into our life, or even just the complication of another human being and why does that feel like it will be ok when my daughter is older but not now.

The difference between what I feel about discussing the adoption and what my husband feels and believes.

The photos I am saving for her. Supposedly if she asked the agency for them, they would pass along the request. What does it mean that she hasn't asked.

What I found on the internet about her and why I don't seem to have any other reaction than the desire to know more. Did she really have another child almost exactly one year later and was married. Did she really move back home? Or is that an earlier address?

Explore my faith that there was divine intervention in bringing my daughter to me, how she is fully my daughter and it was meant to be so, and how that belief may be hurtful to women who have placed and regret it; I think I can reconcile "meant to be" as "meant to be" after the original events took place.. God did not cause the drug abuse, the CFS, but he used the pain and allowed beauty in it that our daughter truly is a joy to us, that we are a family, we have so much love and our daughter is so strong and happy and healthy. Can I reconcile my not knowing how she feels into this belief?

Tell the story of the prayer of protection and the traditions that have sprung around it.

I thought that tonight I might get some of these posts written. Because when I decided to start this anonymous blog some hours ago, it felt so burgeoning. I had to get it out. But now I am exhausted.

I hope the urge, the need to write this out does not disipate.